Enjoy the world's only 'above water' aquarium at Gorsky Park's Whaleworld. Climb the carcass of a dead sperm whale. Fun for the whole family. BYO nose plugs.
Holidays need more fun and excitement. We’ve decided to provide it.
This month, we reveal our plans for Gorsky Park. Gorsky Park will be an exciting holiday adventure theme park.
Featuring some of the most innovative rides and attractions no other park wanted, Gorsky Park will offer a total entertainment experience.
Here are just some of the attractions.
- Avocado Land – Thrill to the exciting 10 metre tall avocado.
- Dreamworld – 14 floors of beds and sedatives. Supply your own rides using just your imagination, and REM sleep.
- Ant Farm Farm – Learn how ants are grown, but watch where you step.
- Osteoporsis Experience – thrill to the bone-crunching thrills and spills as you fall down stairs.
- Internet Caf̩ Chase Рwill you have any emails from friends? Only $10 per half hour to find out.
- Road Rage Dodgems – Two minutes of dodgem car thrills and spills, and half an hour of boxing.
- Ferris Bueller Wheel – fun if you can find it.
- I See Dead People Ghost Train – ghost train lined with the actual corpses of dead human beings.
- Rock’n’Roller Coaster – the world’s most rickety roller coaster. Not the fastest, not the highest, but definitely the most scary.
- Michael Mouse and Ronald Duck – hug our two non-trademark-infringing mascots.
- Waterworld – 10 acres of unsold merchandise from Kevin Costner’s classic movie. All at below cost!
- Grass Grows & Paint Dries – Make your trip to Gorsky Park feel like a lifetime in this time-stretching attraction.
- The Vomitron – Spin around faster than any human has ever spun. As inertia works its magic, your lunch will magically reappear.
- Tunnel of Love – Be accosted by hundreds of hookers as you attempt to pass through this pedestrian tunnel. Over 18’s only.
- Mini Mt Everest – scale the world’s tallest mountain in a jiffy on this two metre scale replica.
- Terror Terrapins – The world’s largest and scariest terrapins, Curly and Moe, perform amazingly dangerous stunts every hour on the hour.
The Lobotomy Experience Enjoy the freedom of being a complete half wit when one of our ‘experts’ (ie a urine soaked homeless person who talks to street signs and eats tree bark with 15 minutes tuition on how to use his thumbs) removes part of your brain using a hook deftly inserted into your skull via your nose – just like the ancient Egyptians did it!!! Yes, feel like a Pharoah as this chook lotto of neurosurgery randomly removes those brain cells which stop you from becoming a Prime Minister, a Spin Bowler or a degenerate Governor General.
Kleptomaniac Kastle The only bouncy castle you don’t take you’re shoes off for.
Cartoon-A-Tron Try out impersonating cartoon characters. Now you can really see what happens when someone gets crushed by an anvil. Intensive care available for those who can pay ten times the normal price.
Harry Pothead Experience walk through a simulated Dandenong carrying your broomstick and avoid being asked if you are chasing.
How To Rob A Bank Experience aken through a model of a real bank and shown just how to get all of the money possible, with the most amount of injuries to others. The guides are escaped criminals, who will equip you with these skills for life.
The Gravitron xperience the thrilling fun and fear of gravity by jumping off a six foot wall on to the ground, experiencing Newtons favourite force first hand.
The Server rone to crashes. Currently out of service.
The Harry Potter Experience where laughing children play at being their favourite wizard and promptly have an injunction slapped on them by large men in the employ of Warner Brothers.
The Tron-a-tron Watch continual screenings of the movie Tron. Warning, you may become sick!
Dentist Land Rides such as The Up & Down Chair, Thrill of the Drill, Pin The Needle On The Nerve, Cavity-A-Go-Go. Oh, what a filling! ($300 per half hour. Will accept medicare rebates.)
Attraction Attraction In our super trendy dance club, purchase one of those "Sexual Human Pheromone Wipes" for only $2 at a vending machine in the toilets. Then stroll out to the bar and try your luck. If you’re a guy, and you seem to be attracting only guys, you’ve either gone to the wrong toilet and got the wrong wipe, or you’re in a gay bar!
The Thing People are Looking At! Be bewildered as you see a group of people staring at something in the sky. Be confused when you don’t see what they’re looking at. Be embarressed when you realize it was all a joke. Have revenge when you and the next group look up in the sky, attracting a new batch of thrill seekers!
The Wedgie A rollercoaster with seats that mold right up into your ass. Lots of bumps and loops to make sure that seat pushes your underwear up way too far. Don’t forget the camera at the end that catches you picking it as you leave the ride. Copies available at the end of the ride, for all to see.
The Thunder Buster roller coaster for those who can’t hanndle the speed or the ups and downs. This baby will thrill you with walking pace cars that circle an ovel shaped flat track.
Dodgy Cars Have fun trying to get these suckers started, let alone driving and bumping.
The Kinda Haunted House Strange noises emanate from within the walls of this house, trash appears from nowhere, but nobody seems to have ever lived here. It that the moaning of the dead or is somebody playing Areosmith at three am?
Hall of Almost Presidents n animatronic gallery featuring failed coup plotters, also rans, minority party leaders and George W. Bush.
The Doesn’tmatterhorn he most indefferent rollercoaster ever built.
Shopping Trolley World Payback time , see how many little old ladies you can run into with your shopping trolley as you cruise the aisles.
Gallery of Obscene Hoses ee hoses of all varieties twisted into various shapes. Puzzling! Amazing!
The Human Mundane Oddities See Numero the Astonishing Accountant juggle the numbers to lower your taxes- legally! Thrill as Terry the Amazing Tech Support Person explains how e-mail works to your mother! Witness the awesome spectacle of Wonderboy the Grocery Bagger as he consistently places the bread and eggs on top of the canned goods!
Jailland Experience the thrill of being a con! Try out the "shower room" but don’t pick up that bar of soap!
The Itch The wounderfull water ride, complete with water ticks and fleas to really get u itching with excitment.
The Restroom For guys, brave The Stench, play How’s Your Aim and Guess What He Ate, or simply marvel at The Unflushable.
Ladies, queue for three hours to see the Skinny Bitch (you’ll be talking about her for the rest of the day) and return to your boyfriend with so much make up on he’ll think you’ve been to one of those face painting stands for 6 year olds.
Crash Test Dummies A gogo This thrilling ride allows you to be strapped into a brand new, promo type car. This is then propelled at enormous speeds into a solid wall… Shmack!! You now have experienced the crash test!
Sluts R Us There’s this special corner on a special road with a bunch of very horny women aged 16 to 24. Enjoy!
Death Drop Supreme The tallest, fastest ride in the world. Haven’t seen anyone live to tell about it, though.
Mullet Land
A place where all the mullets of Earth can come together to socialise, breed and crush beer cans on their foreheads. Minimun entry six inches.
Launch Land Crap your shorts as you are launched 110 feet into the air and dropped.
Crappyfloss Like candyfloss, only sugar free so it tastes like pure crap.