It Sucks To Be A Vampire

October 1st, 2010
vampirev1 300x270 It Sucks To Be A Vampire

No matter what you do, your Facebook profile pic is always going to be a little threatening when you're a vampire.

Count Dracula, Nosferatu, Twilights “Edward” or Bill Compton from True Blood – wherever they appear, vampires are insanely popular right now.

Maybe it all started with Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the charming Billy Idol wannabe, Spike. Or perhaps we all developed a childhood attachment to Sesame Streets’ obsessive-compulsive, “The Count”.

Whatever it is, these shadow-dwelling, blood-sucking undead creatures of the night have been romanticised to within an inch of their (un)life

Sure, there’s the immortality, the brooding, the hot girls desperate for you to give them the worlds most intense hickey, but is being a vampire all it’s cracked up to be?

We took a look at some of the practical drawbacks of vampirism.

(Thanks to James Hazelden for his additional vampiric suggestions)

  • They can only drink blood, and blood tastes like… well… it’s no Krispy Kreme donut.
  • Vampires are awake when the only thing on TV is infomercials and reruns of old made-for-tv movies.
  • There are so many nasty blood-borne diseases, vampires now have to practice “Safe Sucking” using a heavy duty dental dam.
  • Vampires sleep in coffins, which makes vampire slumber parties weird and depressing.
  • They’re at risk on the road because other drivers can’t see them in their rearview mirrors.
  • If you try to baptize a vampire you just end up melting his face off.
  • Vampires live forever, which sounds cool but it means they’ve heard every joke 3465 times at least.
  • Vampires are constantly being mistaken for members of bad emo bands.
  • If a vampire accidentally bites his tongue, his tongue turns into a tiny vampire.
  • Crosses kill vampires, so if a vampire is double-crossed, he dies twice.
  • If a vampire is exposed to the sun he turns into dust, which means now none of his clothes fit.
  • Vampires receive a lot of spam emails convincing them to buy fake tan pills.

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It Sucks To Be A Vampire  

Our readers know about vampires...

  1. It would be terrible to be a vampire…or rather a gay pixie if you’re a twilight fan

    Current score: 0

    Skittles [02/06/2011]

  2. you cant sleep…talk about bags under eyes

    Current score: 0

    The Awesome One Nesbit [25/03/2011]

  3. they cant check themselves out in the mirror

    Current score: 1

    Jordan [17/10/2010]

  4. It sucks (no pun intended) because they have to admit they’re of the same species as edward cullen.
    and they can’t say ‘it sucks’ without saying ‘no pun intended’

    Current score: 2

    Jordan [17/10/2010]

  5. You’re out on the Town, you pick up a nice chicky-babe, you bring her home, one thing leads to another, you both adjourn to the bedroom, uh oh, how are you both going to fit in that coffin? You both squeeze in there and shut the lid, the coffin is rockin so hard it topples off the slab, the shock of the fall causes you to fart, the coffin has fallen on its lid so there’s no way out, mercifully death comes quickly.

    Current score: 2

    stinkfoot [16/10/2010]

  6. Facebook status update:

    Vampire girl: woo. Another night in eternity, another night biting people. So over it. Might go sun baking tomorrow and end this pointless existence.
    (a week ago)

    (6 days ago) turns out the sun just makes me sparkle. History got it wrong. Who knew? Could have got a tan 200 years ago gonna go get my brown on!

    (2 minutes ago)
    Still white AS. This blows. I bet the silver bullet thing is wrong too. My whole death I knew who I was, and what my limitations were now everything’s changing! Who am I? I feel so vulnerable. :-( Can someone help me make sense of all this?

    Current score: 6

    Sal [06/10/2010]

  7. Sharks are the only thing that can’t kill a vampire at the beach. Everything else is fucking deadly to them.

    Current score: 1

    RyanTheGreat [06/10/2010]

  8. Since they turn into bats, they must be virtually blind with only slight vision and plenny o’ sonar detection. The sonar detection might not be so bad, but not being able to wear glasses to fix your vision… On the OTHER hand… Since they can’t reproduce…normally, no unplanned pregnancies!

    Current score: 1

    Risa [06/10/2010]

  9. They can only get shift work. Or bouncer jobs.

    Current score: 0

    Dan [12/09/2010]

  10. Vampires can only wear black. 3000 years of that might get boring after a while, just saying.

    Current score: 0

    Dan [12/09/2010]

Why do you think it would suck to be a vampire?

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