How To Keep Bums From Sleeping On Your Doorstep

July 1st, 2002
Marilyn Munroe, vagrant.

This is the type of vagrant you would actually quite like to have on your steps.

Have you noticed how the 21st Century seems to have a lot more beggars. In theory, right wing governments and rational economic theories were supposed to abolish poverty. This was largely by cutting support for the poor and outlawing the concept.

It doesn’t seem to have worked.

Recently, while strolling into a classy department store to buy a new set of satin sheets, a man with a beard and a lack of familiarity with the concept of soap had the temerity to ask me if I had any spare change.

Spare change! Hasn’t he heard of credit cards? I haven’t seen actual cash in years.

There’s nothing that brings property prices down so much as the homeless camping on your door step.

This month, in an attempt to help our more well-to-do readers, GORSKYS.COMedy looks at cheap and effective steps you can take to stop bums from sleeping on your doorstep.

  • Offer the bum a dollar to sleep on your neighbour’s doorstep.
  • Stop putting out a bottle of whiskey for the milkman. This often attracts bums.
  • Camp out on your own doorstep. When the bum arrives, tell him there’s no room.
  • Eliminate your doorstep by installing a street-front lift
  • Bums are notoriously fussy. Install heated doorsteps, but ensure they are just a little too warm for comfort.
  • Engage a delightful local child to ask the bum for 20 cents to buy an ice cream. Since kids are impossible to resist, the bum will have to surrender his day’s earnings. After a few days, he will realise that this is not a profitable area, and move on.
  • Engage a delightful local child to befriend the bum. Spread rumours about their ‘friendship’ and let the police remove the bum for 20 years.
  • Get yourself a labrador to guard the house. It will annoy the bum all night by licking his face, forcing him to move on.
  • Give the bum a teenager’s mobile phone for the night. The constant beeping as new text messages arrive will drive him away.
  • Give the bum permission to stay, provide him with a TV and ask for only one thing: a blow by blow description of what happens over-night in the Big Brother house. He’ll be gone by 10 pm.
  • Charge the bum rent.
  • Auction the bum on eBay.
  • Scare the bum away by hanging a crucifix in your window with a sign “Sinners Welcome”
  • Allow the bum to stay only if he accompanies you to Scooby Doo the Movie first.
  • Go and live on the bum’s doorstep and see if he likes it.

Tags > , , , , , , , ,

How To Keep Bums From Sleeping On Your Doorstep