Never give your mother an excuse to spit on a hanky and wipe your face.
Many people say that it’s good to learn from your mistakes. But there are some mistakes you should never make.
Like joining Amway. Or believing the nutritional-content pamphlets at McDonalds. It ain’t nutritional if it’s not in any known food group.
This month, take our useful advice that will help prevent you from such embarrassing incidents. It’s much more fun to laugh at someone else, and then learn from their mistakes.
- The downside of storing 100 rolls of spare toilet paper is a lot less bad than the downside of having one sheet too few.
- Reach for the stars, but try not to fall in front of the paparazzi.
- There aren’t any prizes for coming last, except at kindergarten.
- Be careful what you ask for; the repayments can be a killer.
- It’s not what you know, but what you say “no” to that’s important.
- Always put your shoes on after your underpants.
- What you don’t know could be very interesting.
- To err is human. To fuck up is computer. To annoy the shit out of you and fuck up at the same time is Microsoft.
- There are two types of people in this world. That’s all. Just two.
- Always get an itemised receipt. Except from a prostitute.
- A bird in the bush is worth $80.
- Necessity is the mother of invention. But the father is a condom made of cling film.
- If at first you don’t succeed, pretend you didn’t want to succeed in the first place
As a young child, I learnt Communism, it was share this, share that, everyone has the same amount….
At school it was Feudal, everything went to the king of the castle….
In the real world it’s capitalism, the one with the most wins….
I wish they taught us that straight off.
A packet of condoms comes with instructions, but a packet of disposable razors does not. Who has ever cut themselves putting on a condom?
In Las Vegas, having sex with a prostitute isn’t cheating, its a souvenir.
Having a passing car run over your foot, even if it’s slowly, will break all your toes.
On the last day of high school, my teacher told me that age teaches us. I wish I had learned that sooner so I wouldnt have had to go all them years of school to learn what age teaches me anyway.
The word syllable only has three whatsanames
Dencorub is not good for men’s bits.
While clapping may bring Tinker Bell back to life, it won’t work with the bodies in my basement.
Intelligent insults are lost on idiots, but it’s still fun to see them all confused!
It’s really not worth wasting a lot of time trying to swim like Patrick Duffy in the man from Atlantis.
Virginity is sooo overated.
I wish I had learnt to fart on more teachers heads.
I wish my teacher told me right off the bat ..boyz are great, every girl should own 1!
If oils ain’t oils……then what are they?
You can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them, and hope they panic and give in.
Some grow out of it , some dont, some put out, most wont.
A bird holding your hand isnt nearly worth as much two hands in her bush!
Always be as dishonest as possible. Lying and cheating can get you out of anything.
Guys are like roses… watch out for the pricks!
A bird in a hand is worth more than two in a bush.Not so if the bush has thorns and kills them for you.
Never walk in on anybody having sex!
A female clown is a clunt.
Steam rollers don’t roll steam.
It’s always a good idea to carry two sacks around with you. That way, if someone asks you to give them a hand, you can say, "Sorry, but I’ve got these two sacks."
If it looks like poo and it smells like poo don’t eat it
Liquor before beer, your in the clear. Beer before liquor, never been sicker. If I had known this sooner, I might not have needed learn how many of my friends were willing to hold my hair while I puked.
Never eat anything bigger than your head.
Sticky tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side, and holds the universe together.
To make your self sick, put one thunb in your mouth and the other in your bum, and if that doesn’t work swap ‘em.
No matter how much your best mate insists, joining the debating team is not a good way to meet chicks