I Facebook, Therefore I Am

September 1st, 2010
Descartes says

Rene Descartes "likes" this article.

“Brad is eating a donut”.

Those five words have just replaced the part of my brain storing Descartes’ sublime existential observation “I think therefore I am”. The more I use Facebook, the more banal information is replacing the interesting stuff stored in my primitive cortex. “Jenny can’t wait for the weekend”. That’s great – suddenly I understand Jenny much more deeply. I feel closer to her: I also can’t wait for the weekend. If only I could remember where I’d met Jenny. Or indeed if I have ever met her. Who the hell is this Jenny, and why is the rest of her week such a write-off? And why do I need to know that?

Luckily, my friends have sent me some weird virtual plants, want me to take a quiz about 80s sitcom stars, and have voted me ‘#9 Most Likely To Go Crazy With a Gun’. Now I feel much more loved.

I should poke someone and remind them that I exist.

But without the Facebook, I am nothing. No one could invite me to their parties, gigs or bar mitzvahs. Noone could write witty insults on my wall. I would cease to exist. Luckily “I Facebook, Therefore I Am”.

Maybe you work in a call centre, or maybe you’re between lectures and can afford to waste a few hours in the zany world of social networking, but what really spooks me is that somewhere out there, there’s a genius with the potential to find a cure for cancer or reverse global warming who’s going to be discovering that “Kylie is a fan of Sleeping” instead.

So before you head off to update your status, here’s some things you could be doing instead of wasting your life on Facebook.

  • Sort your CDs by hue.
  • Count to a billion-trillion by threes.
  • Learn Klingon and teach it to children in Third World countries.
  • Start and maintain an amateur porn website for Mormons.
  • Write an iPhone application in binary code.
  • See how much water you can drink before you dissolve.
  • Reflect on the tragic life of Heath Ledger in real time.
  • Research a way to bring peace to the Middle East using puppies.
  • Give nicknames to every cell in your body.
  • Print the internet.
  • Call everyone in the world and see how much they liked Barack Obama’s acceptance speech.
  • Take a photo of yourself every day for 18 years and upload it to YouTube.
  • Calculate how many breaths you have taken since you were born.
  • Translate the Bible (Old and New Testament) into Elvish.
  • Find a happy financial advisor on Wall Street.
  • Document all the factual errors in Wikipedia.
  • Learn the names of everyone in China by heart and recite them back.
  • Sing every song ever written in the key of G as a country ballad.
  • Build a robot out of butter.

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I Facebook, Therefore I Am

Things you could be doing instead of wasting your life on Facebook...

  1. calulate the exact number of bugs, including undiscovered species.

    Current score: 1

    The Awesome One Nesbit [25/03/2011]

  2. Taking my medication to stop the senseless killing.

    Current score: 0

    stinkfoot [21/10/2010]

  3. learn the lyrics to every song in the world, then sing them through non-stop until you die

    Current score: 3

    Jordan [17/10/2010]

  4. live in real time

    Current score: 0

    jb [01/10/2010]

  5. Memorize every phone book on the planet

    Current score: 0

    CozB [11/06/2010]

  6. Memorise a dictionary.

    Then memorise every other dictionary ever published by its publisher.

    Current score: 1

    CozB [11/06/2010]

  7. Play bejeweled blitz

    Current score: 0

    Annie Senibua [27/02/2010]

  8. Run for President! Hell, If Obama can do it, We all can! Yes We Can!!!

    Current score: 1

    Your Mom [23/02/2010]

  9. Create your own rudimentary form of the internet out of dogs and string.

    Current score: 0

    Daniel Wick [23/09/2009]

  10. Go outside and follow the footsteps of Dino the Dinosour once you\’ve found them.

    Current score: 1

    Abby Mccallister [08/02/2009]

  11. Bookmark every page off the web with the word SINGLE in the title.

    Current score: 0

    Sal Simpson [03/02/2009]

  12. Learn the ancient art of Numphangfucin.

    Current score: 2

    Once upon a time [01/02/2009]

  13. Count the number of individual hairs each of your arms.

    Current score: 1

    Once upon a time [01/02/2009]

  14. fear of a milk mustache

    Current score: 0

    taylor bizdeer [30/01/2009]

  15. fear of a tooth paste mustache

    Current score: 0

    taylor bizdeer [30/01/2009]

  16. Support the war in Iraq

    Current score: 0

    The When [24/01/2009]

  17. Learn about ‘scientology’

    Current score: 0

    The When [24/01/2009]

  18. Focus in on one pixel of your computer screen and wait for it to die.

    Current score: 4

    The When [24/01/2009]

  19. NOT use facebook.

    …then, I suppose, you could sit and come up with a list of better things to do…

    Current score: 4

    CozB [21/01/2009]

  20. Spend more time on Gorskys…I’m a kiss arse!

    Current score: 2

    Patrick Coyle [11/01/2009]

  21. Open the curtains, step out the front door and see how the world has progressed over the past decade.

    Current score: 3

    Patrick Coyle [09/01/2009]

  22. Re-visit my out dated MySpace page.

    Current score: 3

    Patrick Coyle [09/01/2009]

  23. Actually do some work. My boss would be very appreciative.

    Current score: 3

    Patrick Coyle [08/01/2009]

  24. Create and decipher a code to the bible that is far less interesting than The DaVinci Code, but three times more worthy of draining whatever’s left of Tom Hanks’ acting talent.

    Current score: 1

    Ryan The Great [07/01/2009]

  25. Try to eat your own face

    Current score: 6

    steph porrino [06/01/2009]

Other than Facebook activities, what would you do if you didn't have to update your status?

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