How To Tell If You’re Too Drunk To Drive Before You Hop Behind The Wheel

June 14th, 2003
Chris tries to drink Morning Fresh detergent

You know you're drunk when the Creme de Menthe runs out, and you're prepared to try anything green.

Every night there are ads on TV about the evils of drinking and driving.

The ads warn about how the police will test your blood alcohol at any time, and burn your licence in front of your eyes if you’re over the limit.

It’s OK for them. They’ve got sophisticated equipment costing thousands of dollars to test you with.

All the average driver has is their blurry visions and fuzzy recollections to help them work out if they’re drunk or not.

This month, we look at some sure-fire signs that you’re too drunk to drive.

  • The bouncer suddenly looks really hot.
  • You have trouble speaking clearly. “Hi” comes out as “Wanna shag?”
  • You can’t decide which steering wheel to use.
  • Your wallet has only $5 left in it, all in 10-cent pieces.
  • The Hell’s Angel in the corner suddenly looks like a wimp.
  • You’re dying for a Big Mac, even though you’re a vegan.
  • Your feet are sore from dancing, and the trivia night is only half way through.
  • Your mouth feels all furry because you’ve just drunk the ash tray.
  • You can’t remember where you parked your car.
  • You can’t remember what sort of car you own.
  • You can’t remember what a car looks like.
  • You catch yourself singing karaoke, and enjoying it.
  • You just spent an hour chatting up a cigarette machine.
  • You consider urinating in the wash basin, rather than waiting in the queue.
  • You urinate in the wash basin rather than waiting in the queue.
  • You urinate in the queue.
  • It’s taken you an hour of yelling, a thrown drink and a knife fight to realise that you and your friend have been in total agreement all along.

Tags > , , , , , , ,

How To Tell If You’re Too Drunk To Drive Before You Hop Behind The Wheel