No-Nonsense Wine Guide

June 1st, 1999

 No Nonsense Wine Guide

Some people believe zombies can be cured with a good red. These people are drunks, and will be first to die in the Zombie Invasion.

Many of our readers have been asking us to follow the lead of newspapers. Instead of having actual news, please devote more time to lifestyle issues. We’re happy to follow the trend. Here is our no-nonsense wine guide.

Wine. People have been drinking it for centuries. It’s made of grapes that begin to rot. The rotting process makes the juice alcoholic, and if you drink enough wine, you can actually pass out and even die.

Our favourite wine is anything that’s cheap. Some people will happily spend a hundred dollars on a bottle, but that’s just because they’ve got too much money. A more sensible limit is $5 per bottle.

None of the wines below are actually drinkable, but they do get you drunk. It’s a trade-off.


Stanley Claret – 5 litre cask

(aka, Lady in a Boat)

Polish this one off in one go, and be sure to catch the porcelain bus.

Lloyd’s non-alcoholic Grape Juice and Methylated Spirits

Strictly for the under-age, this one. The grape juice is available at the supermarket, and tastes like syrup. The metho gives it a kick like a donkey. Polish it off and you’ll be six kinds of Wednesday, for sure.

Victoria Bitter

Technically not a wine, this delightful drop in the green can from Carlton & United Breweries is one of the best tipple on the market. Cheaper by the slab.

Melbourne Bitter

Also a beer, this delightful drop in the red can from Carlton & United Breweries features the new ‘wide mouth’ cans, to help you slam it down fast. Because, if there’s one drink you need to drink faster, it’s got to be beer.

Penfold’s Club Port

After a big night’s drinking, there’s no better way to become and absolute ‘nana victim than with this cough syrup of a beverage. Best consumed straight from the bottle, it’s guaranteed to make you feel like a dog shat in your mouth the next morning.

Seaview Champagne

Technically not champagne, but a potent mixture of carbon dioxide and the dregs left over after the wine maker has hosed out the urinals, this stuff tastes every bit as good as it’s $3.95 price tag suggests. An excellent starter for a high school party.

Carafe of House Wine at La Porchetta restaurant

There are two mysteries about the house wine at this fine chain of pizza restaurants

  1. how do they sell it so cheaply and not go broke? and,
  2. how do they call it wine and not get fined for misleading and deceptive conduct under the Trade Practices Act?

Wine with a screw top bottle

There’s a big debate in the wine industry about replacing corks with synthetic substitutes. The jury’s still out on that one, but definitely made its mind up on the screw top bottle. Saved for only the nastier creations, drinking a bottle of this stuff will make you totally 28th of April.

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No-Nonsense Wine Guide