A report on the latest furore in British medicine.
Dateline: London. Top UK surgeons were last night operating on a piece of goat cheese, believed to be a re-incarnation of William Shakespeare.
This is not the first time that top UK surgeon’s have done something incredibly stupid. Last year, a 96-hour operation on a tuft of lint from John Major’s jacket cost British taxpayers over £6 million ($12 million). The result? The lint died.
Increasingly, sensible people in the UK are asking themselves the question “What the hell are we paying these top UK surgeons for? They seem to be a bunch of complete loonies.”
A source close to the surgeons had a flippant response. “If that lint had lived, we would have been hailed as geniuses. It would have been the first time in history that top UK surgeons had made lint live. That we failed just shows how incredibly difficult the task was, and how enormously brave we were for putting our necks out and trying. Honestly, you people from the press make me sick.”
John Major spoke angrily at a hastily arranged press conference. “I’m very angry,” he said. “Very, very angry.”
The goat cheese is in a critical condition. “Critical?” It was reported by hospital officials as saying. “I’m not critical. I’m bloody angry. I was having a nice cup of tea when some looney top UK surgeon shoved me into a plastic bag and started operating on my gouda. Yeah sure, I am a re-incarnation of William Shakespeare, but so what. It’s not as though I can write poetry or anything. I’ve got no arms.”
Researchers at Melbourne’s Monash Medical Centre were surprised at the fuss the top UK surgeons’ actions have caused. One internationally respected IVF surgeon said “This sort of thing is old hat here in Australia. We have already created over 6 billion IVF babies using a single bottle of Yakult, and a human egg. I’m surprised it’s taken the Poms so long to discover the unique medical potential in your common cheeses.”
No Cheese, Please – We’re British
