How To Chuck A Sickie

December 1st, 1999
Sword swallower with four swords

This man is about to call in sick with a sore throat.

Calling work and saying you’re sick when you aren’t is one of the true joys of modern life. When it’s all getting too much, there’s nothing better than having a “mental health day”.

Obviously, we’ve all got the 10 minute window of opportunity each morning just after we get up, when we sound dreadful and could convince anyone we were at death’s door.

But what happens if the boss isn’t in during those vital 10 minutes? Or if she’s getting suspicious that you’re ill every time the sun shines?

This month, we offer some great tips on how to avoid suspicion, keep your job and still get the day off.

  • Lie on the bed with your head hanging off it. All the blood and mucus rushes to your head, making you sound clogged. The weight of your head constricts your throat, making you sound in pain.
  • Drink a bottle of Scotch the night before. You’re hangover will make you sound appallingly ill, and probably actually make you unfit for work.
  • Call in sick two days in a row. This will help throw off suspicion. Don’t return to work tanned.
  • When the boss says “You don’t sound ill”, ask him what medical training he has. Seriously, doctors don’t just give you pills based on how croaky your voice is. They like to have a look first and feel your glands and take your temperature.
  • When your boss says “You don’t sound ill”, claim you’ve broken your arm. Put it in a sling when you return to work.
  • Break your arm.
  • Take a crap, and have a good look before you flush. Call work, and when the boss asks you what’s wrong, describe what you saw. Even if it isn’t too revolting, the fact you’re prepared to discuss it makes you a person he won’t want to see for a while.
  • Swallowing razor blades will definitely help you to sound raspy.
  • Stick a scrunched up tissue up each nostril to help make you sound blocked.
  • To sound really congested, squeeze a tube of “No More Gaps” up each nostril. (Warning: Not recommended for smokers, possible nasal combustion dangers.)

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How To Chuck A Sickie

Your Suggestions

  1. If your boss is on facebook, the night before put up statuses like ‘l dont feel too well’ or ‘man did that mexican play up on me’ … And just hope your friends dont post anything about what you really did on your day off.

    Current score: 0

    Bort [31/01/2011]

  2. For one or two days before hand, don\’t drink any liquid. You will notice an intensely painful headache building up. Then, once the headache is at its worst, and you are NOT thirsty any more, drink a litre of water all at once. Then enjoy the sickening feeling as your body rejects the sudden influx of water and pushes it, and anything else you have eaten that day, out of your mouth. Do this in front of parents or in the bathrooms at work. Nothing beats the real thing.

    Current score: 0

    hugh hugh! [22/03/2010]

  3. Sleep with ur boss. . . he wiill never question ur days of again!!

    Current score: 0

    Luciee Mayers [31/07/2008]

  4. Always pull a sickie on payday. (Doesn\’t work particularly well if you get paid by direct debit). For everyone else it removes suspision, who in their right mind wants to wait an extra day for their cash.

    Current score: 0

    Steve Gibson [30/07/2008]

  5. It was summer when I did this and I really wanted to go to the beach, all my friends are there and I was at work…I placed a clove of garlic under my armpits and in 15 minutes my temperature went sky high! I asked my boss if I can go home – she felt my head and immediately called a cab! I was at the beach rubbing sand on my armpits in an hour!

    Current score: 1

    jo doe [30/07/2008]

  6. Have sex with you female co-worker In front of the boss! 2some!

    Current score: 0

    Osvaldo Curas [26/02/2008]

  7. if you workin catering get a plastic cup. add cut up pieces of chicken, milk and a drop of coca cola. walk past your boss whilst holding your stomach, take a sip of the mixture and spit it out of your mouth with a sick sound. Trust me it works everytime.

    Current score: 0

    John Pratt [03/01/2008]

  8. my forty year old boss once had her mother ring

    Current score: 0

    girl female [07/10/2006]

  9. Jail!

    Current score: 0

    Osvaldo Curas [26/09/2005]

  10. I’m a bit of an electronics nut, and I found out a great way to sound sick is to use one of those cheap kits you get from Dick Smith Electronics that make your voice sound like Darth Vader’s. Turn it down so the guy on the other end can hear your modified voice and your sick sounding (real) voice. The combination is unbeatable!

    Current score: 0

    James D [20/05/2005]

  11. Rub your eyes a lot the night before and say your doctor says that you have pink-eye.

    Current score: 1

    erin carroll [27/01/2005]

  12. If you missed the ‘just woken up’ voice, you have another option if you’re one of the lucky few afflicted with allergies. Go grab a cat, or whatever you’re allergic to, stuff your face into it’s fur and breathe deeply. Shortly you should be short of breath, stuffy, and actually feeling like crap, let alone just sounding like it. Enjoy.

    Current score: 1

    sniffles [15/12/2003]

  13. Call in the very second you open you eyes in the morning. Personally I have a very obvious ” i just woke up voice” which is often confused for the “i feel like shit” voice…pearler!

    Current score: 0

    Natalie G [27/11/2003]

Do you have a sure-fire way of calling in sick?