This is the type of vagrant you would actually quite like to have on your steps.
Have you noticed how the 21st Century seems to have a lot more beggars. In theory, right wing governments and rational economic theories were supposed to abolish poverty. This was largely by cutting support for the poor and outlawing the concept.
It doesn’t seem to have worked.
Recently, while strolling into a classy department store to buy a new set of satin sheets, a man with a beard and a lack of familiarity with the concept of soap had the temerity to ask me if I had any spare change.
Spare change! Hasn’t he heard of credit cards? I haven’t seen actual cash in years.
There’s nothing that brings property prices down so much as the homeless camping on your door step.
This month, in an attempt to help our more well-to-do readers, GORSKYS.COMedy looks at cheap and effective steps you can take to stop bums from sleeping on your doorstep.
- Offer the bum a dollar to sleep on your neighbour’s doorstep.
- Stop putting out a bottle of whiskey for the milkman. This often attracts bums.
- Camp out on your own doorstep. When the bum arrives, tell him there’s no room.
- Eliminate your doorstep by installing a street-front lift
- Bums are notoriously fussy. Install heated doorsteps, but ensure they are just a little too warm for comfort.
- Engage a delightful local child to ask the bum for 20 cents to buy an ice cream. Since kids are impossible to resist, the bum will have to surrender his day’s earnings. After a few days, he will realise that this is not a profitable area, and move on.
- Engage a delightful local child to befriend the bum. Spread rumours about their ‘friendship’ and let the police remove the bum for 20 years.
- Get yourself a labrador to guard the house. It will annoy the bum all night by licking his face, forcing him to move on.
- Give the bum a teenager’s mobile phone for the night. The constant beeping as new text messages arrive will drive him away.
- Give the bum permission to stay, provide him with a TV and ask for only one thing: a blow by blow description of what happens over-night in the Big Brother house. He’ll be gone by 10 pm.
- Charge the bum rent.
- Auction the bum on eBay.
- Scare the bum away by hanging a crucifix in your window with a sign “Sinners Welcome”
- Allow the bum to stay only if he accompanies you to Scooby Doo the Movie first.
- Go and live on the bum’s doorstep and see if he likes it.
Invite him in. It will get him off your doorstep.
Sit down next to him and tell him about your contagious disease
Put the trash cans next to him and whilst he’s asleep put him in a bin bag. The trash man will hopefully dispose of him.
When he’s asleep, dress him in a smart suit and briefcase, wake him suddenly and tell him hes late for work. In the confusion he will run to catch a bus (maybe).
Buy at tank of helium, keep filling balloons with it then tie them to him, eventually he will just float away.
Install a catapault under the front step. You see the bum, pull the lever, and he’ll land a block away, hopefully in something soft.
Just move in a house without a doorstep! (So I’m practical, whats wrong with that)
Paint your doorstep so it looks like a giant, hungry mouth. (Warning: This may not only scare everyone else away but it might bring Mulder and Scully down on you too.)
Two words: land mines.
Hire an anti-bum Task force, order them to shoot to kill any suspected bums. Hey, the FBI has one, shouldn’t you?
Put a sign on your door saying: “Job Vacancy, queue here”
Tell him that “In old county we have bums too, we take them out in to feild and we shoot them…. then we have party!”.
Tie your little sister up to a pole outside next to it (the bum) and tell the bum he can keep it as long as he stays.
Tell the bum the local bar is giving away free booze he’ll be off like a flash
Tell him the local fast food joint is giving away a free lifetime’s supply of scraps
Light the bum a small fire to keep him warm. Then invite the local scouts around for a sing-a-long. This should frighten any bum away, it sure would frighten me!
Lay a trail of coins leading to the local garbage dump
Dress him up like someone from china and don’t give him a visa
Make him watch The Wizard of Oz
Dress him up like an Iraqi, George Bush will do the rest.
Chain him down when he’s asleep and put a price on him saying “For Sale $15,000.” Robbers will take care of the rest.
Use a chainsaw to the head – it could be Osama!
Pee in water ballons and drop them on his head from the window above. This has always worked for me in the past.
Offer them $5 to let you kick there ass of your doorstep!
1. cut metal plate to size of doorstep
2. Connect plate up to mains
3. Switch on mains. Let the miracle of science do the rest
I talk to them about how We stop spam here at http://www.sortedemail.com .
while he is sleeping, put fake tattoos on him, and pen his face. Believe me it works, weve tryed it!
Set a trap in the doorstep so that when the bum steps on it, the doorstep falls down and he falls into a box… which I’m sure he will feel at home in. Then wrap the box up and mail him to France.
Paint your steps white while the bum is asleep, taking care to paint over the bum as well. Hey presto, clean white stairs, and a ‘marble sculpture’ of a dead bum, to boot.
Download the EU constitution off the internet (only works if you have broadband and about three weeks to spare) then read it to him. He should fall asleep after the first paragraph (if you don’t fall asleep first!!). Whilst he’s asleep remove him from your doorstep.