How To Bring About World Peace

April 25th, 2005

miss universe goes crazy How To Bring About World PeaceIn a world fraught with war, starvation and malice, it’s nice to know that some things never change. People have been attacking, starving and hating each other since time began. And before that, dinosaurs weren’t known for their ability to get along peacefully.

Every year, the Miss Universe contestants claim that their wish is to bring about World Peace during their reign. Clearly, after over 50 years of competition, they’ve shown that looking great in a swim suit isn’t actually all that likely to settle all conflict on the planet.

But it’s time that something was done. We’re five years into the new millennium but still the Palestinians and Israeli’s hate each other, Iraqi insurgents and the US Army are at each other’s throats, and Eminem openly detests Moby.

This month, GORSKYS.COMedy makes some suggestions about how World Peace can be achieved by the end of the year.

  • We can stop Palestinian suicide bombers from killing Jewish Israeli’s simply by converting all Jews to Islam, violently if necessary.
  • If the Tsunami taught us anything, it showed us that natural disasters can bring an end to conflict as people unite in their grief. Wiping out the entire middle east in a horrific tidal wave would bring an end to the War on Terror, and have the added bonus of turning the Sahara Desert into the world’s largest beach resort.
  • As every boy scout knows, sharing stories around a camp fire is a great way of bonding and enjoying an evening. Suspected terrorists should be sent on a night in the forest with some matches, some pre-pubescent boys and a packet of marshmallows.
  • Antartica is the only continent untouched by war. The rest of the world should follow its example and become a frozen wasteland.
  • The Northern Ireland conflict is based largely on religious differences between Protestants and Catholics. The solution is clear: prove that God doesn’t exist, and the two sides will have nothing to disagree about.
  • The War on Terror can be over by Christmas. George W Bush just needs to declare victory, and it’s over. It worked in Iraq, so why not everywhere else? Of course, the fighting and killing will continue, but we can just re-define “terrorism” as “hyper-violent negotiation”.
  • All wars about ownership of land could be ended if only people learned how to breathe under water and live at the bottom of the ocean.
  • No turtle has ever become an evil dictator. This may be an important point for people to remember when next casting their vote.
  • Many conflicts continue for years and years because negotiators have fixed positions, and aren’t prepared to be flexible. Wars would end if each country sent in their gymnastics teams to solve disputes.
  • Some of the most vicious disputes in the world are between neighbours arguing about over-hanging trees. A simple solution would be to refer all these disputes to an international body such as the UN Security Council, to vote on which neighbour is right, and then to send in a Peace Keeping Force to chip down the tree and live in each of the neighbours houses for 25 years to ensure hostilities no longer arise.
  • Countries in which the citizens are starving and dying of easily prevented diseases such as malaria and dysentry are amongst the least stable and most likely to declare war. The Western world provides these with billions of dollars of aid each year to save their lives. Cutting off this aid would quickly eliminate the remaining populace, thus rendering the country empty and unable to declare war.
  • The UN Security Council should be replaced by the Justice League of America. A team of superheros will act quickly, decisively and effectively. So long as Batman doesn’t get to lead the team.
  • It’s hard for soldiers to kill each other when they’re only armed with pillows. All other forms of weapon should be destroyed.

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How To Bring About World Peace

Readers' suggestions to create peace in our time

  1. Go on a good old fashioned 60′s Freakout

    Current score: 0

    ??? ??? [21/05/2005]

  2. (assuming “world” refers to earth) Move mankind to a different plannet.

    Current score: 0

    chris chris fayter [20/05/2005]

  3. Make it mandatory to draft all politicians, Presidents and Prime Ministers into their respective armies.

    Current score: 0

    MAGGIE M [18/05/2005]

  4. Have everyone go to an Usher concert, so they discover for themselves… the real enemy.

    Current score: 0

    nick MUZZ [17/05/2005]

  5. Everyone gets a dancing robotic monkey with a hat! It will make everyone so happy that war would not be needed again!

    Current score: 0

    HpN [16/05/2005]

  6. Wait… as soon as Harry defeats You Know Who, we will all be safe!

    Current score: 0

    HpN [16/05/2005]

  7. Marijuana Bombs Instead of blowing them up with regular missiles just drop weed bombs. You’d have one happy country ready for invasion. Actually they’d probably find the whole situation rather funny.

