Why use a scapel when any old kitchen knife is almost as sharp?
Got a little case of heart attack? If Robert Palmer had been better informed, he’d still be shimmying with scantily clad models today.
This month, we present some simple tips you can use to keep your medical bills down, and your health up.
- Heart Attack – Don’t throw away that dodgy kettle that gives you a little shock every time you touch it! Keep it around for that unexpected cardiac arrest – don’t forget to yell “clear”!
- Asthma – Don’t waste money on expensive Ventolin puffers. When your breath is short, just blast a spray of Glen 20 down your throat. The pressurised air will get all the way to your lungs, with the added bonus of fresh breath.
- Broken Arm – Steal some lumber and plaster sheets from a nearby building site. The timber makes a perfect splint, and the plaster can be dissolved in warm water to provide the perfect healing environment for your bones.
- Tinea - Athlete’s Foot can be embarrassing and painful. And the anti-fungal cream isn’t cheap. Tinea grows in most dark, moist places. But your body has one dark moist place that is completely tinea-free: your mouth. The answer is obvious: throw away your Canestan, and use Colgate between your toes.
- Short-sight - Why spend good money on contact lenses, when cling film is almost as thin, and comes by the metre?
- Depression – Depression is serious. But whenever you get it, the doctor prescribes ‘happy pills’ that cost a fortune and leave you with bills that make you even more depressed. Break the cycle. Next time you’re feeling low, eat M&Ms. They look a little like Prozac, but taste a whole lot better.
- Lung Cancer – Don’t bother with expensive surgery to cut out the tar-clogged parts of your lungs. Clean them out the fast way. Simply put the vacuum cleaner in your mouth, and turn it on.
- Enlarged Prostate – As men age, their prostates expand, choking off the flow whenever they try to have a wee. There’s two solutions. Pay a urologist a small fortune to operate, or just insert a free drinking straw from McDonalds to keep things open. There’s a reason Ronald is still smiling after all these years.
- Skin Cancer – Moles often turn into cancers when exposed to too much sunlight. They darken, and turn feral. Surgery can lead to unsightly scarring, and people have died waiting to get to the top of long waiting lists. Remove your moles the fast way. Apply household bleach. This will stop your moles from darkening, and may even make them disappear entirely.
- Burst Appendix – The appendix has no known function except to get infected, burst and line your surgeon’s pockets for removing it. As the pain of a burst appendix is awful, it’s best to prevent it getting infected entirely. Drink a glass of Domestos each morning to kill any germs that may be in your gut, keeping your appendix healthy and happy.
- Heart Transplant – Need a new heart. Here’s how to get rid of your old one. Go to your local Hell’s Angels chapter, and tell them you’re a paid up and proud member of the Banditos who has had sex with their mothers. They’ll rip your heart out of your chest within a few seconds.
- Tonsilitis – When you were young, your mother told you not to lick your dinner knife. Now’s the time to take it up again. A quick lick, a thrust, a twist, a swallow. Tonsils gone.
- Lasik Eye Surgery – Doctors use lasers to shave your corneas to correct short sight. The laser in your presentation pointer can be almost as effective.
- Face Lift – Don’t pay surgeons thousands of dollars to pull the skin on your face tighter. Super-glue some skin-coloured No. 5 rubber bands to your cheeks, and attach them around your ears for a much faster and cost-effective alternative.
For everyone who wants to be a Michael Jackson look-alike, the surgeon can just get a sledge-hammer and hit the your face in.
Haemorrhoids These tricky little buggers you can’t talk about can be removed with embarrassing surgery or they can be safely encouraged to drop off by themselves if you tie a loop of cotton around them and pull it really tight.
Big Ears Surgeons remove a sliver of skin from the back of your ears to make them look smaller and nicer. It’s expensive and it hurts. But if you push brass drawing pins through your ears into your head, you get the same results plus a matching pair of neat studs as well.
Parkinson’s Disease There isn’t actually a cure for Parkinson’s Disease, but there are some clever disguises. Carry a large thermos full of Red Bull and nobody will ever know the difference. Or put on a bright red skivvy and pretend you’re the newest Wiggle.
Another heart attack cure The Tazer gun. Used by law enforcement all over the United States, with this baby, there’s no playing possum any more and if you do happen to have a hearter, forget the massage or the paddles, just swap the remote control for the Tazer and zap the victim when the ads are on.
Obesity Don’t get elastic bands put around your stomach. Instead, put you tongue on the chopping block and smash it with a hammer. It’ll swell up like a football and you won’t be able to eat except through your nose. Watch those kilos melt away!
Attention Deficit Disorder Don’t waste precious dollars buying your kid Ritalin. Simply shove a funnel in your kid’s mouth and force feed them a bottle of cooking brandy.
