Getting rid of all your furniture is great feng shui.
You’ve probably heard of Feng Shui – the ancient Chinese art of furniture arranging.
Having your house feng shui’d will keep you happy, wealthy and healthy.
Sadly, though, feng shui consultants charge an arm and a leg for advice that generally seems to boil down to “don’t put things in places you’ll trip over them”
But there’s no need to pay a fortune for bad and useless feng shui advice. This month, GORSKYS.COMedy shares some of our favourite tips.
- Don’t put things in places where you can trip over them.
- Placing iron bars on your windows will stop your money bearing ‘dragon energy’ from getting out the windows. It will also keep theives out and your video in.
- A silk sheet placed on top of your couch will protect the couch from dust, and keep your ‘cockroach energy’ at bay.
- Placing Oreos in a locked tin on the top shelf in the kitchen will help you control your ‘pig spirit’.
- A remote control on your couch allows you to better commune with the Television spirits in your lounge room.
- A can of Glen 20 in the bathroom kills the evil ‘Germ Energy’ in the air (and hides nasty odours).
- Ensure there is a free flow of water energy in your sink by hiding the plug on your roof.
- Blocking your ‘gutter energy’ can cause your roof to leak. Regular leaf removal will help you protect your investment in your home.
- Placing a mirror on the inside of your front door will prevent your money-bearing dragon from leaving the house, and also allow you to check your teeth for parsley before heading off to the pub.
- Knowing the influence of the four corners of the compass on your Chi energy is important if you don’t want to get lost when walking around in the bush.
If your bathroom is situated directly above a bedroom, peeing on walls, rather than in the toilet, will prevent the “evil john energy” from flushing your wealth down the toilet. Also, since urine is sterile, you won’t have to use your cling-wrap to protect the various surfaces from “dirt energy”.
Paint the walls of your kitchen a dark colour so the dirt can’t be seen. That will be $500.
Having a person flop on your couch over a period of time drives away negative loneliness spirits, keeps the spirit of decay out of your refrigerator and creates a new spirit of the potato. Hardware requirements: Remote Control, TV/DVD with CABLE or Dish.
Placing stolen goods in all rooms of the house creates a good “rich and bored energy” but may attract evil “police” and other “law enforcing spirits”
Clean out your wardrobe and donate, sell or give away every item that you don’t enjoy wearing and which doesn’t fit you right now. Creating a vacumn allows room for the new to enter your life
Tape pictures of your old boyfriends on the inside of your front door. Meditate momentarily on those photos before you leave your home. This will remind you constantly not to drag home another loser.
Go to a rich persons house and pass yourself off as an expert in feng shui! When they’re not looking, steal their furniture. Having new ‘free’ furniture will make arranging your old furniture seem a lot less important.
Having the entrance facing the south will prevent unwanted spirits from entering from the north.
Placing a mirror on the front entrance of the house will prevent evil spirits from commuting all the way to the bathroom to look at themselves.
The presence of bikini wax at a bachelor’s apartment might indicate a lack of “straight energy”.
Feng Shui is Chinese for “Guys Crap goes in the Garage”
Placing a toilet in a room where there is no plumbing will encourage "bad stench" energy into that room.
Fed up with bad aim in the toilet? Get married, and harmonize the demon of spilled wizz with the spousal rubber gloves of cleanser. All without leaving the couch.
Wrapping your pets in cling film or gaffa tape and hanging them from the ceiling will make them look like pinyadas. Pinyadas are full of candy, and thats got to be good feng shui.
Lighting small fires around the house will ward off evil ‘oxygen’ spirits leaving you and your family happy and free of fear.
Place a "No Bad Energy" sign next to the "No Junk Mail" sign of your letterbox. Hell, we all know they work…don’t they?
Place pictures of your eX girlfriend/wife on each wall. This may not get rid of bad spirits but certainly draw them to a single point. Avoid entering that particular room yourself.
Nail your doors shut. This stops evil persons (bastards you don’t like) ever entering. What about friends you ask? Screw them as well, who knows what hidden agendas they may have!
The southern area of the house is the career section, which resonates to the element of fire. If your career is in the dumps, just set this room ablaze and … VOILA a new job is guaranteed!
Fang Shui Let loose your pit bull on hapless mailmen. Great for your fun shui but not if you want to get in touch with your mail side.
Fridge Shui Keep the big pig energy flowing, by giving each of the 5 major food groups has it’s own shelf. Can be difficult in shared accommodation where the fridge is organized on purely capitalist ideals of ownership.
A weekly rotation of fruit and vegetables through the fridge can ward of the evil spirit of decay.
Cleaning is a dull chore, but recovering money from down the back of the sofa is an excellent way to keep the "piggy bank chi" flowing
Hanging clothes in the wardrobe may be good for the no-crease factor, but hanging them on the floor just under where you took them off creates "good floor vibes" and helps cover those carpet stains from the beer drinking.
Catapults, Balisstas and other war machines are perfect for getting rid of those "Girl Scout Cookie Wielding Demons" and may also increase "fun energy".
Place paper on floor or a bucket directly under your mouth before seeing that person or persons you happen to think is hot to avoid spillige.
Piling up dishes in the sink will bring on the "I feel like I have a lot of fulfilling things to do enery"
The floor is actually one giant table-top.
"Christening" each room in your house creates good feng shui.
Carefully placed concealed video cameras can add spice to your sex life, or at least let you turn a buck placing footage on the Internet after you break up.