How To Ace Job Interviews

January 1st, 2001

Guns and Party Drugs.

Mixing guns and party drugs is a great way to make a lasting impression in a job interview.

You know the drill. About six million other people have also applied for the job. They’re all better qualified. They all have more experience.

But you’ve got one thing they haven’t. You’ve got the great advice of GORSKYS.COMedy.

This month, we give you tips on how to stand out from the pack, and secure the job of your dreams.

  • Be the stand out candidate: go for jobs you’re insanely over-qualified for. got a PhD? McDonald’s is hiring.
  • A purple lycra body suit is a guarantee to be noticed. (Except if you’re the Phantom, in which case it’s a great way to move through the jungle without being seen, weirdly).
  • Try to avoid taking LSD immediately prior to the interview, unless you like being asked a lot of questions by a three-headed dragon.
  • When asked “how much money are you seeking?”, respond with “None. I’m looking on this as a hobby.”
  • “When can you start?” deserves the answer “I can start whenever you want, but I’ll be robbing you before 10:00″.
  • Ask questions about your prospective employer. “Do you have a health plan?” is good. “Is the babe on reception into bondage?” is not.
  • Ensure a job offer by holding your interviewer hostage.
  • Use positive language to describe your flaws. “I watch 16 hours of TV a day” becomes “I am an amateur TV reviewer”.
  • Saying “yes” to a glass of water is OK. “Yes” to a whiskey is not.
  • Keep your pants on.
  • It is pointless to douse yourself in kerosene and threaten to light the match unless you get the job. Smoking is no longer allowed inside public buildings.
  • To really stand out, answer all questions in mime.
  • It’s hard for an interviewer to forget a candidate who can lick their own ears.
  • It is overly presumptuous to “mark your territory” by urinating into the pot plants on a first interview.
  • What better way to make a great impression than riding into the interview room on a black stallion.
  • What worse way than to stagger into the interview being ridden by a black stallion.
  • It’s OK to be a little nervous. It’s not OK to pee your pants.
  • If you chew gum, remember to bring some for everyone.

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How To Ace Job Interviews

How You Do It

  1. When hiring a receptionist, one candidate come back with "Bloody oath yer". Not a great look for a greeting clients role.

    Current score: 0

    Kersti [06/01/2003]

  2. Remember when explaining about life experiences, leave out the 60s and 70s and start at the mid eighties to be safe.

    Current score: 0

    Damon Stevenson [06/01/2003]

  3. I got my a job by wearing tight black trousers with a very naughty black thong to the interview. When asked how I would calm someone down, I ‘accidently’ dropped some paper I was holding, bent to pick it up (flashing the back of my thongs) and I said ‘I’d give ‘em a cheeky smile, and ask what I could do to help!’ I got the job, and I have used this method a few times. Works like at charm!

    Current score: 0

    Joy <span class="josanswer">[Obviously you don't look as bad in women's underwear as I do - Liam] [06/01/2003]

  4. When asked what skills you posses, tell them your great at bonking. Then take off the rest of your clothes.

    Current score: 0

    Sexy Clown [06/01/2003]

  5. When finally asked to sign on the dotted line, be sure to decline the offer of a pen they have touched with their filthy germ infested hands.

    Current score: 0

    Sexy Clown [06/01/2003]

  6. At the crux of the interview, produce a rubber chicken from your trousers "to answer all technical questions" for you. If you have no PVC chickens just cover your genitals with self rasing flour (not wholemeal) and swing them wildly about. In fact try this even when not at an interview. Its fun.

    Current score: 0

    Trevor Wilson [06/01/2003]

  7. On being asked for a good suggestion for the interviewers company, suggest that they hire you.

    Current score: 0

    Jan [06/01/2003]

  8. Black up and pretend to be blind. I am now an executive member on the board of Nestle.

    Current score: 0

    Christian Azzola [06/01/2003]

  9. When asked by the interviewer what I thought of his tie I informed him that "It looked as though your neck threw up down the front of you!" Even after that I still got the bloody job!