    Current score: 0

    Capt Nemo [15/05/2005]

  8. All we have to do is let Bush do what ever he wants to do. In a few years, we’d all be dead, and then the only problems would be between squids… I like sqiuds.

    Current score: 0

    Pablo de Asia [15/05/2005]

  9. Free Nelson Mandela…again!

    Current score: 0

    Christian Azzola [09/05/2005]

  10. Develop alternative sources of renewable energy! (OK, that doesn’t stop fundamentalism, but it might stop Bush.)

    Current score: 0

    paul v [08/05/2005]

  11. Kill everyone. Problem solved!

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    paul voveris [08/05/2005]

  12. Send in the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, we’ll sort this world out…

    Current score: 0

    Capt Nemo [07/05/2005]

  13. The united nations (edit in fanfare here) would have a lamington drive, coupled with a moratorium on handing in all WEAPONS of mass, moderate and mediocre destruction, fire arms, boomerangs AND vaguely disparaging adjectives, to be stockpiled and used against those dirty rotten backsliders of countries that don’t participate. Ooops- not you but yanks, we love you’s all. (Edit in sound of incoming ICBM.)

    Current score: 0

    mantlebrott bits [06/05/2005]

  14. Ban reality TV, don’t allow Americans to vote, replace taxes with mandantory end of the year blow jobs, eat more ice cream, get at least 3 hours a day of sunlight, and ban any communication with in-laws.

    Current score: 0

    Nancy Indy500bo [06/05/2005]

  15. WWE Style wrestling Take all the world leaders, terrorist leaders, break away extremist groups, disgruntled postal workers etc. Place them into an organisation similar to the WWE. Give them stupid names like Bushmad, Blackcoffi, Osama. And let them beat it out of each other with unbelievable moves in front of millions of people.

    Current score: 0

    Capt Nemo [05/05/2005]

  16. One word: Booze! if the world is all drunk, they can’t wage war, cuz they’re too drunk! and the next day, they’re too hungover to wage war! Rinse and repeat…mmm…booze…

    Current score: 0

    Agentguy The Sheep [04/05/2005]

  17. Send in Walker Texas Ranger. He’ll sort em out or shoot em out, then at the end we can all gather around a bbq and laugh at some ‘witty’ remark until the frame freezes and the credits roll.

    Current score: 0

    tess f [03/05/2005]

  18. I see so many different types of condoms in shops these days that I ask myself why the hell aren’t we trying them all out?! With all that shagging going on there would be no time for wars!!!!!

    Current score: 0

    stef baroni [03/05/2005]

  19. Make a weapon so destructive and terrible and use cute acronyms like M.A.D (Mutually Assured Destruction) so nobody dare start a war, Oh Sh*t, Let’s try something else!

    Current score: 0

    Cyn Icle [03/05/2005]

  20. Choose two primary school kids to pick teams, dividing the world in half, and then move one half to mars, and one half to some other planet, then let the two kids be world leaders. Easy as A,B,C.

    Current score: 0

    Lisa H [01/05/2005]

  21. Take all their damn women, then tell them, UNLESS we get world peace, right here, right now, we’re gonna send ‘em straight back!

    Current score: 0

    mantlebrott sit [29/04/2005]

  22. Put marijuana in the UN’s coffee, just like in Ali G. They’ll be relaxed and high in minutes, and then there’ll be no more of these petty little wars, since when you’re high, everything’s good.

    Current score: 0

    Silent Dan [27/04/2005]

  23. Send in Supernanny. All evil dictators tend to be like children throwing tanties anyway

    Current score: 0

    Darren Emslie [27/04/2005]

  24. Or, you could just tranq the water systems…

    Current score: 0

    joy [27/04/2005]

  25. And make angry people laugh by tickling them with huge wafty feathers until they forget why they were angry.

    Current score: 0

    joy [27/04/2005]

  26. And soft loo roll.

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    joy [27/04/2005]

  27. Give everyone fluffy bunny slippers.

    Current score: 0

    joy [27/04/2005]

  28. Let’s wipe out all of mankind. If there is no one around, we will have peace ever lasting.

    Current score: 0

    Sebastian Weing [25/04/2005]

  29. Boobs! Lots of Boobs!

    Current score: 0

    HpN [25/04/2005]

  30. Change the baseball World Series into something that really matters. Let every country in the Unoted Nations field a team, and the winner gets to rule the world for a year.

    Current score: 0

    Alan Roberts [24/04/2005]

How would you bring about world peace?

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