US President George W. Bush has announced plans to invade the moon again by 2020 and to create a permanent human presence there.
Information leaked to GORSKYS.COMedy reliably informs us that the first thing the President plans to do when we get there is to build a Club Med Holiday Resort for rich young go-getters to spend their hard-earned cash on a holiday that is literally “out of this world.”
It’s a long way off, but if you’re going to travel to the moon for a vacation, you’re going to need to plan ahead, so this month we decided to share our ‘Lonely Satellite’ tips to taking a break on the lunar landscape.
- The nightlife is crap because the moon has no atmosphere –Â literally.
- Soaking up the rays translate to receiving lethal doses of solar radiation – so pack your best space suit.
- You don’t have to be Michael Jackson to do the moonwalk on the moon.
- It’s a bit like the beach in that there’s a hell of a lot of sand, but unlike the beach there’s absolutely no water – so no chance of drowning.
- Lunar nights are two weeks long so it’s great place for a honeymoon. However, lunar days are two weeks long, so prepare for a long time between shags.
- No matter what your mobile phone provider tells you, there is no reception on the moon.
- Any weight you lose on your low-gravity holiday you regain upon re-entering the earth’s gravitational pull.
- You have to drink everything through a straw.
- You have to eat everything through a straw.
- If you eat and drink too much you have to throw up through a straw.
- Drinking a Flaming Lamborghini will blow up the space station.
- If you go to the moon after you get married, then you’re on your “honeyearth”.
- People complain that Sydney to London is a 23-hour flight –Â its 3 days to the moon, and there are no stopovers.
- If you’re playing golf on the moon, you can easily hit the ball further than Tiger Woods.
- Tearing your partners space suit off for a quick shag in the sand is likely to lead to certain death.
- You can’t have a romantic stroll in the moonlight.
- You’re sure to be surrounded by retired astronauts and annoying boy-band members.
- Holidaying on the moon is a bit like holidaying in Antarctica with no air.
- Some of your friends will believe you never went to the moon, but that the whole thing was staged in a Hollywood studio.
Cell phone bills here are gi-normous. You ring mum to say hi, and with the transmission/distance time delay, you get an answer back sometime after lunch. Lets see, galactic flagfall $240….plus $160 per nanosec….plus interplanetary roaming premium…Plus GST……..OH NO! It’s Mum’s bloody answering service!!!
Wow, line-of-sight reception really works here. My cell phone just locked onto 14,280 mobile towers.
Flashers are often mistaken for suicide bombers on the moon.
They open their flys and blamm!! Same result.
Pulling a moonie could vary in many ways.
I suggest a prothestic arse for general merriment and certain non-death activities.
Moon-rocks would be worthless on the moon, but Earth-rocks on the other hand would be, well, ah, worthless too I guess!
Just think of the money you could make writing a book titled “Floating Sexual Positions”
90% of the population in a lunar base would be composed of Star Wars geeks and Trekkies who’re there to “live out their dream.”
Pink Floyd albums everywhere will lose all sense of mystery.
In the first lunar dome:
“Hey, there! My name’s Franklin. Nice to meet you. So, what do you do? You mean you’re an insurance salesman TOO? You’re the 15th I’ve met today! Geez, an entire colony composed of lawyers, used car salesmen, and us insurance guys. Why do you think…do you hear a hissing noise?”
Just pray that Arnold doesn’t become governor. Total Recall, anyone?
All the people that move to the moon will be goth/punk/angsty people who are “tired of this crappy planet.” Imagine a GOTH LUNAR COLONY.
Imagine… EVERY person who has ever seen Airplane II will make a joke about it on the way there.
Luna University. I don’t know if beer and low gravity is such a good idea…but they’ll do it anyways.
Bring ear plugs! If you have kids you would go crazy listening to “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”
If your low on cash, become a moon-hobo. There’s little difference from an Earth-hobo except coins flipped at you take longer to hit the ground and if a policeman/rich person/politician kicks you, you fly much further through the air
Bring silver bullets–the full moon is fairly constant on the moon, so werewolves are out all the time!
Its so much easier to get high on the moon.
Become a weapons Inspector!
You get to go for free. The only reason Bush wants to go to the Moon is because the NSA had Blix’s phone tapped when he said, “If those weapons of mass destruction exists, they’re on the dark side of the moon by now”.
When you get really drunk at the football, you can pull down your pants and “earth” the umpire.
WOW! Let’s cut the cheese!
You’ll wake up with red scratchy bites from all the “lunar ticks” they’ve got up there.
The national anthem of the moon will be ‘Walking on the Moon’
You won’t have to be Michael Jackson to do the Moonwalk!
Drink moonshine and eat moon-pies at your own wedding to Soleil Moon Frye officiated by the Rev. Sun Myung Moon.
Bring a camera to prove the fake landing
If your into astronomy then head for the dark side. There’s no light pollution and you’ll have a clear view of the stars, even if we couldn’t see them in NASA’s moonlanding pictures.
If 50% of the dust on earth is actually dust-mites, then bring a battery-operated vaccum cleaner.
A trip to the doctor is not advised, as being asked to drop your space pants for a closer inspection is fatal.
Don’t jump too high on the moon. You might just fly off into orbit.
Lets play the “stomp really hard and try to crash the moon into earth” game!