Liam Cody hosts.
Survivor. Big Brother. Popstars. Treasure Island. Reality TV is the BIG THING. But really, the shows are all so boring.
Get some ordinary people, and put them in an unrealistic situation, and there you go. Cheap TV that everyone loves. But there’s something lacking.
This month, we outline the up-coming reality TV shows that the networks are planning.
- 007 Survivor – Take seven ordinary people, put them on a desert island, and give them a licence to kill. The one who causes the most mayhem and saves the world gets the girl.
- Armageddon – Entrust a bunch of Nuns to fly to an asteroid on a collision course with Earth, and blow it up with nuclear bombs. First one back to Earth gets to praise the Lord.
- Dwarf Survivor – A group of twenty dwarves are placed on a tropical island. Each week, one of them is voted off the island. Last one to leave wins a pair of stilts.
- Dragon Slayer – Each week, fifteen single twenty-something girls looking for love are forced to attend a fantasy role-playing game. Person who kisses the spottiest teenager wins.
- Stowaway – Ten Iranian refugees must escape to freedom in Australia by sitting in a shipping container for six weeks. Winner gets a refugee visa on arrival. Everyone else is sent home.
- Elvis Lives – A group of ten Elvis impersonators are left on a tropical island. Each week, they get clues to find the secret treasure: the world’s biggest stash of deep-fried peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
- Street Life – Twenty-seven conservative policitians are made to live in a public toilet. Last one to leave gets a dollar. How long will it be until their common decency outweighs their greed? This is a show that could last for years.
- Dot-Com Survivor – A group of twenty ordinary computer nerds are given $100 million each. Most spectacular crash wins worthless share options in all the other companies.
- Big Sister – 10 only-children are strapped into chairs and verbally taunted and attacked by professional big sisters until they truly believe they were an accident or adopted. Winner gets free lifetime counselling.
- RockQuest – Conduct a nationwide quest to find a talentless plumber, a tone-deaf accountant, a musically-challenged computer programmer and a taxidermist, give them heaps of marketing and promotion, and turn them into a world-beating rock group.
- Celebrity RockQuest – Just like RockQuest, but using the members of the Backstreet Boys.
Everyone’s A Winner Ten beautiful naked women are put on an desert island with me. all get to have sex with me. There are no losers.
Beer factor Just like Fear Factor only they get a load of contestants out of a pub. The winner gets $50,000 to spend in any pub in any country.
Who’s your Surgeon? Two plastic surgeons take turns operating on each other in an attempt to make the other guy look like themselves. The surgeon who creates best duplicate of himself gets pudding and Vancomycin.
Grandpa Tag Take a bunch of grandpas and their grandsons to a corn field in Pennsylvania. Each kid and his grandpa are a team. The whole point of grandpa tag is the grandson has to kick his grandfather in the nuts until he throws up. First grandpa to puke wins.
Most Annoying Freak You stick 20 people in a room and allow them to do WHATEVER they want to annoy each other. The most annoying freak wins $50,000… and 24/7 protection.
Mars Survivor Ten contestants are each put on a random location on Mars, each with a collection of fuel, spare parts and other useful equipment, and a HAB module. First one to successfully build and fly an ERV (Earth Return Vehicle) wins.
Who Wants to Marry My Mom? Use my 61 year old mother and find her a suitor. We need something for the older crowd.
The Fruit Cup 16 straight men are placed in a straw hut with a gay guy who is allowed to do anything he wants. Last one sane after 32 weeks wins!
WWIII The whole world goes to war, and each country votes one another off the survivors list.
Backyard Blitz Athens Watch as the highly trained workers try to finish the Olympic Venues before the start of the 2004 Olympics. Can they do it?
Could of, Should of been an Idol
Attracts the older generation, maybe 30-
up. There is a lot of talent that can bring home some old time rock and roll or down home blues. But we can’t compete against these 16- 20 year olds.
How Strong Is Your Combover? Twelve men with ‘combovers’ are sent to a tropical island. They are each given a can of aqua net to spray down their hair. Then on the night of a fierce storm they must see who’s hair sticks to there head. The winner receives a year supply of Goody Combs and Aqua net.
Battle of Child Neglect Stars such as Michael Jackson and Steve Irwin race to see who can do the stupidest thing with their infant children in a 10 week mini-series.
Joe Aids Like Joe Millionaire, only with a much more interesting twist at the end.
Real World Pakistan Ten people are picked to live in an underground bunker and survive for six weeks. The cameras will catch all the fun as the group avoids meeting with the terrorist
Town Mice vs. Country Mice A rich family from the city and a poor family from the country switch places for a year. Whoever manages to survive the longest wins a million dollars.
Changing Closets Four guys get four hours to make-over each others closets. Every hour the closets are inspected by a gorgeous blonde hostess and the guy whose closet most resembles a showgirl’s dressing room gets outed on the spot. His candles are quenched and he has to leave via the “Back door of Wedgies” where he is rumbled by the bawdy carpenter team. The winner gets to have sex with the hostess and token carpenter shiela in the refurbished closet whilst the bawdy carpenter team crack jokes and drink piss as they watch via 12 hidden cameras.
Robin in Da Hood He steals from the rich, and keeps it.
Celebrity Chat up Contestants must find and chat up someone famous, the one who has the longest conversation is the winner. If they are not arrested first.
Oops! I married a Yak! Contestants marry various animals while blindfolded. The contestant who stays with their “significant other” the longest wins.
Divorced By America Get 20 couples that have been married for seven years, and tape them non stop, 24/7. Let America decide which ones should stay together. The top five worst couples get to be divorced on national television. YAY!
Are you Ugly? Start out with 50 people, and let viewers vote who is the ugliest one. The winner gets a full facial and body reconstruction to look like Britany Spears. The rest should be put out of their misery, for entering such a lame show!
Teacher temptation Island A teacher is on an island with twenty sexy students. If they get off the island without having sex with their students, they win a minivan.
House Hunter Take five newly wed couples and make each couple stay in a mansion, condo, houseboat, MTV Real World apt., and a camper for one night pleading to the viewers to vote them into the home of their dreams. The Twist: The people that win the mansion pay the property tax to the couple that wins the camper.
Will you be my Daddy? A single mother looking for a daddy for her child. Will choose between 25 single men (w/no kids) who’ve never been married down to ONE! He must be willing and able to take on the responsibility of someone else’s child. The twist will be that he (the chosen one) adopts the child at the end and in return he gets the chance to fully expose the dead-beat dad.
Around the world series Contestants must travel the globe in search of a variety of deadly incurable diseases. Bonuses given for STD’s. Person with the highest score receives a discount voucher for a $100,000 for a funeral of their choice.
Are you my daddy? A single mother looking for a daddy for her child. Must be single himself (with no kids) and willing to take on the responsibility of someone else’s child. The twist will be that he (the single guy) adopts the child at the end and in return he gets the chance to fully expose the dead-beat dad.
man vs. mankind An ordinary loser sues the entire humanity for neglection etc.
Kennel Wars 12 people are trapped in a dog kennel with hungry, rabid dogs. Whoever lives the longest gets to take home one of the dogs.
Trailer Park Princess Redneck hunk of the trailer park has a case of trailer park princesses vying for his affections. They compete to win a tall-boy can of beer at the bonfire beer ceremony signifying that they move on to the next round. Win immunity from being cut by winning fish gutting contest, most impressive fart contest(blindfolded), trailering the boat contest. Barefoot dash aroung the dirt track wearing daisy dukes and white cut-off midriff Tees while being dowsed with water hoses.
Finalist wins trip to Myrtle Beach. Yee-Haw