Superheroes We Want To See

September 25th, 2010
catwoman53071 200x300 Superheroes We Want To See

Catwoman - every boy's favorite villain.

The world is sadly short of proper superheroes these days.

Batman has gone all weird and teamed up with Catwoman (although the way she’s drawn nowadays, that’s fair enough, frankly).

The world has realised that being bitten by a radio active spider would have given Spiderman cancer, not superpowers.

Superman became a quadriplegic in a horse riding accident.

The Gorskys have turned their mind to this dilemma, and come up with some suggestions for the next wave of comic books.

  • Captain Nuclear – uses his amazing fission powers to catch villains by causing a nuclear meltdown in their underpants.
  • Nuclear Lass – uses her amazing good looks to catch villains by causing a nuclear meltdown in their underpants.
  • The Amazing Expando – that’s not a gun in his pocket.
  • The Dynamic Dyslexic – misreading crime by fights.
  • Enviroman – uses his hippy powers to fight crime by tying himself to trees until the villains go away.
  • Bo, The World’s Tallest Dwarf – Uses his uncanny height to defeat criminals. His battle cry is “I’m not a dwarf, OK. I’m just short!”
  • Peter Reith Man – Uses his weird lips to undermine union power at every turn – the world’s evilest hero.
  • Mr Millennium – the world’s most overrated superhero.
  • The Amazing Flasher – uses his disgusting powers of self-revelation to repulse villains into submission.
  • Captain Beans-On-Toast – lights his farts in the name of Justice!
  • Mr Muscle – Loves the jobs you hate.
  • Beer Gut Man – His aluminium crushing powers scare even the staunchest foe!
  • Water Boy – wets himself at the first sign of danger. Young ward of Rubbersheet Man, the world’s kinkiest hero.
  • Bureaucracy Man – Will happily save you from a life threatening situation once you’ve filled in the right forms in triplicate. If you’d like this doyen of protocol to save you, call 1-800-bureaucracy and follow the prompts.

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Superheroes We Want To See

Your Suggestions

  1. Captain Linger long with his super strength and ability to fly. he annoys villains by making pointless conversations last for several hours. until they get to mad at him to continue talking to him.

    Current score: 1

    that guy [07/01/2003]

  2. Captain Ridiculous Uses his mighty powers of self exaggeration to subdue supervillain types with paralysing bouts of hilarity due to comparisins between his infamous reputaion of being a total wanker and the aforementioned brag. Powers: to unknowingly elicit uncontrollable mirth from villains until they die from not being able to breathe. Weaknesses: People who take him seriously, knowledge of his effect on villains.

    Current score: 1

    The Watcher [07/01/2003]

  3. Stoner Man Able to talk rubbish for ages and eat huge quantities of food

    Current score: 0

    Billy Bob [07/01/2003]

  4. Mr Elasto He’s never without his rubber.

    Current score: 0

    Shanon Goodbody [07/01/2003]

  5. Captain Chatline When your looking for a chat line who do call?
    (I wish their was a real captain chatline.)

    Current score: 0

    Steve Symonds <span class="josanswer">[The worst thing about being saved by Captain Chatline is he charges $4.95 per minute. - Liam]</span> [07/01/2003]

  6. Underpants Dude Uses his super smelly underpants to paralyse his enemies

    Current score: 0

    Zackery Horton [07/01/2003]

  7. Girly Man America’s Number 1 Cross-dressing Superhero

    Current score: 0

    Damien Caine [07/01/2003]

  8. George W. Bushman His tax reform makes villains unable to afford any evil schemes

    Current score: 1

    Daniel Gray [07/01/2003]

  9. [Superhero Tip] If a villain doesnt die after a flaming chunk of metal lands on him, there isnt much that CAN kill him.

    Current score: 0

    Professor Jeeves [07/01/2003]

  10. ISO 9000 Woman Confounds the doers of good by producing more and more forms for them to fill out, thus stopping their Good Works!

    Current score: 0

    Paul L Cass [07/01/2003]

  11. Jerry Springer Guest Man A man who has the powers of every guest whos been on the Jerry Springer Show, therefore exhibiting severe mental retardation that completely pisses off the villains to the point of committing suicide.

    Current score: 0

    Fabio [07/01/2003]

  12. Mr … Beats them with simplicity.

    Current score: 0

    Chris Wright [07/01/2003]

  13. The Mental Assassin Perplexes his opponents by sitting in a corner, rocking back and forth, and dribbling.

    Current score: 0

    Not Dave [07/01/2003]

  14. Busty Booby Bimbo (BBB) Boobs inflate and brains shrink upon activation of powers. She uses her amazingly large boobs to knock through ANYTHING and her stupendous dumbness to STUN enemies…

    Current score: 0

    Some Bozo [07/01/2003]

  15. Dark Destroyer Disco Dude His fancy moves, and portable glitter ball, mesmerise all who might stand in his way. Special moves include strident hip thrust with finger in air point, and the awesome ‘Disco Spin’. Main weakness-Inability to resist combing hair, and dancing when he hears ‘Stayin’ alive’

    Current score: 0

    Fin [07/01/2003]

  16. Mild-Mannered Man An engineer by training (Prefers the moniker M^3), his capacity for blending in with any wallpaper render him unvisible. He speaks in a sonic range that can be heard by no one. Not sure if he really exists.