If they don’t die, the depressants should kick in, and they will feel docile and sleepy when the hangover hits.
Alzheimer’s Disease Avoid ever being diagnosed as having Alzheimer’s by working your entire life to amass a vast fortune. Then when you go mad you’ll actually be thought of as “eccentric” and none of your gold-digging relations will want to be the one to put you in a home, for fear of being written out of the will.
Baldness Laser follicle treatment or realistic looking hair-pieces can be expensive. To achieve that young and virile look you desperately desire, cover your slaphead with glue and visit a friend who has a pet dog or cat that is moulting. Rub the pet on your head until covered in hair. You are now thirty years younger!
Fractured Skull Expensive surgery is not required, simply use vinegar and brown paper. Well, it worked for Jack and Jill and have YOU ever been lied to by a nursery rhyme?
Body Odour Don’t waste money on expensive toiletry products, simply start a company that sells deodorant that smells like your stale sweat. Pay a celebrity thousands to endorse it and everyone will think you’re wearing the hippest new fragrance.
Kidney failure Save time and money on expensive dialysis with this great alternative. Insert a syringe with tube attached into both your carotid artery and jugular vein. Attach one pvc tube to a small fish tank (no more than 4 liters capacity) and the other to the filter pump. Your heart pumps blood into the fish tank where the fish frenzy feed on any particulate that your kidneys are unable to normally remove. The blood is then sucked into the tank filter, which cleans up the really small stuff and is pumped back into the body by the filter pump. Of course your blood is not only cleaned but also aerated taking a huge load off your lungs. As an added bonus, your heart does half the pumping thus saving a few more bucks on electricity. You can also adjust the Ph balance of your blood by adding a small hand full of lime and a few M&M’s if you feel a bit hypo. Hey why not throw in a couple of shots of malt whiskey.
Impotence Viagra works for many but not all. Try using some popsicle sticks and duck tape. It works for all who tied… er… tried it.
Premature Ejaculation Fail safe method….think of MOM.
DIY Birth Control and Sleep Aid Sneak birth control pills into your teenage daughter’s orange juice and sprinkle some in her salads. Double doses on Saturday nights and Prom night. Guaranteed NO pregnency and Mom and Dad will sleep like babies.
Collapsed Lung Don’t call an ambulance, call a taxi and get straight down to your local service station. Grab the air hose and give yourself three or four big squirts of high pressure air to pump that old lung right back.
Insanity If your grandpa claims God turns the light on when he goes to the bathroom, and God turns it off when he’s finished, don’t spend money on a therapist. He’s just peeing in the fridge.
Colonoscopy Buy yourself one of those little spy cameras. Attach it to a sturdy rod using good quality masking tape. Connect it to the video player because unlike most of the crap people tape, you will want to play this crap back. Lube it up with butter, insert and watch the show on tele. You can offset the costs by sending the tape into Funniest Home Video. Hey you could even go live on the Net.
If you really need surgery, date “Jack-the-Ripper’s” younger brother “Mack-the-Jipper”! It’s bad cuting technique, but its cheap as hell!
Stomach Ulcers Swallow leeches. They will attach themselves to your internal weeping sores and remove the bad blood. Of course the pain will be excruciating, but it’s cheaper than Mylanta.
Stomach Stapling There’s no need for expensive surgery to staple your stomach and lose weight. get one of those huge staple guns. Ask a friend to assist you. Stand side on against a metal bench-top, and hang your offending flab over it. You might want a felt tip pen to mark where you want done. Take a deep breath and shout ‘Fire!’ Your friend just needs to staple on the line, and cut off the excess flesh with a Bowie knife from the kid around the corner.
Penis enlargement Stop stuffing your underpants with socks. Use play dough and glue to give your member a few extra inches.
Proper Etiquette Surgery
You bumbling fool! Use the small knife on the LEFT for heart surgery and the one on the RIGHT for plastic surgery.
Brain Tumor Surgery Take a .357 Magnum and press it against your temple. Pull the little metal thing and you’ll never have to worry about tumors again.
For any ailment: become a British citizen! Provided you don’t mind long waits you can have everrything treated on the NHS for free.
Warts:- freeze them with “cold spray” available from your local DIY outlet. Then dig the beasts out with a nice hot soldering iron before the numbness wears off…
Obese? Cut yourself in the middle and use a vacuum to suck up the excess fat.
To save money on surgery dont visit the Doctor.
NASTY CUTS – stickytake and a needle and thread! works for me! (serious)
lesson: sticky tape works for everything! but dont use glue.
Do a transplant where you exchange your willy with your thumb. Definite shortage of hitchhikers on chilly days, but sucking your thumb may take on a strange new fascination.