Liam tells J.K. Rowling about his great idea
J.K. Rowling has finally released the fifth Harry Potter book, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.
It’s about time. At the rate she’s churning them out, her youngest fans will be almost 20 by the time the seventh (and supposedly final) book is written.
This is, of course, because Rowling had a very bad case of writer’s block while writing Order of the Phoenix. Without being able to think of ideas, she couldn’t write a book.
This month, we suggest some great ideas for the next instalment Harry Potter series.
- Harry Potter and the Terrible Headache – After years of flashing pains in the head, Harry’s doctor discovers the pain isn’t caused by his scar, but a malignant brain tumour.
- Harry Potter and the Copyright Lawyer – Harry Potter sues J.K. Rowling for unauthorised use of this life story.
- Harry Potter and the Order of Fries – Harry gets a job at McDonalds.
- Harry Potter and the Sorcerer Get Stoned – Harry discovers marijuana.
- Harry Potter and the Road Map To Peace – Harry’s magic powers encounter something even he can’t fix: Palestinian and Jewish stubbornness.
- Harry Potter and the Year Not Much Happened – In a striking turn of events, Voldemort takes a year out from planning world domination, and has a holiday to Majorca, leaving Harry with not much to do.
- Harry Potter and the Hobbit – Desperate for something to do, Harry reads a fantasy classic aloud to Ron.
- Harry Potter and the Pregnancy Scare – Ron and Hermione have a close shave.
- Harry Potter and the Order of Whiskey – Harry realises magic scars aren’t the only thing that can make your head hurt.
- Harry Potter and the Years of Therapy – Harry takes a while to recover after walking in on Dumbledore in a hot, steamy session with Dobby.
- Harry Potter and Friends On Ice – Towards the end of the franchise, the money-making attempts go decidedly down-market.
- Harry Potter and the Dark Secret – Proving that Dumbledore is driven by the same lustful urges as any man, he and Harry share moments of pleasure, and a dark secret.
- Harry Potter and the Crossover – Harry Potter teams up with the girls from Charmed to defeat Lord Vader.
- Harry Potter and the Enormous Bill – Harry discovers that his education at Hogwarts wasn’t covered by his inheritance after all. Notable excerpts include applying for a bank loan, cleaning windshields at the intersection of Diagon Alley, and making monthly repayments.
- Harry Potter and the Deluge of Spam – Harry goes online and discovers not even magic can stop spammers.
Harry Potter and the Ingrown Toenail Harry must conduct war with an enchanted Ingrown toenail that starts out small and irritating, and then slowly grows to the size of the Quidditch pitch.
Harry Potter: Uncut JK Rowling will reveal the real meaning of her novel series by republishing each and every book, with the word ‘wand’ modified into ‘wang’. “This wang is just like your father’s.” “Hold your wang firmly.”
Harry Potter and the Ass-bandit of Azkaban Basically this all winds down to Harry being taken up the wrong’en!
Harry Potter: Episode IV – A New Hope Harry leaves his sandy desert home to join up with the Rebel Alliance in the fight against the Empire.
Harry Potter Episode VI : The Voldemort Strikes Back Harry Potter finds out that Voldemort is his Father. A fragment:
Voldemort: “Dumbledoure never told you what happened to your father.”
Harry: “He told me enough. He told me you killed him.”
Voldemort: “No. I am your father.”
Harry: “No. That’s not true. That’s impossible.”
Voldemort: “Search your feelings you know it to be true.”
Harry: “Nooooo. Noooo. Noo.. ehum.. sorry… Noooooo… Can I stop saying’ Nooooooo…?”
Harry Potter and the Very New Testament- JK Rowling just gives in to the contoversy and rewrites the Bible, but she replaces Jesus’ name with Harry’s and inserts the other characters names occasionally. (This book is 63 pages shorter than the Order of the phoenix)
CSI: Hogwarts Harry teams up with the CSI crew to say corny comments, tough talk dead guys, solve the case & then say some more corny comments.
