There's no need to make a fool of yourself trying to shape up with our exercises for the fat and lazy.
There are hardly enough hours in the day to do your job, buy your groceries, and watch TV, so how the hell are you supposed to exercise?
And it’s even worse if you’re fat and lazy. Getting motivated to exercise is obviously a problem, otherwise, you wouldn’t be fat and lazy.
Never fear. We’ve got the answer. This month, we present sure-fire exercise programs that are guaranteed to make you thin, sexy and gorgeous.*
- Be realistic. Keep your fingers thin and fit. Spend four hours a day playing Tomb Raider.
- Beer contains a lot of calories. Burn them off by running to the fridge.
- Lose your sticky-out belly by lying on your back.
- Experts say that vigorous sex can burn over 1,500 calories. Watching vigorous sex on porn videos will burn a lot of calories too.
- Your skin goes pruney in the bath because all the water seeps out of your skin. Apply this scientific principle to lose weight. Bathe in fat.
- Every time you deny your self a Mars Bar, reward yourself with a Snickers.
- Remember, there are no calories if the Mars Bar is fun-sized.
- If touching your toes is good for you, then touching your shoes must also be good for you, even if the shoes are sitting on your lap.
- Get your heart-rate up by listening to a talk-back jock you hate.
- Keep your skin young and by placing it in the freezer.
- Weight loss can cause wrinkles. Keep yourself younger-looking by adding 5 kilos per year.
- You are what you eat. Eat thin people.
- Lose weight fast, and move from the car to the shopping mall faster. Chop off your legs and get a disabled sticker.
- Exercise while you sleep by dreaming you are flying.
- Ever noticed how people weigh less in water? Move to Atlantis.
- Pay local children to exercise on your behalf.
- Redefine ‘normal’ to closer to ‘you’. Become a serial killer of thin people.
When you think about it, you’re the one person who never has to see what you look like- so why bother exercising? Lard up, fatboy.
Many people agree that just walking up a few flights of stairs can be great exercise. But who has all that time? To get the same results in less time, go for a few joy rides on the escalator at the shopping mall.
Check the wrapper of everything you eat for calorific content. If it doesn’t state anything, it must be calorie free!
Tie a basketball to the lamp shade with a long piece of string or rope so that it hangs down in front of the TV. Give it a push so it swings side to side. Gravity will eventually make it stop so that it blocks your view again, and you will have to get out of your chair to give it another push, or get a long stick.
The truly lazy person need not excercise at all! You see large is all a matter of perspective. So, you need to surround yourself with people larger than yourself. And BINGO, you are the skinny one.
You burn calories even when you sleep, so just spend lots of time doing that.
Tired of the usual boring exercise routines? Try these:
Jumping to conclusions,
Making leaps of faith,
Running out of ideas,
Jogging your memory
It doesn’t count if it’s someone else’s chocolate bar.
Increased gravity will make the tossing and turning of sleepytime the equal to a day at the gym. You just need to sleep where there is more gravity, like the surface of the Sun.
Go to filthy public toilets, and squat don’t sit. Get those thigh muscles pumped.
Just eat whipped cream; that should whip you into shape.
Buy an aerobics video and watch it each day. You may lie on the lounge while watching, but don’t get a sore neck.
Superglue your mouth shut, then only drink soup through your nose… or any other orifice that feels comfortable.
Strap a black board to your back, then paint all your blubbery bits black. The matching colours will virtually strip you of all your fat, and you will like you’ve got anorexia!
Hide the remote control, this will make you:
a) Move the couch closer to the TV, burning lots of calories;
b) Actually get up and down to change the channels, again burning lots of calories; or
c) Give up on TV entirely so that you walk to and from the Pub every night, once more burning lots of calories.
Just remember that when you’re traveling abroad, just as your currency changes, so does the calorie exchange. For instance, if you’re an American in Germany, where a mark is about $.50 to a dollar, you’re only getting half the calories you would at home for the same food, so plan your itenerary accordingly.
Collect all your food wrappers together, along with anything else that says ‘calories’, and burn them.
Jump up and down on the ashes for a quick aerobic workout.
Put the remote control in your pocket and look all over the house for it which will burn off calories. eg: moving the couch, checking every room (works better if you live in a mansion). Also gives your brain a workout, which makes it lighter.
Tie a donut to the back of an office chair. Sit in the chair and look at the donut, envision the donut, believe you can get the donut. GO FOR IT. You will get it eventually and by the time you will have gotten it you will be so sick you will barf up a few pounds. Plus spinning is aerobic.
Make youself feel good about your size by hanging a picture of a beached whale on your wall!
It’s all just a state of mind. change your surroundings so there are no mirrors or reflective surfaces around you. out of sight out of mind, after a while you will forget all about your weight problems
Only buy things that are 50% fat. then break them in half and eat the fat free side.
It’s all about moderation. So only buy medium sized McValue meals, regular sized fries etc. Be carefull of those 30% extra at no extra cost, mars bars. You don’t want to go overboard.
Spend 3 weeks at Australia’s Woomera Detention Centre and sew your lips together, that should do the trick.
Tell thin people this: ‘If my waist was as narrow as your mind, I’d be annorexic!’ Then eat as much as you want. And stalk the people that are mean to you.
A vacuum cleaner and a sharp knife can help remove those unsightly pounds in minutes!
Be realistic. Keep your fingers thin and fit. Spend four hours a day playing air guitar!
Instead of eating real food, eat plastic food.
Try dousing yourself with gasoline and setting yourself on fire. Fire has been shown to burn off a LOT of fat!
I lost the equivalent of an entire person, I divorced my husband.