Mixing guns and party drugs is a great way to make a lasting impression in a job interview.
You know the drill. About six million other people have also applied for the job. They’re all better qualified. They all have more experience.
But you’ve got one thing they haven’t. You’ve got the great advice of GORSKYS.COMedy.
This month, we give you tips on how to stand out from the pack, and secure the job of your dreams.
- Be the stand out candidate: go for jobs you’re insanely over-qualified for. got a PhD? McDonald’s is hiring.
- A purple lycra body suit is a guarantee to be noticed. (Except if you’re the Phantom, in which case it’s a great way to move through the jungle without being seen, weirdly).
- Try to avoid taking LSD immediately prior to the interview, unless you like being asked a lot of questions by a three-headed dragon.
- When asked “how much money are you seeking?”, respond with “None. I’m looking on this as a hobby.”
- “When can you start?” deserves the answer “I can start whenever you want, but I’ll be robbing you before 10:00″.
- Ask questions about your prospective employer. “Do you have a health plan?” is good. “Is the babe on reception into bondage?” is not.
- Ensure a job offer by holding your interviewer hostage.
- Use positive language to describe your flaws. “I watch 16 hours of TV a day” becomes “I am an amateur TV reviewer”.
- Saying “yes” to a glass of water is OK. “Yes” to a whiskey is not.
- Keep your pants on.
- It is pointless to douse yourself in kerosene and threaten to light the match unless you get the job. Smoking is no longer allowed inside public buildings.
- To really stand out, answer all questions in mime.
- It’s hard for an interviewer to forget a candidate who can lick their own ears.
- It is overly presumptuous to “mark your territory” by urinating into the pot plants on a first interview.
- What better way to make a great impression than riding into the interview room on a black stallion.
- What worse way than to stagger into the interview being ridden by a black stallion.
- It’s OK to be a little nervous. It’s not OK to pee your pants.
- If you chew gum, remember to bring some for everyone.
If interview goes really badly and the interviewer asks ‘Do you have any questions for us?’, ask ‘Can I pee in you pocket?’
Start masturbating. A good opportunity to see if the panel is uncomfortable watching you have a wank.
Remember to excuse yourself if you fart. Good manners is the key.
When asked, “Why do you need this job?” reply “Because I don’t have a rich husband.”
When they ask “Are you a convicted villan?” say “No, but I will be by 10 tomorrow.”
When the interviewer asks you, “Do you think you will be an ‘asset’ to this company?”, answer with “Well sorta sir. Just two letters off.”
When asked what ideas you have to improve morale, suggest Pantless Thursdays.
Use Phillip Ruddock as a referee. Apologise when they ring the number and get a guy called "Rod." Suggest that, with his busy lifestyle, he must’ve moved without notice. If they query you further, ask them if they’ve ever spent time in a detention centre?
Wear a large pink triangle badge, mention that you hate discrimination and will sue the next arse who doesnt hire you simply cause you are gay. Be prepared to prove it.
Twitch during the entire interview, then if things go wrong, threaten them with "employment equity laws".
I once had a guy come in for an interview and he was half an hour late. When I asked him why he was late he said "When I was pulling into the driveway I farted and shit myself and had to go home and change". I hired him on the spot. You can’t beat honesty like that.
When asked by the interviewer what I thought of his tie I informed him that "It looked as though your neck threw up down the front of you!" Even after that I still got the bloody job!
Black up and pretend to be blind. I am now an executive member on the board of Nestle.
On being asked for a good suggestion for the interviewers company, suggest that they hire you.
At the crux of the interview, produce a rubber chicken from your trousers "to answer all technical questions" for you. If you have no PVC chickens just cover your genitals with self rasing flour (not wholemeal) and swing them wildly about. In fact try this even when not at an interview. Its fun.
When finally asked to sign on the dotted line, be sure to decline the offer of a pen they have touched with their filthy germ infested hands.
When asked what skills you posses, tell them your great at bonking. Then take off the rest of your clothes.
I got my a job by wearing tight black trousers with a very naughty black thong to the interview. When asked how I would calm someone down, I ‘accidently’ dropped some paper I was holding, bent to pick it up (flashing the back of my thongs) and I said ‘I’d give ‘em a cheeky smile, and ask what I could do to help!’ I got the job, and I have used this method a few times. Works like at charm!
Remember when explaining about life experiences, leave out the 60s and 70s and start at the mid eighties to be safe.
When hiring a receptionist, one candidate come back with "Bloody oath yer". Not a great look for a greeting clients role.
When asked a hypothetical technical question, we had a candidate come back with "Why would I want to do that anyway? I wouldn’t do that, I’d use this program I’ve got. This is stupid." He then refused to answer, so we refused to hire him.
When asked "where do you see yourself in five years time?" don’t say "in a mirror"
Don’t giggle like a school girl every time one of your interviewers mentions the words, "job", "entry" or " position".
Pretend you’re the one giving the interview, if you don’t get a job, then they won’t get one either.
If you don’t know the answer to a question at the interview ask the interviewer "Who thought of these dumb idea’s for these questions anyway?"
Give a gift to the interviewer.
Good Examples: Candy, Flowers, Gift bags.
Bad Examples: Handcuffs, subpoena, or a positive drug test result.
Interviewers love workers with vision. End every sentence with "and so it has been fortold in the prophesies."
If the interview is going badly and you’re in an office high-rise, ask the interviewer if any windows on the floor open to the outside. When the interviewer asks why, stare off into space and reply "Oh, no reason."
Have references. Do not have ‘dear old Albert’, aka you with an old-man voice singing your praises. They may wish to meet and/or speak to them while you are in the same room.
Think ahead. Just in case your first interview goes bad, tell the person interviewing you that you have an identical twin. …or you’re a triplet.