Saddam reveals his most evil WMD: a rabbit named 'Fox'.
The secret is out. According to the Duelfer report, Saddam Hussein didn’t have any weapons of mass destruction when George W. Bush and his Coalition of the Willing invaded to rid Iraq of those exact same weapons.
No wonder Saddam refused to reveal the location of his supplies of nuclear, biological and chemical weapons. There were no locations to reveal.
It’s kind of ironic, really. It’s a little like when your mother tells you to spit out the M&M, but you’ve already swallowed it. There’s nothing to spit, but you still get into trouble.
Of course, some would argue that Saddam wanted weapons of mass destruction, and would have got them if he’d had a half a chance. But there’s a big difference between wanting and doing. George W. Bush may not realise that, with his privileged background, where if you wanted to get out of Vietnam, you just did it. But for most of us, wanting something is a long way from it coming true.
Take smoking. Many smokers want to give up, and would if they were given half a chance. But the addictive chemicals in cigarettes make it almost impossible. WMD were Saddam’s Marlboro Ultra Lights. He wanted more, but had to settle for the low-tar WMD,pretending he had them.
Of course, if Saddam had any imagination, he would have been more inventive in his choices of WMD that he could have unleashed against the West. Why limit yourself to nuclear, biological and chemical weapons when there are so many other items that can be used as WMDs. This month, we examine some of them.
- Pillows – Everyone knows that once a pillow fight starts, there’s virtually no stopping it until the last one breaks, or your mother comes in yelling.
- Potatoes – When loaded into a spud gun, even the humble potato can become a menacing weapon. And loaded with carbs, potatoes mean certain death to Atkins dieters.
- “Your call is important to us” Messages – Used wisely, these can indicate to someone that their call is important. Played constantly for over an hour, they can spark spontaneous melt-down in which the victim becomes a blood-thirsty killing machine. Saddam could have learned a few things from the Microsoft support line.
- Fart Gas – Worse than the mustard gas that wreaked so much havoc in the trenches of WWI, a really noxious fart can induce vomiting in an entire room full of people. And since the national dish of Iraq is Pacha (stewed sheep’s head, stomach, and feet), Saddam would have had millions of them at his disposal.
- Coca Cola – Coke dissolves teeth left in it for a science experiment. Imagine the damage millions of litres raining down on a city would do.
- Paper Clip Straighteners – If Saddam had devoted his time to perfecting this weapon, the US military would have been in disarray. They’d have nothing to hold their files in order. Imagine the utter chaos.
- Balloon Animals – They make kids squeal with excitement. And enough high-pitched squealing can generate destructive sonic vibrations which could flatten buildings and entire cities.
- Oil – Iraq has millions of barrels of crude oil just waiting to be burnt in motor cars. And we all know that burning fossil fuels leads to global warming, which will lead to the end of the world. There is no more potent weapon in Saddam’s arsenal.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger – With about 4,506 kills in some 37 movies, the Governator is possibly the world’s most lethal WMD.
- Beer – The perfect dual strike weapon. Victims willingly use it, and it destroys brain cells by the thousand with every mouthful. Then, the next morning, victims want to die.
- Iraqi Dutch Oven – Saddam and his supporters could have stitched together a giant doona to cover the western world and it’s ever-flatulent cows.
- McDonalds – the fast food chain has been slowly clogging nice healthy arteries for decades, it’s the ultimate chemical weaponary. And you can make a profit while you’re at it.
The American electorate Why else do we have George W Bush in the world’s top job?
Cellphone ring tones Have everybody turn their phones onto their most annoying ringtone. This leads to mass annoyance and suicidal thoughts.
Monster-sized Breasts Big boobs are well known as weapons of mass-turbation
The weather It screws the transport system, the economy, and loads more ‘cos we all go into major panic as we just dont have a clue how to cope with 1/2 an inch of snow or a temperature above 80.
U.S. Armed Forces Their allies casualty rate is always higher than their enemy’s when they’re nearby!
Mormons An army of zealots depriving the American population of much needed sleep on Sundays could bring about a state of anarchy.
AN ARMY OF INFLATABLE TONY BLAIRS that would keep bush busy he’d have to put his head up all of their arses before he wasted our troops time.
Books They are so hard too to reed plus they have all kinds of crazy ideas about how the country should be ranned o and john kerry becuzz he almost beat me and al gore (same reason) and dick cheney and…
My socks They make even my eyes water.
Suicide bombers sent to destroy the leading Kotex and Tampax suppliers and manufacturing facilities in the US. Not so much large scale destruction, but definately evil.
Neil Diamond Have this huge amp and play it over Iraq. It will drive all who hear it insane and the strange rock-african-stoned combination of music will surely turn Iraq into a wasteland of desolation.
Teenagers I think you now what we can do…
Richard Simmonds No explanation necessary.
George W. Bush And he (Saddam) used it too!!!
Mircrosoft Office Assistant He drives thousands of office workers to the brink of suicide.
Make like the boys at my school and use entire toilet rolls for a single flush. This really annoys Mums, and their built up anger could have the same end result as a nuclear warhead (or 10,000,000), without the radiation afterwards. Plus, you get to have fun watching the water in the toilet rise as it flushes . . . and just keep on rising. True story.
G W Bush is clearly the greatest weapon of mass destruction.
Sometimes, evil plots unravel and the weapon of mass destruction is used on its maker. So, when you see Saddam Hussein looking so dejected and confused in prison photos, it is because his jailers indentified the evil he turned loose on America, and are giving him a 24 hour a day dose of John Tish.
Food American troops will be too caught up in food fights too even notice the Iraq troops!
Beans-think gas…
My dog Sam He sits there looking all googly-eyed at you, then, as soon as you approach, he snaps at you, and bites your hand off, just like someone in a certain song by the Gorskys. He’s also very prone to stomping on people’s crotches. Plus he steals food as soon as it’s possible, and sometimes when it’s not. Is there any worse kind of evil?
An army of tailgaters these can be really dangerous especially at high speeds.
A stopping distance of 2-3 metres at 70+mph probally would bring on a fair amount of heart attacks aswell.
Lift Muzak . drives you up the wall when you get it to a lift ( or elevator if your are american !) what saddam hussein could do is send a nuclear pluse that willd estroy the music comming from all radio stations in america and replace it with lift muzak and take over america when all the pepeople in it have been driven up the wall !
Celine Dion and George Michael songs played over and over Enough to make any man, woman or child cut their own ears off.
Money. Paper money dropped in large quantities out of an airplane flying low over any American city would cause rioting and massive stampedes as people fight over the cash, resulting in many casualties.
Sand, he had lots of it! in your eyes ,toes. in your jocks,most guys would agree its deadly.The elite guard with a big barrel and a hair dryer..whoa..what the!
Goth rock.
If it can cause so many people to commit suicide when it’s just being released as music, image what it can do when it’s depressive powers are harnessed to make some kind of superbad suicide beam!
The Loch Ness Monster – Who really knows what Nessie is capable of? And why has Nessie never been found in Scotland? Why she’s in Iraq of course – Come on, they must be hiding SOMETHING over there.
Steal all the loo rolls in the dead of night, pretend that you havent got them.
Mobile Phones – Calling someone on their mobile at an inopportune moment can be very frustrating to those around the callee. By calling the Coalition troops, they would be distracted and the Iraqis could seize control.