Surviving The Recession

December 1st, 2008
Plasma TV (honestly, the joke is lost in text format - better something that displays images..)

Instead of buying the family an expensive new plasma TV, Mr. Smith settled for a bag of plasma.

Here we are on the verge of recession. Times are tough and they’ll probably only get tougher. It’s all a bit of a shock, and a lot of people are wondering: “How do you survive a recession?”

We think the best place to turn for answers is old people – they lived through a ‘Great Depression’ in the 1930s, which sounds a lot worse than a recession.

What the old people will tell you (after having told you about their various ailments), is that in their day they had to get creative in order to make it through. Playing charades at home instead of going out to the movies, standing around a piano having a sing-a-long rather than going out to a karaoke bar or using earwax, and nose hairs to make makeshift candles.

Yes, the old people were creative and courageous, so we thought we would engage some of that ‘olde-time’ ingenuity to come up with our own ways to live more frugally through the economic downturn.

  • Keep your mobile-phone conversations short and sharp – rather than “I have some bad news, Jimmy.. your Aunt Cecilia has passed away” try “Cecilia. Dead. Bye.”
  • Make a delightful, long-lasting table arrangement by putting a dead stick into a vase. Makes an excellent conversation piece.
  • An old pair of underpants can become a delightful tea-cosy. Makes an excellent conversation piece.
  • Belly-button fluff can be saved up over the warmer months and then spun and knitted into a lovely scarf for the winter.
  • Always visit your friends around mealtimes.
  • Spend a little money having your stomach stapled so you can’t eat as much of your food rations.
  • Have your car converted Flintstones-style with a hole in the bottom so you can walk your car to work.
  • A thimble of methylated spirits mixed with orange juice makes a refreshing summer beverage. Whatever you do, don’t smoke.
  • Buy a good colour photocopier and photocopy your remaining dollars to multiply your savings.
  • Save your used Band Aids® to stick posters on your wall.
  • To turn toast back into bread, scrape and soak in water.
  • Use both sides of the toilet paper.
  • Why waste money on a baby sitter? Lock your kids in a cupboard.
  • Paint colours on the leaves of your weeds to make them look like flowers.
  • No dishwasher? Try popping your dishes in the washing machine.
  • Save on power bills by replacing our high-wattage light bulbs with broken ones.

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Surviving The Recession

How Our Readers Will Survive A Recession

  1. Rummage through the dumpster behind plastic surgery, veterinarian, and abortion clinics for valuable food items.

    Current score: 0

    Mr P. Poo [18/02/2009]

  2. Don’t just recycle your urine back into drinking water… recycle your poo back into food!

    Current score: 1

    Mr P. Poo [18/02/2009]

  3. spend some cash and learn to embroider. That way, when your kids wants nike shoes and billabong t-shirts you can just stitch a quick logo onto a plain kmart version! AWESOME!

    Current score: 0

    Sal Simpson [05/02/2009]

  4. Become a monk… Meditate all day, sleep on the floor, don’t eat after noon, and don’t risk homocide fines. You can save money and become ELIGHTENED!

    Current score: 0

    Once upon a time [01/02/2009]

  5. Eat McDonald’s until you are broke.. then consider the recession as the new foolproof diet.

    Current score: 1

    Once upon a time [01/02/2009]

  6. Kill off all the rich

    Current score: 0

    valerie Lopez [22/12/2008]

  7. Unpick your Xmas jumpers with the groovy patterns, then sow them into a blanket and send them to the person who sent you the jumpers.

    Current score: 0

    Jacqui Innes [22/12/2008]

  8. It has come to my attention that in the last year at least, The Veronicas have been drastically underfed. I believe their manager has done a poor job at setting aside food money in their budget. Thankfully, doing a quick calculation the other day, I deduced that if they each give as few as 89 blowjobs per day and swallow, they will get the protein requirements to fulfill their daily energy needs. So instead of buying their music, we should all make a queue outside their door, every day. We save money on music, eliminate the need to spend exhorbitant money at dates, and they save money on food. It\’s a win-win.

    Current score: 0

    Ryan The Great [21/12/2008]

  9. Eliminate the homeless people\’s need for food by consuming homeless people as food.

    Current score: 0

    Ryan The Great [16/12/2008]

  10. Sex,sex,sex,sex,sex,sex,sex

    Current score: 0

    Bob Crowley [16/12/2008]

  11. Instead of changing those underwear and socks every 3rd or 4th day (like we all do) save on those costly laundry bills but just turning them inside out and getting a few days more wear.

    Current score: 0

    Ken Idrathernotsay [23/11/2008]

  12. Society should stopped frowning on nose picking and accept it for what it is. A cheap wholesome snack. "He thinks it’s candy but it’snot."

    Current score: 0

    Ken Idrathernotsay [21/11/2008]

  13. A Big Pot of Stone soup

    Current score: 0

    Harriet James [20/11/2008]

  14. Get on Food Stamps.

    Current score: 0

    Luis Sanchez [19/11/2008]

  15. Just remember the person that takes your order in the drivethru, isn’t the one serving it…

    Current score: 0

    Harriet James [19/11/2008]

  16. Free toilet paper from the bathroom at work?

    Current score: 0

    Harriet James [19/11/2008]

  17. There are lots of creatures out there just waiting to be eaten, go catch some fish, shoot some rabbits, catch the neighbour\\\\\\\’s noisy dog….

    Current score: 0

    Harriet James [19/11/2008]

  18. Instead of driving to work, you can save money and petrol by not going to work.

    Current score: 1

    Patrick Coyle [18/11/2008]

  19. Drinking your own urine is quite tolerable if boiled correctly.

    Current score: 0

    Patrick Coyle [18/11/2008]

  20. Trade in that old gas guzzler for a flintstones style car not only will you save a heap of dollars at the pump you will save on gym membership with all the running you will be doing.

    Current score: 0

    Gavin Porter [18/11/2008]

How will you survive the recession?

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