Reasons To Be Rich

December 1st, 2002

 Reasons To Be Rich

When you're poor and insane, they put you in an asylum. When you're rich, and insane, they call you eccentric.

Lots of rich people say that being rich isn’t all that great.

“Money doesn’t buy happiness,” they say. And they’re right.

But having oodles of cash does have its consolation. This month, we share some of the secrets of the filthy rich.

  • There’s no need to save up for a multi-region DVD player when you can own a DVD for each region, in each region, and just fly to the appropriate machine.
  • You need never clean the house again. When it’s dirty, just buy another.
  • You may not be the best looking guy in the room, but you always go home with the best-looking woman.
  • There’s no need to bet $10 on the Melbourne Cup when you own half the horses.
  • You don’t need to worry about drinking and driving, although it does pay to check that your chauffeur’s hip flask does only contain water every once in a while.
  • You never need to worry about meeting a loan payment. When you owe $1 billion, it’s the bank that worries.
  • If you run out of ice, you can always fly in more from the Antarctic.
  • You don’t have to worry each year about filing a tax return. Your accountant makes sure you don’t pay tax.
  • Your friends may not be great conversationalists, but they are super models.
  • You don’t need to learn how to program your VCR. You can pay someone to stay at home and press play and record for you.
  • You don’t need to learn how to program your VCR. You can pay someone to buy the TV station for you and repeat the show at your leisure.
  • If someone mucks up your new Celtic tattoo, don’t worry about laser removal scars – just get your brain transplanted to a new body
  • If your computer keeps crashing, you just buy another computer company.
  • When you say something really stupid at a party, you can pay doctors to erase everyone’s memory, so you are always remembered as being clever
  • If you have ugly friends, you can fund the plastic surgery to make them stunning.
  • Why hire a porno video when you can hire the actual star?
  • Charities don’t call you during your dinner asking for a donation. They take you to dinner and ask for a donation.
  • You don’t pay bank charges when you own the bank.
  • It’s OK to put “bigger yacht” on your Christmas list.
  • Your parents don’t care if you crash the car.
  • You can stop your parents nagging you to clean your room by hiring a cleaner.

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Reasons To Be Rich

Reasons Readers Reckon It's Great To Be Rich

  1. You can become the President of a powerful nation despite being a complete idiot.

    Current score: 0

    Will G [23/02/2003]

  2. You can go back to work for the worst boss you’ve previously had, slack off to the point of dismissal, buy the company and instead sack your boss (if they were particularly evil, follow your boss from company to company until they leap from the roof).

    Current score: 0

    Tris M [16/02/2003]

  3. You don’t have to worry about dating insufferable fellows who secretly wish they were rich only so that they could kill their wives or hire porno stars. You could take yourself to dinner and liberate the porno stars by offering them grants for performance art.

    Current score: 0

    Debra Rymer [16/02/2003]

  4. You can roll around in big pilles of hundred dollar bills.

    Current score: 0

    Kitty Sedai [13/02/2003]

  5. You can walk through a posh neighbourhood and shout ” You wouldn’t catch me living in the shithole”…or walk past Buckingham palace saying “Bought it”

    Current score: 0

    Tracy cawkwell [03/02/2003]

  6. White people will let you play golf with them and make small talk.

    Current score: 0

    Vamsi Reddy [31/01/2003]

  7. You have the power and influence to finally make a difference. Compassionately use your political connections to get the refugees released from Woomera detention centre, and replace them with hippies who are far more irritating.

    Current score: 0

    Tanya H [30/01/2003]

  8. You can employ all the people you hated in highschool to do the menial work in your new sewage treatment plant, then fire them for being too sloppy.

    Current score: 0

    Tanya H [29/01/2003]

  9. You can finally see if it really is possible to swim around in a money bin.

    Current score: 0

    Tanya H [29/01/2003]

  10. You can finally do something good for the community, like turning Bankstown into a landfill.

    Current score: 0

    Tanya H [29/01/2003]

  11. You can build an airport over the top of your old high school and laugh every time your private jet lands on top of where the principal’s office used to be.

    Current score: 0

    Tanya H [29/01/2003]

  12. When you’re as rich as the Gorsky’s, you don’t have to update your website for two months.

    Current score: 0

    Andy Richards [29/01/2003]

  13. To save wear and tear on your VCR, you can hire the Wiggles, so your kids can watch them perform the same ten songs, five times a day for the next three weeks.

    Current score: 0

    Cam Castles [26/01/2003]

  14. You could afford to purchase as many as THREE ITEMS from the Candy Bar at the movies.

    Current score: 0

    Brian Vo [07/01/2003]

  15. Having the email address richest.prick@world.com

    Current score: 0

    Andrew Brisbane [07/01/2003]

  16. You could buy the Gorskys a drink… maybe more than one!

    Current score: 0

    HpN [07/01/2003]

  17. Play Monopoly® with real money, real hotels and a giant man-sized thimble made of titanium.

    Current score: 0

    Brian Vo [07/01/2003]

  18. There really is no better feeling than being in a position to knock down the houses of those who hate you to build a shopping centre for the hell of it.

    Current score: 0

    Andrew Brisbane [07/01/2003]

  19. If you kill your wife, you can buy a lawyer who will blame it on racism.

    Current score: 0

    Barrett Cool [07/01/2003]

  20. If you’re watching TV and and don’t like the show thats on, broadcast re-programming is just a phone call away!

    Current score: 0

    Andrew Brisbane [07/01/2003]

  21. You can enjoy the pleasure of the most expensive hooker in the world whilst drinking the worlds finest coffee and at no point even care which is better than the other!

    Current score: 0

    Andrew Brisbane [07/01/2003]

  22. You can make your parents stop nagging you. BUY new parents!

    Current score: 0

    NeonButterfly_Cyanide [07/01/2003]

  23. When you get arrested you just buy the gouvernment.

    Current score: 0

    Izzy Wolfrider [07/01/2003]

  24. They say that money con’t buy you happiness but it doesn’t matter that you’re just renting sizeable chunks of it for the rest of your natural.

    Current score: 0

    Gordy Clarke [07/01/2003]

  25. You can’t hear you wife nagging you at the dinner table because she’s 100 ft away down the other end of it.

    Current score: 0

    Andrew Brisbane [07/01/2003]

  26. The best reason would be to fund someone to track down and kill Spiny Norman so that he stops bothering me.

    Current score: 0

    Dinsdale Piranha [07/01/2003]

  27. Wiping with twenties (Think about it).

    Current score: 0

    Neil Spencer Hiatt [07/01/2003]

  28. You can be the biggest nerd in the world, and still be part of the cool crowd. (well sort of… is bill gates cool?)

    Current score: 0

    madgorgon [07/01/2003]

  29. Ya can buy another island for midgets to live on cos they scare the crap outta ya!

    Current score: 0

    mary xmas [07/01/2003]

  30. Not having to suck up to the Gorskys by telling them if you got rich you’d buy them beer.

    Current score: 0

    R.R. Daniel Kahn [07/01/2003]

What Do You Think Is Great About Being Filthy Rich?

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