Synchronised Bubble Bath is one of the hottest sports in the 2000 Olympics
It’s not long until the elite athletes of the world meet in Sydney to make the rest of us feel like lazy, under-achieving slobs. But there’s no need to feel inadequate.
There are many sporting events you can stage in your own home during the really dull bits of the Olympic coverage. Here are some suggestions.
- Amateur Wrestling – Very popular amongst the under sixes, this is still a game for all ages. Competitors begin at opposite corners of the ‘ring’ (ideally Mum and Dad’s bed) then jump at each other and roll around gleefully until someone pokes out an eye and it all ends in tears, or a bed spring snaps.
- 30 Second Toilet Dash – During a commercial break, competitors must race from the loungeroom to the bathroom, relieve themselves and make it back to their seat.
- 30 Second Toilet Relay – During a commercial break, the entire household must take turns to race from the loungeroom to the bathroom and back. Use an old toilet roll as the baton, not the roll currently in use in the bathroom.
- Laundry Triathlon – Competitors must complete the following sports within one particularly dull segment of the equestrian events:
1.  Press a pair of trousers
2.  Iron three shirts
3.  Fold the undies.
Additional bonus points are awarded for starching. - Round the House 400 Metre Sprint – One of the toughest Home Olympic events. Competitors must sprint around the outside of the house as fast as they can.
- Round the House 400 Metre Hurdles – For houses with a fence separating the front and back yards.
- Around The Block Marathon – 100 laps of your block. Additional points for running backwards.
- Broomstick Javelin Toss – Competitors must hurl a broom as far as they can. Throw is measured to where the broom head lands.
- Hammer Throw – Self explanatory. Broken windows means immediate disqualification, and often signals the start of the Round the Block Marathon.
- Synchronised Trampolining – The newest sport in the Olympics. First competitor to touch Mum and Dad’s ceiling wins. Extra points for touching the ceiling with your feet.
- The Clutch and Grab – Competitors must drink six cans of beer, then watch the swimming or diving until their bladder can take it no longer. Competitors then clutch and grab their genitals in an effort to stop an accident, whilst hobbling to the bathroom in agony. The funniest walk wins.
- Arm Curl Weight Lifting – Particularly popular while watching the “clean and jerk”. Competitors must place an arm on the armchair rest and lift a beer can repeatedly to their lips until the can is empty. The weight of all cans consumed during the day is totalled and the most weight wins. Note for international readers: 10% bonus weight for using Australian beer.
- Synchronised Bubble Bath – Competitors perform artistic underwater ballet in the bath. Additional points are awarded for staying under the water until you turn blue, creating a ‘tidal wave’ that empties the bath onto the floor, and creating bubbles without the aid of bubble bath.
- Indoor Ruler-Hockey – This event is played by two teams of three. Rulers are user instead of hockey sticks, and an old tennis ball makes an excellent stand in for the hockey ball. Players compete on hands and knees. Goals at one end should be the old fireplace, at the other end, the TV. The object of the game is to hit the ball into your opponents goal. A bonus is paid for breaking the TV, which often also signifies the start of the Round the Block Marathon. This game has long been a favourite in my house. Rules on out of bounds, tackling, etc are invented at the whim of the oldest player, and apply on a “from now on…” basis.
- High Diving – Stand on top of your wardrobe and jump onto your bed. Points are awarded for somersaults, pikes, twists, and actually landing on the bed.
- Discus – How far can you throw your dinner plates?
- High Jump – Competitors must attempt to clear the back fence from a five metre run up. Note: it’s a good idea to make sure your landing pad is not the neighbour’s vicious pit bull.
- Out Of Milk 1000 Metre Dash – On the starting signal “Oh, no! We’re out of milk!” competitors must race to the nearest shop, buy a carton and run home. First to place their carton in the fridge wins. Bonus for paying for the milk.
- Fencing – Old tennis racquets or brooms are used to duel. Competitors get points for every contact with their opponents body. Game continues until someone loses an eye or it all ends in tears.
- Long Jump – How far can you jump down your concrete or gravel drive without needing to go to hospital?
- Opening Ceremony Re-enactment - Although not officially a sport, this is a great excuse to jump into your Mum’s favourite frock, and dance around the house singing “I Will Survive”.
Let the Games begin.
Olympic Events For Around The Home
Remote Control Relay Turn the TV to Play School or The Teletubbies, when Dad is trying to watch the news/olympics, then grab the remote control and run, passing it to whoever you can, until the one Dad catches get’s the beating. Can also be played using the last beer in the fridge (or even sherry bottle if you wish to test yourself against Mum).
Kitchen Gymnastics Use the space between the kitchen bench and the kitchen counter as a substitute for the parallel bars. Swing as high as you can without having your hands slip off the counter. Bonus points for the dismount on to the sink.
Marathon farting Played by two or more, although the more, the (ahem) merrier. The one still tooting last is declared the winner. the winer can also be declared by default if all others are rendered unconcious by the stench.
Sudden Piffing Targets could be anything from an open window to Grandma. The projectiles could be anything from a piece of popcorn to the TV. No structure. No rules. The way it should be.
Water-Balloon Duelling Opponents start 2.0 meters apart, each holding a balloon containing 1.0 liters of water. At the whistle they toss the balloons to each other and then take a step back. The dry player wins. If played indoors the awards ceremony will be held after the around the block marathon.
Synchronised Commentary An event performed in pairs where those watching compete against each other in commentating the current event. You need an impartial judge – usually Mum as she would probably just think you’re all being terribly silly. In giving the score a high degree of difficulty must be given for adding obscure facts, 4 syllable words, and unheard of cliches, metaphors and similes. High marks must also be given for the way the competing pair work together in their commentating. Roy and H.G. and Bruce will be hard to top!!!
