The earliest bossy mechanical devices were the Daleks, although their advice was often quite hateful and repetitive. And they required live aliens inside to do the voice synthesis. And they were useless at washing dishes.
“At the next intersection, turn left.”
The satisfyingly calm voice of the satellite navigation device in the car saves me from having to think. And thank God for that. The frantic pace of modern life often causes us to use up to 11 or maybe 12% of our brain on a daily basis. It’s exhausting.
There’s also something slightly dominatrix-y about being told where to go without emotion or compromise. “Turn Left” she says. And I do. With pleasure.
As I glide around the corner, I long for other modern devices to talk to me and tell me what to do. What if your mobile phone told you to call your mother on her birthday? Or if your mirror told you when your fly was undone. Or your computer keyboard suggested a punchline to a joke you were typing.
Matter of fact, I could do with that right now.
Here’s what other gadgets could tell you…
- Microwave – You will need to do 90 minutes in the gym after this left-over pizza has been consumed.
- Iron – The shirt you are ironing went out of fashion in the 1990s.
- TV – You should stop watching this reality TV crap. It is neither entertaining nor informative, and is shrinking your brain.
- Digital watch – In the next 15 minutes, go to bed or else you will be tired and irritable in the morning.
- Shoes – You have put on 2kg this week: take the stairs today, fatarse.
- Phone – Do not call this number: it has only been one day since your date.
- Toilet – You need to eat more fibre.
- DVD – I was due back yesterday.
- DVD Player – My remote is under the cushion on the couch.
- Fridge – Do not eat the lasagne: it has been in here since 2005.
Computer – Leave town! Your wife found your hidden porn downloads
Motel Bed – Pick up your game. The couple before you lasted at least three times longer than you and used more than one position.
Video camera – we don’t add the pounds, you’re just fat!
Light Switch – You can turn me on anytime.
Shower – Oy! Use the toilet.
Toilet Paper – its a shit job, but someone’s got to do it.
Mobile Phone – do not answer, its your wife checking up on you…again!
Beer bottle number 10 – do not call your ex girlfriend/wife/dating partner when you are done drinking my contents.
beer bottle number 11 – are the women in this place hot already?, if not, drink Number 12, if by number 20 you still want to call your ex and nobody is looking good, order a scotch.
Police Hand Gun: Remember Rodney King!!!
Door Bell – It’s safe it’s only the pizza guy!!
Lighter-Don’t use me at a gas station.
Bong – ..wah ..nah.. yeah ..yeah..this is your first cone?