New Content Warnings For TV

February 1st, 2009

TV-PG - Pretty Gross

Television is getting pretty scary these days, what with all that cursing, sex, violence and overacting, which is why I appreciate a good program-content warning.

I like to know before I settle down in front of the box if the latest episode of American Idol contains “mild sexual references”, or if the latest South Park will contain some “crude and indecent language”, or if the repeat of Everybody Loves Raymond will contain any jokes at all.

But I think the networks should take their rating systems further and really give us a sense of what we can expect in a TV show. I’d like to see the warning “Tonight’s episode of The Biggest Loser may contain images that may not be suitable for people eating their dinner”, or “The following program, So You Think You Can Dance, contains unbridled egos, occasional insincere crocodile tears and numerous tantrums”.

That would be my cue to turn off.

So, for the safety of the viewing public, here are some content warnings for some popular TV shows.

  • LOST – The following program is rated “Confusing”. It contains never-ending storylines, convoluted premises, and never-resolving script threads.
  • HOUSE MD – This program may induce medical paranoia and is not suitable for hypochondriacs.
  • GREYS ANATOMY – The following program contains circular storylines, ridiculous sentimentality, sickly love stories and self-important characters and should not be watched by anyone.
  • BIG BROTHER – The following program contains spectacularly-dull examples of humanity.
  • DEXTER – This program may encourage vigilante behaviour in rednecks and idiots.
  • AMERICAN IDOL – This program contains numerous instances of people who think warbling through multiple octaves somehow makes them a good singer.
  • AUSTRALIAN IDOL – This program will contain multiple instances of a self-important obnoxious, talentless commercial-radio hack making judgements based purely on flawed opinion and arrogant assumption.
  • 60 MINUTES – May contain traces of truth.
  • E! – May contain traces of entertainment (but probably not).
  • TWO AND A HALF MEN – This program contains overuse of canned laughter, even though no discernible joke has been delivered.
  • THE APPRENTICE – This program contains images of Donald Trump’s hair, which may cause seizures.
  • NEIGHBOURS (Aust) – Seriously implausible storylines, appalling dialogue and insipid actors with aspirations to be popstars. (See also HOME AND AWAY).
  • THE HILLS – The following program may contain the ridiculous premise that the situations are real and not carefully scripted by cynical network executives.
  • 24 – The following program may contain a premise that was a good idea for one series, but has now been completely thrashed to death.
  • DANCING WITH THE STARS – May contain people you recognise but cannot put a name to, embarrassing themselves in front of the nation.
  • AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL – May reinforce all your worst fears about how dumb pretty people are.

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New Content Warnings For TV

Readers' Content Warnings for TV shows

  1. dora the explorer getting laid by the sesame street

    Current score: 1

    wes cook [09/09/2009]

  2. ALL GREAT SHOWS-Warning- throughout these programs all you will hear is: this program will continue after these messages.

    Current score: 1

    Lifetime lover . . . <3 [08/09/2009]

  3. Any ANIME – This animation may influence you for the rest of your life, making you do textual portraits of your facial expressions with letters and numbers even on your professional CV. (^_~)

    Current score: 2

    Neutron Neuron [06/06/2009]

  4. Extreme Makeover – This program may show humans being transformed into expressionless plastic dolls.

    Current score: 0

    Neutron Neuron [06/06/2009]

  5. CSI – The following program may awake the killer in you, making you believe you have all the necessary information you need to get away with murder.

    Current score: 0

    Neutron Neuron [06/06/2009]

  6. Soccer games. Warning…watching this program may entice you to join your local thespian society, or become a member of your local diving team.

    Current score: 0

    Dan stewart [03/06/2009]

  7. Rove: High level bland, overworked, worn-out content (hasn’t changed in 10 years)
    How level reasons to watch, except maybe that Hamish dude who should really replace Rove, that would be good, someone who is partially hilarious and doesn’t have a 10-foot pole shoved up their ego.

    Current score: 0

    The When [24/04/2009]

  8. O\’Reilly Factor – May cause one to bash thier head in, if only to stop listening to this self-important bigot.

    Current score: 0

    Travis Noll [19/03/2009]

  9. Sunrise-WARNING!! This program may contain David Koch!

    Current score: 0

    Jarrod Robinson [18/03/2009]

  10. Learn how to play a piano or violin. That would be great. :D

    Current score: 0

    Eddie Lu [12/03/2009]

  11. Teh Internetz: R8ed R. Not an actual TV show, bt shd not be viewed by ne1 under 18, bcuz it may turn dem in2 n00bz. Also contains many many many amateurish videos of people fucking. Poorly.

    Current score: 0

    Ryan The Great [11/03/2009]

  12. Reality TV – Warning, watching these programs will deteriorate your mind resulting in dumbness

    Current score: 0

    Patrick Coyle [18/02/2009]

  13. SBS World News – Warning! Rated PG (for some newsreader fashion horror).

    Current score: 0

    Mr P. Poo [18/02/2009]

  14. I want to further and add commercials… \

    Current score: 0

    Sal Simpson [16/02/2009]

  15. CSI–any of them. Warning: may cause desire to shove your face into any orifice in another person’s body to ‘just see what happens.’

    Current score: 0

    Diana Grogg [15/02/2009]

  16. Everybody Loves Raymond – This programme may cause deja vu if you have seen if you have seen any other episode.

    Current score: 0

    Dean Robson [13/02/2009]

  17. Hannah Montanna – May be addictive to your 20-year-old son who ought to know better by now.

    Current score: 2

    Ryan The Great [12/02/2009]

  18. Family Guy – May cause you to eat chicken with a vengeance.

    Current score: 0

    Ryan The Great [12/02/2009]

  19. How I Met Your Mother – This programme may entice awkward social confusion when you command a "freeze-frame high 5." True story.

    Current score: 0

    Ryan The Great [12/02/2009]

  20. Black Books – may induce haughty intellectual superiority, British humour, addiction to red wine, chain smoking and lying about whinging about the state of humanity and the world all day long, and cause viewers to read essential literature to better their cultural and intellectual selves. May also provoke people to lash out at those stupid, petty, pathetic, ridiculous, moronic customers that you hate so much. May also make you own a bookstore, possibly next to a store that sells \’a lot of wank\’.

    Current score: 0

    Silent Dan [12/02/2009]

  21. Today Tonight – May make you feel Unaustralian.

    Current score: 0

    Ryan The Great [12/02/2009]

What about you?

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