Amateur Judo Played in the lounge room. The aim of this is much like the original game only kicking, scratching, bitting and telling mum is allowed. The winner is the player who makes the other cry or the one who runs away leaving the other person to be found in a messy lounge room by mum. The prise is a choice of one of the following; the couch, TV, playstaion or a meal made by the losers.
(Don’t forget the loser always cleans up!!!)
Eight Hour Fridge Raid Whoever can come closest to emptying the fridge in eight hours without puking or dying wins.
Pant Throw Standing at a distace of 10m see who can get there pants into a laundry basket…
Extra points for type of pants used…
Hallway Skating This is almost criminally missing from the event program. One of the simplest sports, yet with a high degree of skill to compete at ‘friends house standard’ The basic requirment for competition is shiny floor surface;(ie polished floorboards, cork,slate tiles) and a pair of socks. The event has three disiplines: Speed Skate( fastest down the hall and back); Cross country (through ajoining rooms ); and freestyle, which is a chance to show off your trick moves and spins. (Watch out for mums, vases and pot-pouri). Winner is the person who falls over least and has no holes in there socks.
Free-style Post Xmas Dash Contestants all bolt when the time comes to dismantle x-mas decorations. The winner is the one who isn’t caught
Toaster Diving Competitors race to fish out a piece of toast that has become lodged in a toaster. Electrocution results in disqualification, bonus for intesting burns.
7:59 Gauntlet Both competitors must run for the bus (ideally as it is pulling away from the bustop) while trying to stop the other competitor from reaching the bus. Throwing of schoolbags is allowed, but you loose points if you dont have your bag with you when you board the bus.
Bonus points are awarded if you get the back seat and wave to the remaining competitors
50m crawl Competitors must drink a 40 oz bottle of anysort of liquer (must be over 35%. Then when one needs to releave themselves they must make it to the washroom without regurgitating on the floor! If there is any regurgitation it will then begin the Parental Pain contest!
Long Distance Peeing Competitors must pee from diffrent distances (5m, 10m 15m, etc.) Start at 5m and work your way back. Extra points awarded for actually hitting the bowl. The use of an erection for extra distance is considered cheating and will result in immediat disqualification!
Pass the cat Reminisent of Rex Mossips pass the ball competition of years past. Competitors take turns at hurling the cat across the lounge room into the single lounge chair. Points awarded 10 for in the chair, 5 for hitting the arms, 3 points for glancing the back of the chair then into the wall, no points for the cat hitting the wall. Bonus points awarded for catching the cat in the early rounds (Its easy later in the game). After 5 rounds points are tallied up – loser has to pay vets bill if parents discover the cause of the cats injuries. Post event points given for the best creative story explaining the scratch marks on your arms.
The Grand National The old favourite – get bladdered with a few pals then race each other through your neighbours front gardens jumping all the fences between. The neighbours can get a sweepstake together too!
Dog Racing You and you sibling hop on the coffee table when your dog is wound up and it isn’t looking jump down and run around the house and get back on the coffee table without being attacked. once you are on your siblig has to leave to run. extra points if your sibling is attacked.
Rooftop slalom Listen avidly to the weather forcast. When they say it will be frosty, or snowy, liberally douse your roof with water, making things very slippy. Fasion some ski’s from a disused pallet, tie to feet securely with old leather belts, drink a bottle of vodka and settle back whilst the roof freezes. (-13 degrees would be perfect)put a nice jumpsuit on over a wooly jumper, obtain two sink plugers, attach to two broomstick handles. Get on roof. get some one to shout ‘BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BOOOP!’ and slide off the roof, trying to land in the coveted ‘TELEMARK’ position. points are earned if the competitor doesnt die. Bonus points for not bleeding on the grass.
Stairway Bob-Sledding go down the stairs in a toboggan the one who makes it out with the least amount of injuries
Fruit-Fest see how many of each fruit can fit into your mouth at one time….great to try with grapes, cherries, hey why not try a watermelon!
Sofa Endurance The idea is simple, the competitors take their places upon a sofa, and the competitor who stays on the sofa for the longest time wins. Violence is not allowed, although bodily flatulance is positively encouraged. Bonus points for dischage of bodily waste materials while remaining on the sofa!!!
Lounge Zero-Gravity The first competitor to make it all the way round the lounge without touching the floor with any body part is the winner. Violence is not just encouraged, it is essential! Bonus points for doing it nude!
Pinata Kung-Fu Blindfold a random guest and stuff his/her duct-taped body with pounds of candy! Give 5 other guests a plastic baseball bat each. Just think of all the steam everyone will let off beating the hell out of “human pinata”; not to mention the winner that gets 58 Milky Way bars.
Peanut catch Players take it in turns to continually throw peanuts (or any other small edible object) in to the air and catch it in their mouth. Players get extra points for choking, without dying.
Fluffy bunny You have to put one marshmallow in your mouth and say ‘fluffy bunny’ and see how many marshmallows you can fit in your mouth without swallowing and without throwing up.
Laundry basket hurdles Set up two rows of laundry baskets. On “GO!” have the competetors jump over all the baskets and the first one to the end wins.
Around the Block Sprint Go to your neighbour’s house, jump on their vicious pet, open the gate and RUN LIKE HELL.
50m Frestyle You have to fill up your bath and first person to get water all over the floor wins
White Bread Eating The contestants (any number) each get two slices of plain white sandwich bread. At the start signal, each contestant must eat and swallow their bread without anything to drink. The first one done wins. Sounds easy? Try it!