Some police officers have a sensitive electronic nose which can detect drivers speed and body odour so they can decide if they really want to pull them over..
It’s happened to the best of us while we’re driving. There’s an open road and a little day-dreaming, and the Mark Schumacher in us pushes the pedal to the metal and without realising it, you’re doing 120 in a 60 zone.
Which wouldn’t be so bad if cop cars couldn’t reach 130 to overtake you, pull you over and hand you a ticket with a fine so large it make Bill Gates’ fortune look like small change.
Of course, you could avoid the speeding fine by driving within the limit, but where’s the fun in that? Talking your way out of a ticket will save you money and still let you have internal Nascar races.
So this month we offer foolproof lines to get you out of a speeding ticket.
- I know I was speeding, but I’m taking my pregnant wife to hospital. Oh no! I must have left her at home. Can I have an escort to the pub to drown my sorrows?
- I know I was speeding, but I’m rushing home to get my wife pregnant.
- I’m pregnant.
- I have PMS. Back off!
- I may have been exceeding the speed limit, but it was entirely safe. I’ve taken so many amphetamines, my reflexes are lighting-fast.
- I’ve just taken LSD, so I didn’t even know I was driving.
- How about we have a drag race? If you win, you can fine me double.
- You can’t fine me, officer. I don’t even have a licence.
- According to you I was doing 120, but according to Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, time is slower for moving objects than stationary ones. According to my calculations, I was only doing 59.
- I am being chased by aliens.
- I am an alien.
- Beam me up, Scotty.
- Oh my God! What’s that behind you? Note: remember to drive off really quickly when the cop turns to look
- I am a Jedi. You don’t need to see my identification. These are not the droids your looking for. I can go about my business. Move along. Note: this works best if you are in fact a Jedi
- Thank God you’re here, officer. There’s a madman with an axe hiding under the back seat. Take a look. Well, he was there. I must have lost him when I went over that speed hump.
- 120. You don’t say. That’s fantastic! I always thought cops couldn’t count past 100. Well done!
- I just had the strangest dream that I was sleep-driving in the Nascar Championship.
No hablar Engles Senor
I meant to slow down but I accidentally pressed the accelerator instead of the brake!
Tell the cop you have a dead body in the trunk. After he calls for back up and checks the trunk, he will find the trunk empty. Turn to the other cop and say, ‘I bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding as well.’
Hasha, Dracon, Zuref, Tronet, Bah-ha. This is a Celtic curse. (Note: If nothing happens plead insanity)
Meant no harm officer. Just tryin’ to blow-dry the car after a good wash.
Officer!! Myself and this car are contaminated with a unknown flammable poison, which is deadly to the interaction with doughnuts and doughnut-like products.
Officer thank God you stopped me. I was just looking for a cop. There is a body on the side of the road back there about 5 miles or so. I didn’t stop to check it out but you should hurry back there and see what’s up!
Sorry oficer. I did not mean to speed but my wife ran off with a police man last week and when I saw the patrol car following me, i was terrified you were bringing her back.
"Speed-ing? Disculpe, señor, no hablo español. Un momento! Estoy hablando español!" (Good idea if you are Hispanic or Latin… and have a great big submachine gun on the seat next to you)
Knock him out unconcious!! have sex, have fun!!!
I was just in a rush because apparently they are giving away free donuts at Dunk’n'delicious!
Send ‘em to Iraq
“My girlfriend’s just got her period and she doesn’t have anything on her to… er… fix it.” (It helps to have your girlfriend in the car. Or a convincing blow-up doll.)
When the cop stops and walks to your car wait untill he gets near your door then drive foward a few metres. Repeat as many times as you like. He will either give up, or shoot you in the face. Either way you escape the ticket.
I have just returned from living overseas and my car\’s speedo is in mph and I still haven\’t gotten used to driving kmh here.
doughnuts. nuff said
If you live in Missouri. and a cop pulls you over and asks why you were speeding just tell him “I saw you and sped up because this is the "Show Me State", and I was just showing you how fast my car is!”
Hey officer, you have never seen a pair like these before, have you?
Going 120 you say? Wow that\’s an all time record. I didn\’t think this car could go that fast!!! (helps if you\re driving a mini van/bug)
Say you have diarrhea.
Bat your eyelids sweetly. If that doesn\’t work, bat your cop with a baseball bat and drive like hell.