Reasons To Be Rich

December 1st, 2002

When you're poor and insane, they put you in an asylum. When you're rich, and insane, they call you eccentric.

Lots of rich people say that being rich isn’t all that great.

“Money doesn’t buy happiness,” they say. And they’re right.

But having oodles of cash does have its consolation. This month, we share some of the secrets of the filthy rich.

  • There’s no need to save up for a multi-region DVD player when you can own a DVD for each region, in each region, and just fly to the appropriate machine.
  • You need never clean the house again. When it’s dirty, just buy another.
  • You may not be the best looking guy in the room, but you always go home with the best-looking woman.
  • There’s no need to bet $10 on the Melbourne Cup when you own half the horses.
  • You don’t need to worry about drinking and driving, although it does pay to check that your chauffeur’s hip flask does only contain water every once in a while.
  • You never need to worry about meeting a loan payment. When you owe $1 billion, it’s the bank that worries.
  • If you run out of ice, you can always fly in more from the Antarctic.
  • You don’t have to worry each year about filing a tax return. Your accountant makes sure you don’t pay tax.
  • Your friends may not be great conversationalists, but they are super models.
  • You don’t need to learn how to program your VCR. You can pay someone to stay at home and press play and record for you.
  • You don’t need to learn how to program your VCR. You can pay someone to buy the TV station for you and repeat the show at your leisure.
  • If someone mucks up your new Celtic tattoo, don’t worry about laser removal scars – just get your brain transplanted to a new body
  • If your computer keeps crashing, you just buy another computer company.
  • When you say something really stupid at a party, you can pay doctors to erase everyone’s memory, so you are always remembered as being clever
  • If you have ugly friends, you can fund the plastic surgery to make them stunning.
  • Why hire a porno video when you can hire the actual star?
  • Charities don’t call you during your dinner asking for a donation. They take you to dinner and ask for a donation.
  • You don’t pay bank charges when you own the bank.
  • It’s OK to put “bigger yacht” on your Christmas list.
  • Your parents don’t care if you crash the car.
  • You can stop your parents nagging you to clean your room by hiring a cleaner.

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Reasons To Be Rich