This is the type of vagrant you would actually quite like to have on your steps.
Have you noticed how the 21st Century seems to have a lot more beggars. In theory, right wing governments and rational economic theories were supposed to abolish poverty. This was largely by cutting support for the poor and outlawing the concept.
It doesn’t seem to have worked.
Recently, while strolling into a classy department store to buy a new set of satin sheets, a man with a beard and a lack of familiarity with the concept of soap had the temerity to ask me if I had any spare change.
Spare change! Hasn’t he heard of credit cards? I haven’t seen actual cash in years.
There’s nothing that brings property prices down so much as the homeless camping on your door step.
This month, in an attempt to help our more well-to-do readers, GORSKYS.COMedy looks at cheap and effective steps you can take to stop bums from sleeping on your doorstep.
- Offer the bum a dollar to sleep on your neighbour’s doorstep.
- Stop putting out a bottle of whiskey for the milkman. This often attracts bums.
- Camp out on your own doorstep. When the bum arrives, tell him there’s no room.
- Eliminate your doorstep by installing a street-front lift
- Bums are notoriously fussy. Install heated doorsteps, but ensure they are just a little too warm for comfort.
- Engage a delightful local child to ask the bum for 20 cents to buy an ice cream. Since kids are impossible to resist, the bum will have to surrender his day’s earnings. After a few days, he will realise that this is not a profitable area, and move on.
- Engage a delightful local child to befriend the bum. Spread rumours about their ‘friendship’ and let the police remove the bum for 20 years.
- Get yourself a labrador to guard the house. It will annoy the bum all night by licking his face, forcing him to move on.
- Give the bum a teenager’s mobile phone for the night. The constant beeping as new text messages arrive will drive him away.
- Give the bum permission to stay, provide him with a TV and ask for only one thing: a blow by blow description of what happens over-night in the Big Brother house. He’ll be gone by 10 pm.
- Charge the bum rent.
- Auction the bum on eBay.
- Scare the bum away by hanging a crucifix in your window with a sign “Sinners Welcome”
- Allow the bum to stay only if he accompanies you to Scooby Doo the Movie first.
- Go and live on the bum’s doorstep and see if he likes it.
Introduce him to your mother in law and send them off for a romantic bush camp with the Branch Davidians.
Buy a violin and ‘practice’ Twinkle Twinkle Little Star all day (assuming you have no musical ability and are tone deaf, this will work a treat).
Become a Mormon and ask the bum every 15 minutes if he’s found God yet.
Line your door step something sticky or spiky, or anything you will not be able to rest on.
Make them an attraction so you can make people pay money to see the "sleeping freak". You will either- Drive them away with the flashes, or- You will get enough profits for them to buy a house, or- If you don’t pay them, they will run away because they are working for nothing.
Pay for the bums college degree in computer proggraming, then when he goes and gets a job he wont be a bum anymore. So instead of a bum sleeping on your doorstep you’ll have a computer programmmer. Get your money’s worth back by making him write you super viruses to send to all those who have angered you.
Inform authorities that the bum is actually a fugitive of the Woomera Detention Centre.
Suddenly become sexually atracted to the bum. if he isn’t homosexual, he will most likely become frightend and run away.
Dress the bum up like 2pac – he should be bumped off in a gangland style killing within hours.
Rather than put yourself in the cold bring in the services of your Mother In Law. Keep her out on the doorstep where she deserves to be anyway and no bum shall ever look sideways at it as a potential residence.
Okay fine…I’ll leave your damn doorstep Liam. Chris offered me a time share on his anyway….you didn’t have to make a joke out of on the website…*sob*
Place a few PC’s connected to the net in the doorway and start the worlds first Internet Doorway Cafe. Soon there will be so many yuppies in the doorway a bum wouldn’t want to be seen dead there!
Shoot one in the head as a lesson for all the rest wanting to follow.
Place severed heads on stakes around your lawn, then whenever the bum gets on your door step go near the door and sharpen your axe loudly and play ominous music. (preferably from one of the hannibal lecter movies.)
Continually hard sell him copies of ‘The Big Issue’ and if he won’t buy them call him a tight arse and an illiterate shitbag.
Draw an out line of a person in an old coat infront of the house, spread some paper-wrapped bottles and cigarette butts around. Scares Shit out of them.
Sit next to the bum for as long as you can stand and poke him continuiously.
Rather than YOU kick the bums out, set up cameras in your doorway, sell the screening rights to Channel 10 and let the public decide who goes! Big Doorway Brother!
Still on the Big Brother theme…bring in the "cast" of Celebrity Big Brother to sit in your doorway. No bum would want to be stuck with that lot for more than a minute.
The Faux-Door-to-Door-Salesman Approach: Dress up in a cheap tweed suit, sneak out your back door with an old vacuum cleaner, and shove it in the bum’s face, shouting rudely about how good it is, and that he should buy it for only $999. Repeat constantly. The bum will either become consumed by murderous rage, or will move out of the neighbourhood. Whether or not he kills you does not matter, both ways he’ll get taken off your doorstep.
delusionsofgrandeur
Cook the bum on a spit roast while singing songs to Krishna. If this does not have the desired effect, you always have a nice meal ready to carve up.
Tell some Jehova’s Whitnesses to sell him an "Atayala" (or whatever it’s called) and to give him a-3-hours-speech of why Jehova’s is picking it’s nose.
Place a T.V in the garden..give him the remote..then keep hiding the remote when he is not lookin..surely he cant take this for much longer!!
Glue lots of rubber teats to the door step, and smother them in custard. Find out what kind of animal/person this attracts. Then email me. I want to try it.
Get a door mat that says "Cannibals R Us" and tell him you’d love to have him for dinner.
There is an easier option. If they approach you, stand up tall, free your mind, relax and RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!DONT LOOK BACK, KEEP RUNNING!!! And eventually, you’ll lose them.
Tell him that another person finds him very very hot and say the name of your enemy — preferably a pretty one — but say she is a bit shy and if he asks her she will deny it. Then walk away with a victory smile. One bum down 19 999 999 more to go.
Place a Sign "Bum for Sale"
Pay him 20 cents to eat some broken glass. He’ll be dead in 20 minutes.
Sing the bum showtunes. Bums hate showtunes.