You know you're drunk when the Creme de Menthe runs out, and you're prepared to try anything green.
Every night there are ads on TV about the evils of drinking and driving.
The ads warn about how the police will test your blood alcohol at any time, and burn your licence in front of your eyes if you’re over the limit.
It’s OK for them. They’ve got sophisticated equipment costing thousands of dollars to test you with.
All the average driver has is their blurry visions and fuzzy recollections to help them work out if they’re drunk or not.
This month, we look at some sure-fire signs that you’re too drunk to drive.
- The bouncer suddenly looks really hot.
- You have trouble speaking clearly. “Hi” comes out as “Wanna shag?”
- You can’t decide which steering wheel to use.
- Your wallet has only $5 left in it, all in 10-cent pieces.
- The Hell’s Angel in the corner suddenly looks like a wimp.
- You’re dying for a Big Mac, even though you’re a vegan.
- Your feet are sore from dancing, and the trivia night is only half way through.
- Your mouth feels all furry because you’ve just drunk the ash tray.
- You can’t remember where you parked your car.
- You can’t remember what sort of car you own.
- You can’t remember what a car looks like.
- You catch yourself singing karaoke, and enjoying it.
- You just spent an hour chatting up a cigarette machine.
- You consider urinating in the wash basin, rather than waiting in the queue.
- You urinate in the wash basin rather than waiting in the queue.
- You urinate in the queue.
- It’s taken you an hour of yelling, a thrown drink and a knife fight to realise that you and your friend have been in total agreement all along.
You think you have Matrix-like abilities and try to jump from one rooftop to another, only to fall to your death.
When you get hit by a parked car, trip over a cordless phone and fall out a window and fly up !
You are yelling you guts out in front of everybody and still think nobody is listening. And when people say that you are drunk, you answer with a: Shhhh!! Believing that anybody have noticed that yet..
Some guy comes up to you and says “wanna shag” insted of “hi” and you actually think he’s witty. And go home with him.
Well, scientifically speaking, you can can have about three standard drinks before it’s unsafe to go for a drive. If you’ve had about twenty more, it’s unlikely that you’re as sober as some other, more respectable ladies and gentlemen, and hence there is the underlying possibility that you may in fact be slightly too drunk to drive.
You brag to random people about your ability to turn big haired women into small animals with your magical abilities. Then you pee on the floor.
When you realize you’ve been standing at the top of the stairs for an hour, wondering why the escalator is so slow.
Order another drink, if you can finish it without falling down or puking then you’re good to go.
Declaring your undying love to your best friend seems like a really good idea.
You go wild singing and dancing to the YMCA, but find yourself becoming confused on which way the C should go.
You can’t spell AC/DC
Tequilla starts to taste good
You say, “Ooh! thats a lovely flourescent coat you’re wearing! Can I try your hat on?” Then, “Wow! Them lights are flashing! Are we going for a drive?”
You start worrying that all those grass leaves you stepped on as a kid will one day join forces and eat you.
After three hours at the pub, you say, without reservation, “Yes, I’m sober enough to drive.”
When you laugh at every single one of these
You reveal to your friends that you own, and care for, a neopet at neopets.com.
You try to have a Argumentative Discussion with a fire hydrant. And lose.
When you’re too scared to change the channel because the people on the TV will get mad.
You called in a Chinese food order, and you actually think the stupid oriental accent that you just used helped in any way.
You get pulled over for a breath test and the tube to the testing machine melts when you blow into it.
You look at yourself at the mirror and see your reflection covered in blood and you don’t remember who you killed.
Just to show your sensitive side you try your hand at actually initiating a conversation with your wife, saying how you love the new automatic night light in the toilet, and she screams “Shit, Harry! You just pissed in the fridge again!”
When you have to grab the grass to keep from falling off of the Earth.
You decide to “borrow” a police car because you like the lights and siren.
You spend 120 dollars saying you can drink 20 beers, all for a ten dollar bet.
You cant find the ignition on the fire hydrant
You decide to call ALL your buddies at 4 am and tell them “Dude, I love you!”
You put your shoes on the wrong feet, and when you realize it, you try to fix it by walking with your left leg on the right and right on the left.
When every song on the radio is YOUR song.