Playing To Offend: Criminal Video Games

May 1st, 2008

Triple-jump out of this one, Mario

'Character Assassination 2K8' allows the player to kill-off those characters that really give them the shits. (See also 'Copyright Infringement 2K8')

The latest instalment of Rockstar Games’ controversial ‘Grand Theft Auto’ has just been released amidst another storm of debate due to its blatant displays of bad behaviour.

The controversy lies in the fact that the game allows players to commit criminal acts, from car-theft and robberies to violent assault and murder.

But GTA falls short on a variety of crimes. For example, you can’t steal cable, make a copy of a DVD movie or busk without a licence.

We’d like to see a whole range of new crime games. Who wouldn’t choose to play Wynona Ryder in ‘Celebrity Shoplift’, produce and sell Simpsons t-shirts in ‘Copyright Infringement 2K8′ or incite a riot against the government in ‘SeditionStar’?

So here’s some of our upcoming Gorskys Games titles…

  • Indecent Exposure: Salt Lake City – Rack up the points as you travel the city in a trenchcoat, flashing mormons. Lose points if the victims laugh. Bonus points for flashing in snowstorms or on-camera at televised events.
  • Fashion Crimes 2K8 – Set in the glamourous world of the Academy Awards, your job is to convince the stars on the red carpet not to wear something they might regret. Level-completion bonus: get to punch Lindsay Lohan, Tom Cruise or Tara Reid in the back of the head.
  • Electoral Fraud 2000 – Armed with a backpack full of illegal ballot papers, you must stuff ballot boxes without being seen by the electoral officials, and generate clever techniques to stop Democrats from being able to vote. Finally convince the media to announce the Republican candidate as winner before all the votes are counted.
  • Blasphemy: Vatican City – Whilst on the run from the Pope mobile, you must blaspheme loudly in chapels and deface religious monuments for massive points. Avoid being squashed by the giant hand of God. Bonus points for tattooing “God sucks balls” on the pontiff’s forehead.
  • Tax Evasion 2K8 – Avoid the sneaky tax collectors while shifting cash from offshore account to offshore account. Find the ‘creative accountants’ and collect tips on how to fiddle the books and exploit the hidden legal loopholes in the system. Bonus points for collecting illegal benefit payments.
  • Driving Under The Influence 2: Celebrity Face-Off – A racing game in which all participants are intoxicated celebrities in sports cars driving through L.A. Bonus points for talking your way out of an arrest by screaming “Do you know who I am!?!”. Super-bonus for weaselling your way out of prison before serving any time.
  • Jaywalk UK – Blatantly flaunt Londons road rules by crossing roads outside of allocated pedestrian crossings. Bonus points for beating up tourists on the zebra crossing on Abbey Road. Extra bonus points for not being killed by angry cab drivers.
  • Perjury Hero – Lie, stack and bribe the jury in this action-packed game for the whole family. Using well-documented tactics, develop psychological profiles of the jury and play to their sensitivities and fears. Or develop your blackmail techniques and threaten their families. Ages 7-and-up.
  • Grand Parking Fine Infinity – Park your car and wait for the parking inspector. Top up the meter before he has a chance to give you a fine or just attack the bastard with a selection of deadly weapons for big bonus points.
  • Presidential Assassination – Your chance to assassinate an American president. Play with pre-configured assassins such as John Wilkes Booth, Lee Harvey Oswald, John Hinkley or a range of FBI and CIA agents. See if you really can shoot JFK from the book repository or help John Hinkley get it right. Be the first to take a potshot at George W. Bush.

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Playing To Offend: Criminal Video Games

Your crime game suggestions...

  1. Emo Emulator 2008: Feel what its like to be a cry baby masachist with various leather attachments to unleash a flurry of brutal beatings across yourself.

    Current score: 0

    Bozzy Bozbourne [14/08/2008]

  2. Footballers\’ Etiquette – within the action packed setting of the Black Cat Culb, see how many ladies you can get to drop down their pants in one night. Do not forget to knock out the competition with a bar stall back to the head or by what ever means possible, the option is up to you. Cheat: if you come across a hot babe who is conserative, try to drop a Rol- Hip-Knowle (spelling?)in her drink; that will get her juices flowing. Remember, to have a convincing alibi and not get caught by the wife. Happy playing.

    Current score: 0

    Patrick Coyle [12/05/2008]

  3. Old Fart Rampage – aim is to leave bingo and drive yourself back to the nursing home and get away with as much mischief as possible without loosing your license or getting chained to the bed by the nurse. Bonus points – flashing the bingo host, drive annoyingly slow cause motorists to swear and throw things at the car, accelerate through shop windows and explaining to the cop that you meant to hit the break, sell your prescription drugs to teenagers, put your indicator on and not turn for the next couple of kilometres, urinate in public and bore random people with bull crap stories.

    Current score: 0

    Patrick Coyle [12/05/2008]

  4. Willie Nelson’s Guitar Hero: Sit back and injoy playing all of Willie’s Greats. Just play along with a custom guitar just like Willie’s. For a limited time, get a free bong with each game, try and keep up. Try to beat the Hardest level "Boozed Up", after drinking a full bottle of Jack Daniels you must beat willie at the song "Whisky River", A breathalizer is built into the guitar, if you don’t blow at least 0.126 the game won’t even start.

    Current score: 0

    Wee Mad [11/05/2008]

  5. Weave and Wig Party! All guests need to arrive wearing a wig or have intricate hair extensions.

    Current score: 0

    Marc Cracchiolo [09/05/2008]

  6. Burger Fliper 08 – you get points for spiting in food and taking your god dam time to make it !!!

    Current score: 0

    martin scarbrough [09/05/2008]

  7. My(half)Life – a game where you spend all day hiding from your boss looking at porn on the internet.

    Current score: 0

    martin scarbrough [09/05/2008]

  8. Womb Raider – Chase half naked girls through ancient ruins then have your wicked way with them

    Current score: 0

    martin scarbrough [09/05/2008]

What crime games would you like to see?

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