Britney Spears worm - takes over your CD drive, and refuses to play your Avril Lavigne CDs.
Computer viruses are running rampant. Blaster (aka LoveSan), SoBig, AnnaKournikova. ILoveYou. It’s as if there’s a virus for every possible human emotion or desire.
Of course, you can innoculate yourself with anti-virus software, but how paranoid is that. It’s like using a condom – it may be safe, but it takes the thrill out of it.
This month, we list some of the computer viruses we’d like to see.
- George W. Bush worm – Masquerades as an anti-virus program. Invades your PC, deletes thousands of “suspected virus” files but can never find any actual viruses. Will take over your machine until it has destroyed everything.
- Nerd From School virus – Gives your computer embarrassing acne and braces.
- LoveSam virus – same as the LoveSan virus, but without the annoying spelling errors.
- Viagara virus – Hijacks your computer and shows you photos of naked women. Guaranteed to make your penis grow 6″.
- Microsoft worm – Reverses the effects of the Viagra Virus.
- Weapons of Mass Destruction worm – hides your mouse so you can’t find it.
- Free Speech virus – sends emails to all your friends telling them exactly what you think of them.
- Mother virus – refuses to let you use your computer until you’ve cleaned your room.
- John Howard virus – based on Australia’s Prime Minister. Turns your PC into a 1950’s typewriter.
- Hamas virus – causes your laptop to explode whenever you hop onto a bus.
- BBQ virus – literally burns CD ROMs.
- Paper Clip worm – your computer offers you help to do things you’ve done a million times before.
- Einstein worm – like the Paper Clip worm, but looks a little like Einstein.
- Microsoft Help Desk worm – lke the Paper Clip worm, but your computer charges you $5 every time it tells you you look like you’re writing a letter.
- Bank Fee virus – your computer charges you $5 per month, even if your don’t use it.
- Oops, I Did It Again virus – your computer sings whenever you press Undo.
- Elmer.Fudd Worm – changes all your R’s to W’s.
- Alzheimer’s virus – your computer cant’ remember what the last step was to undo.
- One Beer Too Many virus – turns your hard drive into a floppy.
- Red Bull virus – causes your screen to shake and disables the sleep function. may cause computer to crash.
GoShop virus Hooks into your fridge and orders milk and frozen pizzas via your internet connection
SoggyBiscuit Virus It gathers its mates around your cookies and makes them unrecognisable
CIA Virus Your computer has a virus, but it can’t tell you where it is, what it’s doing, how much it will cost to repair, but continually displays messages that it’s looking after your best interests while it f*cks you.
Anorexic virus Whenerver you put in a floppy disk/CD your computer will shoot it out at the nearest toilet/garbage can.
Catholic Virus It marries one of your dll files before reproducing itself as many times as it possibly can.
Teenager Virus Every time you try to do anything, a message pops up saying “I’ll do it later.”
Marijuana3 virus
Makes your computer forget where your most important files are kept and makes a pigsty of your registry
Marijuana2 Virus Makes your computer eat your floppy disks and anything else it can find at 3 in the morning.
Marijuana virus Makes your machine giggle incessantly while you try to do serious work.
The Waiting For A Bus In Dublin virus You wait years to see this virus, then two come along at the same time, or the viruses are cancelled.
Barney Virus A dancing, singing, purple dinosaur appears on the computer screen, causing the user to destroy anything just to make the torture stop
Tyson Virus Will take a byte out of another program
Osama Virus No anti-virus software is able to find it.
Michael Jackson’s Baby Virus May hang at any time, caused by parent software.
Winston Churchill virus
Your computer gets so inspired it actually grows legs and runs off to fight on the beaches.
p diddy virus
Suddenly your computer’s covered in bling bling and sippin’ cristal with a bimbo each side
J Lo virus Your PC wont perform until the room is white, with white lilies, sofas, and mineral water at room temperature is available. Everytime you ask it to do somthing, it says “Speak to my agent.”
GeorgeW Virus A virus that attacks your spell checker and changes “prosecute” automatically to “persecute”.
Chelsea FC virus Headhunts all your good files and delets all the other ones.
Dr Suess Virus – extends your computer’s spell-check to include words like “snozzle”, “dinkwater” and “hoozle-valve”.
Canine virus Takes your most used documents and ‘buries’ them somewhere on the hard drive so you can never find them
The Rock virus Whenever your computer turns on, you’re bombarded with phrases that dont make sense and terrible acting
Taxation virus Notifies the taxation department of all your online accounts, gambling and purchasing
Ironic Virus Invades your system, doesn’t do anything.
Tourette’s Virus Your computer types random curse words for no apparent reason.
Snoop-Doggy-Dog virus Yo! Homie! Your computer’s gonna’ spit out obnoxious, mindless words like” telefizzle” and phrases like “you know what I’m sayin’” after every other sentence! The only way to get rid of this virus is to move to Utah, USA. Or sell your computer, motherfucker!
Teenager2 Virus This virus doesnt become active on your system until after 2pm. It renames your hard drive “the refrigerator” and proceeds to consume the contents at an alarming rate. There is no cure for this virus as it hangs around your system for 7 years then dissappears, only to return periodically to clean out your “refigerator”
Pauline Hanson Virus Makes all the text and backgrounds on your computer white, and refuses to allow you access to foreign and Aboriginal websites. Not that you can read them anyway. It causes you to think “Please explain”
MugabeWorm Evicts the Pauline Hanson Virus and makes everything black.
Lottery virus Keeps adding money to your bank account without taking tax off