    Current score: 0

    Clinton Schiemann [06/01/2003]

  10. Appeal to their sense of economy by pointing out that by employing you, they also get your other 70 personalities at no extra expense… Then kill everyone.

    Current score: 0

    Brian Vo [06/01/2003]

  11. Examine your priorities. Do you really want some soul-deadening nine to five job when there are literally millions to be made in the lucrative fields of product tampering, extortion and frivolous law suits?

    Current score: 0

    Grover Montage [06/01/2003]

  12. Ask the interviewer what the top speed of the company car is, and more importantly, if it is insured.

    Current score: 0

    Adam Gilbert [06/01/2003]

  13. Think ahead. Just in case your first interview goes bad, tell the person interviewing you that you have an identical twin. …or you’re a triplet.

    Current score: 0

    Johnny Casino [06/01/2003]

  14. Have references. Do not have ‘dear old Albert’, aka you with an old-man voice singing your praises. They may wish to meet and/or speak to them while you are in the same room.

    Current score: 0

    Jane M [06/01/2003]

  15. If the interview is going badly and you’re in an office high-rise, ask the interviewer if any windows on the floor open to the outside. When the interviewer asks why, stare off into space and reply "Oh, no reason."

    Current score: 0

    Rick Valentin [06/01/2003]

  16. Interviewers love workers with vision. End every sentence with "and so it has been fortold in the prophesies."

    Current score: 0

    Rick Valentin [06/01/2003]

  17. Give a gift to the interviewer.
    Good Examples: Candy, Flowers, Gift bags.
    Bad Examples: Handcuffs, subpoena, or a positive drug test result.

    Current score: 0

    Neil Hiatt [06/01/2003]

  18. If you don’t know the answer to a question at the interview ask the interviewer "Who thought of these dumb idea’s for these questions anyway?"

    Current score: 0

    Tony Hamilton [06/01/2003]

  19. Pretend you’re the one giving the interview, if you don’t get a job, then they won’t get one either.

    Current score: 0

    Katie Lollis [06/01/2003]

  20. When asked "where do you see yourself in five years time?" don’t say "in a mirror"

    Current score: 0

    Darren Stuchbery [06/01/2003]

  21. Say to the interviewer ‘I need this job to support the child I’m having with your 15 year old daughter.’ When he attacks you, demand a job from the company as a trade-off for not suing.

    Current score: 0

    Grover Montage [06/01/2003]

  22. Remember….. You did not inhale!

    Current score: 0

    Nathan Randall [06/01/2003]

  23. Wear a pair of tight pants. insert a long hard instrument into them. Add interesting inferences to the large quantites of viagra that you take.

    Current score: 0

    Dan Costie [06/01/2003]

  24. Only apply for jobs in companies run by relatives (except the parents of that cousin you were caught rooting at Nanna’s funeral)

    Current score: 0

    C Hague [06/01/2003]

  25. Do your research on the company beforehand. Reading their Annual Report is good. Stalking the person who will be interviewing you is bad.

    Current score: 0

    Lizzie [06/01/2003]

  26. Nobody can forget someone who is dressed in a chicken suit.

    Current score: 0

    Matt Parker [06/01/2003]

  27. Job interviews are frequently dull. Perk up the day of the person interviewing with frequent muttered threats to ‘burn this goddamn place to the ground’ while taking hits off a bottle of tequila.

    Current score: 0

    Grover Montage [06/01/2003]

  28. Be the son of a former boss (President of United States only)

    Current score: 0

    Grover Montage [06/01/2003]

  29. Remember- sexual harrassment isn’t just for bosses anymore.

    Current score: 0

    Grover Montage [06/01/2003]

  30. When being asked about working with people in a team environment by the HR manager after working with computers for years, I told them most people that know me recommend I should undergo some sort of therapy before working with real people again.

    This really happened! and I got the job!

    Current score: 0

    Rossco [06/01/2003]

How Do You Do It?

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