Harry Potter and the Crossover From Hell Harry’s seventh year class trip includes a pit stop in ancient Anatolia, where they he teams up with both Xena (warrior princess) and Lara Croft (Tomb Raider), who have been frozen in ice for years. 900 pages of seemingly random interactions, before the climatic ending, wherein Lara and Xena take off their tops, causing Harry and Voldemort to faint from shock. Then Xena sacrifices both to the heathen gods while Lara photographs!
Harry Potter and the Magicians of The Century Harry Potter goes to Las Vegas (the books are set in the 1990’s) and teams up with Siegfried and Roy for a new show.
Harry Potter and the writers block 900 pages of nothing, except Hermione posing nude.
Harry Potter and the 50. caliber armor peircing round Voldemort hires a sniper and totally, without the aid of magic, removes Harry’s head from his shoulders
Harry Potter and the Public Education Department
An inspector goes to Hogwarts and complains about the curriculum.
Harry Potter meets the Blair Witch Project Harry makes a wrong turn in Diagon Alley and ends up at 10 Downing Street, where the surprised cross-dressing Prime Minister, in full hag-drag regalia, pummels the young wizard unconcious with a broom.
Harry Potter and the Cosmetic Surgery Harry Potter gets beauty conscious and tries all possible spells to remove his scar. Finally he gives up and goes for plastic surgery.
Harry Potter and the Most Boring Book in the World The entire book is blank just empty pages because J.K. Rowling has no idea what to write. This way everone can make up there own ending and everyone will be happy.
Harry Potter and Wacko Jacko Harry Potter sues Michael Jackson for molesting Ron and not letting Harry join in.
Harry Potter Fals Off a Cliff The title speaks for itself with 23,768,497,958,707,958,608,968,708,009,090,909 page of Harry falling and 12,949,786,869,789,685,979,886,979,868,780,686 of him dead
Harry Potter and the Cupboard Under the Stairs Aunt Petunia loses the key for the cupboard under the stairs and Harry spends a year eating rats and talking to his imaginary friend Ralph.
Harry Potter and the Day Ginny Went Ape-shit Ginny goes mad and straps Harry to a bed and breaks his ankles after he admits he loves Hermione. Look out for the sequel Harry Potter and the Day Ginny Went Ape-shit at Hermione.
Harry Potter and SPEW Harry and Ron create the Society for People Eating Whipped-Cream. SPEW is an appropriate name because they spend a year throwing up.
Harry Potter and the Potty of Doom Harry realises he is actually a baby and begins potty training
Harry Potter and The Exciting Summer Period The first book not to start with five snore-inducing chapters about the summer holiday period.
Harry Potter and the EU Constitution Harry discovers that there is something even longer and more likely to make you fall asleep than one of his books.
Harry Potter and the Weakest Link Harry, Ron, Hermione, Neville, Malfoy, Crabbe, Goyle, Hagrid and Professor Dumbledore go on the Weakest Link and Hermione wins because she’s a know it all bitch.
Harry Potter and the Reflection of Horror Harry finds the mirror of Erised and sees himself molesting Ron. What does this mean?
Harry Potter and the Sex Education Lesson Harry’s class have a sex education lesson and Hermione seems to know a lot about it. A little too much in fact.
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Bone A soft core porn film in which Harry reveals the true magic of his wand to Hermione.
Harry Potter and the Three Blind Mice Harry discovers that the mice in the house are blind. But why did they steal his carving knife for the sixth year Potions class?
Harry Potter finally gets told the truth about everything and he has to fight Lord Voldermort A title and story in one.
Harry Potter and the BIG Mistake Ron dresses up as Lord Voldemort for a bit of a laugh and Harry blasts him with a fatal dose of the Avada Kedavra. In the confusion, Harry blasts off the end of his doodle – he isn\’t pleased!