    Current score: 0

    Shawn Clark [07/01/2003]

  17. Robin poo and his side kick not so little Jon! Givin it to the poor and takin it from the rich!

    Current score: 0

    Phil McCrackin [07/01/2003]

  18. Captain Anarchy Rushes to save the president but then realizes he doesn’t care, so he leaves.
    Drunk Punk

  19. Captain Ignorance – Hails from the United States of America. Not so much of a superhero, more of a Nazi, a member of the KKK and a Militant Redneck all rolled into one. He considers himself a hero because, like most Americans, he thinks he is doing good in the world.

    NOTE: This is not so much a superhero as it is a portrait of whoever put up the Capitain Canada thing. Not all Canadians say "Eh?" In fact a very small minority of them do. Why don’t you try getting an education you ignorant bastard!

    Oh, by the way, Captain Canada can kick the shit out of Captain Ignorance!!

    Current score: 0

  20. Drunk Punk <span class="josanswer"> [Cool, our very first "my superhero can beat your superhero" cross-over war! - - Liam]</span> [07/01/2003]

  • Fraternity Guy Has the ability to render keg’s helpless by his patented move "The Keg Stand". He defeats enemies by exposing them to his sidekick Slutty Sorority Girl, who infects them with a STD. His weakness: Dry Counties in the Bible belt of America, the ABC, and horrible hangovers.

    Current score: 0

    Christopher Clifford [07/01/2003]

  • Napster Man He can cleverly change the spelling of his name so people can download his MP3′s. His arch enemy is Metallica.

    Current score: 0

    John [07/01/2003]

  • "The Count" – German Project Manager He has a number of deadly powers, Ha Ha Ha!!!, including the ability to annoy anyone in a place of work until they are ready to cry Ha HA Ha!!!, the ability to prolong meetings for hours by going off on wild tangents Ha Ha Ha!!!, the ability to completely forget tasks that he has issued to his employee’s Ha Ha Ha!, and finally the ability to hide for hours within the cast of any Jim Henson Production. If Bad Guys want to get involved in TV or major projects of a company of any sort, they better watch out!!!

    Current score: 0

    Aussie M [07/01/2003]

  • Gruesome Granny A super villain. She has two special moves:
    Cheek twister – (You can often escape this move by retreating when you hear the following or similar “Oh, Haven’t you grown into a cutie”)
    Slimer – Approahes with drool a dripping. If the mouth is open watch for the tongue.

    Current score: 0

    Rob Stevenson [07/01/2003]

  • Atomic Sphincter Ever been pinched in half?

    Current score: 0

    Phil Stevenson [07/01/2003]

  • The Chick Magnet Actually my alter-ego. As far as I’ve been able to discern my powers are the ability to befriend almost every girl ever born and make them see me as a completely sexless friend. This gets them to let me into their confidence where I can learn things they won’t tell other guys and help them with problems, promising my protection if necessary. The original white knight.

    Current score: 0

    Terry [07/01/2003]

  • Heston Man While leading His people out of Egypt, Heston Man crash lands in the city of the apes. His powers & abilities: he can ‘Damn You All To Hel–ll!!!’Can also say ‘Let My people Go-You Damn Dirty Apes!!’ Ability to thro’ stone tablets at large pagan crowds while yelling ‘It’s A MAD house–A Mad house!!!’

    Current score: 0

    Alex & Timothy [07/01/2003]

  • Captain Ghanja He’s slower than a stoned snail! He can leap over bongs in two or three bounds if he can remember what he’s doing! He can…. man, I forgot.

    Current score: 0

    Nathan Randall [07/01/2003]

  • Ultimate Looser Ultimate Looser is able to become a complete and total looser on mental command, including drooling, spitting, grabbing, scratching, falling, falling, laughing, falling, and laughing. Maybe impervious to pain when transformed.

    Current score: 0

    Psimor Silentian <span class="josanswer"> [I love it when people spell "loser" as "looser". It makes them an ultimate loser. - - Liam]</span> [07/01/2003]

  • Captain Discretion and the Kid Subtle They specialise in persuading the villains that the evil plan is desperately dull and what they REALLY need to do is go for a few jars first. Using their mysterious, strangely compelling powers of vaguely obnoxious behaviour, confusing insults, disturbing humour, pool games and blagging free beers, they hold the villains’ attention until they are so pissed and out of it their wallets are empty and they can’t remember their names, never mind the evil plan. (I was the Kid Subtle for two years)

    Current score: 0

    Wes Freeman [07/01/2003]

  • The Psychic Hotline Avenger He uses "tele-pathetic" powers and makes vague and meaningless predictions to super villains. While they are distracted he charges them $14.95 a minute, until they are defeated by poverty.

    Current score: 0

    Michael Connell [07/01/2003]

  • Pornocchio t’s not his nose that grows… His mission- to seek out and destroy the makers of tacky 70′s porn videos- you know, the ones with the awful soundtracks.

    Current score: 0

    craven moorehead [07/01/2003]

  • Got a great idea for a Superhero?