Good Things About Being Attacked By Iraq

September 1st, 2002

A gas attack from Iraq will make Darth Vader impersonations de rigeur.

US President George W Bush wants to declare war on Iraq because he suspects Saddam Hussein has been stockpiling biological, chemical and nuclear weapons.

Realistically, it’s hard to imagine anything more likely to make Saddam use his biological, chemical and nuclear weapons than being attacked, but who are we to argue with US military intelligence.

So, when George Bush gets his way, and the shooting starts, what can we hope for?

Surprisingly, there are some positive outcomes of Saddam using his weapons against us.

  • Nuclear weapons will cause massive genetic mutations amongst those in the impact zone. This means we won’t have to experiment on embryos in order to develop a new, genetically modified human
  • If Saddam bombs us with botox, we’ll all look 10 years younger.
  • Once he has used his stockpiles, there will be no need to attack him.
  • We’ll find out we’ve already been consuming biological weapons agents for years. How the hell else do you explain a McDonald’s thick shake?
  • It may force the USA to use up some of its stockpiles of biological, nuclear and chemical weapons, making the world a safer place.
  • If Saddam bombs us with mustard gas, we won’t need to buy condiments for a while.
  • Being in the blast zone of nerve gas reduces your need for Prozac.
  • Bulimics rejoice! Sarin gas makes you throw up uncontrollably.
  • The electro-magnetic pulse in a nuclear bomb will fry our CD players, meaning we won’t have to listen to Britney Spears any more.
  • If Saddam attacks us with influenza bombs, we’ll be able to call in sick, no questions asked.

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Good Things About Being Attacked By Iraq