When you're poor and insane, they put you in an asylum. When you're rich, and insane, they call you eccentric.
Lots of rich people say that being rich isn’t all that great.
“Money doesn’t buy happiness,” they say. And they’re right.
But having oodles of cash does have its consolation. This month, we share some of the secrets of the filthy rich.
- There’s no need to save up for a multi-region DVD player when you can own a DVD for each region, in each region, and just fly to the appropriate machine.
- You need never clean the house again. When it’s dirty, just buy another.
- You may not be the best looking guy in the room, but you always go home with the best-looking woman.
- There’s no need to bet $10 on the Melbourne Cup when you own half the horses.
- You don’t need to worry about drinking and driving, although it does pay to check that your chauffeur’s hip flask does only contain water every once in a while.
- You never need to worry about meeting a loan payment. When you owe $1 billion, it’s the bank that worries.
- If you run out of ice, you can always fly in more from the Antarctic.
- You don’t have to worry each year about filing a tax return. Your accountant makes sure you don’t pay tax.
- Your friends may not be great conversationalists, but they are super models.
- You don’t need to learn how to program your VCR. You can pay someone to stay at home and press play and record for you.
- You don’t need to learn how to program your VCR. You can pay someone to buy the TV station for you and repeat the show at your leisure.
- If someone mucks up your new Celtic tattoo, don’t worry about laser removal scars – just get your brain transplanted to a new body
- If your computer keeps crashing, you just buy another computer company.
- When you say something really stupid at a party, you can pay doctors to erase everyone’s memory, so you are always remembered as being clever
- If you have ugly friends, you can fund the plastic surgery to make them stunning.
- Why hire a porno video when you can hire the actual star?
- Charities don’t call you during your dinner asking for a donation. They take you to dinner and ask for a donation.
- You don’t pay bank charges when you own the bank.
- It’s OK to put “bigger yacht” on your Christmas list.
- Your parents don’t care if you crash the car.
- You can stop your parents nagging you to clean your room by hiring a cleaner.
$50 bills make great toilet paper
I’ve always wanted to “buy off” the person that has the copyrights to the alphabet, and rearrange it just for a “joke!”
The opportunity to crush each and every spammer on the planet. Nothing says “I do not want to recieve any more emails” like low-yield nuclear warheads.
You’ll be able to move out of that cardboard box, and you could claim something better than an antenna as a pet.
You could have the Wiggles kidnapped so that you could tie them down and force them to watch one of there videos five times a day for the next three weeks and see how they like it!
You could buy Jeff Wiggle a life time supply of No-Doze
You could get laid by anyone and have the great feeling of being used just cuz your money!
To save wear and tear on your VCR, you can hire the Wiggles, so your kids can watch them perform the same ten songs, five times a day for the next three weeks.
Filling your pool with porridge and skinny dipping in it. You’ll never know pleasure like the feeling of it dripping off you.
You can tell the captain of the QE2 that his tub will just have to wait until you’re ready to leave.
You can pay someone to go to the toilet for you.
You can buy a house next to Bill Gates’s and let your dog piddle in his yard when he’s not looking.
You can pay someone to shave your armpits.
You could buy a poor person as a pet
You can smoke a trillion dollar bill.
The men don’t have to wank any more. They can get someone else to do it.
Andrew Brisbane could buy his way into The Gorskys so doesn’t have to spend half his life on the net submitting “funny” comments
When your rich you can hire people to teach spelling to all the readers of Gorskys so you don’t have to spend 20 minutes deciphering each comment. [And if you're really rich, you can teach the whingers the difference between "your" and "you're" - Liam]
You won’t kick yourself so hard when you win $50,000,000.00 on the internet but the computer crashes before you can claim you money.
You can make you and your oil friends richer by starting a war and gas prices go up.
Just buy the world and if anybody compains, drown them in the ocean
Buy all power, water and gas utility companies in the world, and have a little fun flicking the supplies on and off!
Car broke down? Buy another. Puncture? Buy another car.
You’ll actually have a chance at scoring with the girl that you really like. Wouldn’t that be nice.
You can use your body clock in the mornings, not the alarm clock.
You can become the President of a powerful nation despite being a complete idiot.
You can go back to work for the worst boss you’ve previously had, slack off to the point of dismissal, buy the company and instead sack your boss (if they were particularly evil, follow your boss from company to company until they leap from the roof).
You don’t have to worry about dating insufferable fellows who secretly wish they were rich only so that they could kill their wives or hire porno stars. You could take yourself to dinner and liberate the porno stars by offering them grants for performance art.
You can roll around in big pilles of hundred dollar bills.
You can walk through a posh neighbourhood and shout ” You wouldn’t catch me living in the shithole”…or walk past Buckingham palace saying “Bought it”