George Bush backed a winner when he took out Public Flatulance Insurance. It pays media agencies to "lose the footage" when you giggle at your own farts during a State of the Union Address.
Life is complex and dangerous. When insurance was invented in the 17th century, you just had to worry about setting your smoking jacket on fire because you’d had a few too many nips of whiskey. The world has moved on. In the 21st century, things are more sophisticated, but the insurance industry hasn’t caught up. All they offer is the boring stuff, like House Insurance, Car Insurance, and Life Insurance.
It’s time AXA, State Farm, Zurich, Lloyd’s of London and the rest of the industry got off their lazy behinds and updated their insurance product portfolios to cover us for things we really need to guard against.
So, here is our list of insurance policies we’d like to see.
- Mortgage insurance – Why run the risk of losing your home if you can’t pay your mortgage? For a small premium, the insurance company will let you sleep on their couch.
- Pubic Liability insurance – Similar to public liability insurance, which pays out if someone is hurt on your land. Pubic liability pays out when you accidentally infect someone with crabs.
- Second Life insurance – Pays out when your Second Life avatar is accidentally deleted.
- After-life insurance – Pays out if you’re a Buddhist, and come back as a slug.
- Inferior Motor Vehicle insurance – Pays you when your car is dragged off by a 76-year-old grandmother on a walking frame.
- Mobile Phone Loser insurance – Most mobile phone policies will pay out if you lose your mobile phone. This one pays out if your friends call you a loser for having a lame ringtone.
- e-Travel insurance – Pays out whenever you can’t log on to Travelocity.
- Email insurance – We’ve all felt the feeling of loneliness when we’ve checked our email, and there are no new messages. For a small premium, the insurance company will send you an email if your inbox is empty on any day.
- Ego insurance – Pays you whenever you type your name into Google and come back with no matches.
- Credit Card insurance – Pays you $1 million whenever you actually pay off your credit cards on the due date.
- Typo insurance – Pays out when you get dumped for accidentally calling your boyfriend a “great loser” in an email, when you meant “great lover”.
- Virgin insurance – Refunds your money when you buy Richard Branson’s god-awful autobiography.
- Googlewhack insurance – Pays out whenever you get hit by your boss for spending too much time surfing the web.
- eBay insurance – When criminals break into your house, steal everything and list it for sale on eBay, this insurance will pay enough money to make sure you’re the winning bidder.
- Friday The 13th insurance – Pays out in the event that you walk under a ladder, trip over a black cat and fall head-first into a mirror.
- Cubby House insurance – Under-12s only. Pays out when the local bully burns your club house to the ground, or girls get in and leave their cooties.
- Astral Travel insurance – Pays out if you lose your earthly body while you’re floating above it.
- Pregnancy insurance – Pays out if you ever fall pregnant (available to homosexual men only).
- Get Lucky insurance – Pays for a prostitute if you’re still a virgin on your 30th birthday.
- Joke insurance – Pays out when someone steals the punchline to your joke.
- Telemarketing insurance – Pays you when you receive a call and it is a convenient time.
- Insurance insurance – The insurance companies’ desperate last bid to get every last cent out of you that they can.
Emo Insurance Pays out if you cut your wrists by accident. (Note: If you are actually emo there isn’t any point in getting this as no one will believe you cut your wrists by accident.)
Poor Joke insurance Hey, if you do not publish my stupid jokes, it pays out!!!
Electricity Insurance Pays out when someone steals your thunder.
Alzheimer’s Insurance Pays out if you forget you have insurance, I think.
Floppy Fella Insurance Pays for your Viagra in the event of needing it
Tom Cruise Insurance Pays out when the placenta of your first born child is eaten by an eccentric falling movie star.
Pride Insurance For when your Ferrari gets overtaken by a hairy trucker.
Where’s My Pillow? Movie Insurance Will reimburse the costs of the movie ticket, small popcorn and medium coke for any totally crap movie you were forced to attend and stay awake through by your partner. Claims cannot be made if you “scored” whilst in the back row of the theatre, or if you deliberately attended a chick flick type film in efforts to score later on.
Blind Date Insurance Pays out all expenses incurred for dinner, taxi etc in case you find yourself wishing you really were blind upon meeting your date. AAA rated members are also welcome to use the “Helpful Excuse SMS” system to assist in calling a date short or getting out of setting a second date.
Joke Insurance Pays out if someone steals the punchline to your&em; aaaaaah shoot&em; anyone know a good insurer?
Penis Insurance If it doesn’t live up to your wife’s requirements, they’ll respond to the next 90 days of spam, and buy the sex pills for you.
Parking insurance If you can’t find a carpark, they’ll cover the fine.
Tourette’s Disorder Insurance Covers your ass if some damm stupid bastard wants to sue you for f*cking slander or if you give some fart-faced penis head a sudden, shitty verbal mouthful from hell! Damn assholes!
Insurance Insurance When your insurance won’t help, you can be insured that you’re insured with your insurance insurance!