Catwoman - every boy's favorite villain.
The world is sadly short of proper superheroes these days.
Batman has gone all weird and teamed up with Catwoman (although the way she’s drawn nowadays, that’s fair enough, frankly).
The world has realised that being bitten by a radio active spider would have given Spiderman cancer, not superpowers.
Superman became a quadriplegic in a horse riding accident.
The Gorskys have turned their mind to this dilemma, and come up with some suggestions for the next wave of comic books.
- Captain Nuclear – uses his amazing fission powers to catch villains by causing a nuclear meltdown in their underpants.
- Nuclear Lass – uses her amazing good looks to catch villains by causing a nuclear meltdown in their underpants.
- The Amazing Expando – that’s not a gun in his pocket.
- The Dynamic Dyslexic – misreading crime by fights.
- Enviroman – uses his hippy powers to fight crime by tying himself to trees until the villains go away.
- Bo, The World’s Tallest Dwarf – Uses his uncanny height to defeat criminals. His battle cry is “I’m not a dwarf, OK. I’m just short!”
- Peter Reith Man – Uses his weird lips to undermine union power at every turn – the world’s evilest hero.
- Mr Millennium – the world’s most overrated superhero.
- The Amazing Flasher – uses his disgusting powers of self-revelation to repulse villains into submission.
- Captain Beans-On-Toast – lights his farts in the name of Justice!
- Mr Muscle – Loves the jobs you hate.
- Beer Gut Man – His aluminium crushing powers scare even the staunchest foe!
- Water Boy – wets himself at the first sign of danger. Young ward of Rubbersheet Man, the world’s kinkiest hero.
- Bureaucracy Man – Will happily save you from a life threatening situation once you’ve filled in the right forms in triplicate. If you’d like this doyen of protocol to save you, call 1-800-bureaucracy and follow the prompts.
Geekman the superhero who gioves new meaning to the words "battle cry". Able to wail mummy! and be heard two blocks away. With his trusty calculator and biro he will divide, add and subtract villains to make society an equal place.
Starrman With his boring morals he bores villians to death and then pounds them with his millions and millions of pages of reports!
Superdick Able to pull off the most amazing stunts and still look like a total dork.
Mole Man Nobody knows who he is and nobody gives a shit.
The Dickhead He uses his powers pf anoyence to drive away his confused enemeys leaving them crying and pantless.his sidekick is the shithead and his arch enemey is the nice guy.
Mega Sunday Driver Man Thwarts evil villans by standing in their way and moving forwards very slowly, thus preventing the ability of villans to go anywhere and destroy the world…HURRAH!!!!
Manbat A complete rip off of batman his enemeys are the jokester the riddlest double face womancat and his sidekick is sparow the wonder boy.
Super Poop Gives all villians bouts of diarrhea and then describes their poo. All his victims have made a promise to themselves never to poop again and die of the poo poisioning their bodies.
Mr. Immortal He hasn’t died yet, so he must be immortal.
Constipation Dude Runs up to the evil bad guys and makes very scrunchy faces at them, while releasing a terrible stench that knocks out the villain while he is distracted by his face. His only weakness is extremely harsh laxatives and restrooms without something to grab on to.
Gruesome Granny A super villain. She has two special moves:
Cheek twister – (You can often escape this move by retreating when you hear the following or similar “Oh, Haven’t you grown into a cutie”)
Slimer – Approahes with drool a dripping. If the mouth is open watch for the tongue.
Captain Bloodloss He trys to stand up long enough to do some good but always seems to pass out.
Atomic Sphincter Ever been pinched in half?
The Chick Magnet Actually my alter-ego. As far as I’ve been able to discern my powers are the ability to befriend almost every girl ever born and make them see me as a completely sexless friend. This gets them to let me into their confidence where I can learn things they won’t tell other guys and help them with problems, promising my protection if necessary. The original white knight.
Heston Man While leading His people out of Egypt, Heston Man crash lands in the city of the apes. His powers & abilities: he can ‘Damn You All To Hel–ll!!!’Can also say ‘Let My people Go-You Damn Dirty Apes!!’ Ability to thro’ stone tablets at large pagan crowds while yelling ‘It’s A MAD house–A Mad house!!!’
Captain Ghanja He’s slower than a stoned snail! He can leap over bongs in two or three bounds if he can remember what he’s doing! He can…. man, I forgot.
Ultimate Looser Ultimate Looser is able to become a complete and total looser on mental command, including drooling, spitting, grabbing, scratching, falling, falling, laughing, falling, and laughing. Maybe impervious to pain when transformed.
Captain Discretion and the Kid Subtle They specialise in persuading the villains that the evil plan is desperately dull and what they REALLY need to do is go for a few jars first. Using their mysterious, strangely compelling powers of vaguely obnoxious behaviour, confusing insults, disturbing humour, pool games and blagging free beers, they hold the villains’ attention until they are so pissed and out of it their wallets are empty and they can’t remember their names, never mind the evil plan. (I was the Kid Subtle for two years)
The Psychic Hotline Avenger He uses "tele-pathetic" powers and makes vague and meaningless predictions to super villains. While they are distracted he charges them $14.95 a minute, until they are defeated by poverty.
Pornocchio t’s not his nose that grows… His mission- to seek out and destroy the makers of tacky 70’s porn videos- you know, the ones with the awful soundtracks.
Busty Booby Bimbo (BBB) Boobs inflate and brains shrink upon activation of powers. She uses her amazingly large boobs to knock through ANYTHING and her stupendous dumbness to STUN enemies…
Dark Destroyer Disco Dude His fancy moves, and portable glitter ball, mesmerise all who might stand in his way. Special moves include strident hip thrust with finger in air point, and the awesome ‘Disco Spin’. Main weakness-Inability to resist combing hair, and dancing when he hears ‘Stayin’ alive’
Mild-Mannered Man An engineer by training (Prefers the moniker M^3), his capacity for blending in with any wallpaper render him unvisible. He speaks in a sonic range that can be heard by no one. Not sure if he really exists.
Robin poo and his side kick not so little Jon! Givin it to the poor and takin it from the rich!
Captain Anarchy Rushes to save the president but then realizes he doesn’t care, so he leaves.
Drunk Punk
NOTE: This is not so much a superhero as it is a portrait of whoever put up the Capitain Canada thing. Not all Canadians say "Eh?" In fact a very small minority of them do. Why don’t you try getting an education you ignorant bastard!
Oh, by the way, Captain Canada can kick the shit out of Captain Ignorance!!
Fraternity Guy Has the ability to render keg’s helpless by his patented move "The Keg Stand". He defeats enemies by exposing them to his sidekick Slutty Sorority Girl, who infects them with a STD. His weakness: Dry Counties in the Bible belt of America, the ABC, and horrible hangovers.
Napster Man He can cleverly change the spelling of his name so people can download his MP3’s. His arch enemy is Metallica.
"The Count" – German Project Manager He has a number of deadly powers, Ha Ha Ha!!!, including the ability to annoy anyone in a place of work until they are ready to cry Ha HA Ha!!!, the ability to prolong meetings for hours by going off on wild tangents Ha Ha Ha!!!, the ability to completely forget tasks that he has issued to his employee’s Ha Ha Ha!, and finally the ability to hide for hours within the cast of any Jim Henson Production. If Bad Guys want to get involved in TV or major projects of a company of any sort, they better watch out!!!
Mr Elasto He’s never without his rubber.
Captain Chatline When your looking for a chat line who do call?
(I wish their was a real captain chatline.)