Books You Should Not Read Before You Die

February 1st, 2008

Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise look weird.

Katie Holmes' book 'How To Meet Mr. Right (If Mr. Right is a Psychopathic Dwarf-Man)' is one to be avoided at all costs.

When the Lynn Spears (mother of out-of-control popstar Britney Spears and knocked-up teenager Jamie Lynn Spears) revealed she was writing a book on parenting, the irony was lost on no-one.

No kidding. Not even Alanis Morisette could have got this one wrong.

Books are obviously a great way to cash in on yours or someone else’s fame, but, as my English teacher always told me, “write what you know”. Sadly, when I was 16, I knew very little, and failed English. But at least I knew that I didn’t know anything.

You wouldn’t read Osama Bin Laden’s International Diplomacy for Dummies, or thumb the pages of George W. Bush’s Comprehensive English Grammar Omnibus. Nor would you, whilst in the waiting room of the gastroenterologist, absentmindedly flip through Steven Seagal’s How To Be A Great Actor. Or maybe you would, just for a laugh before being probed.

Which led us here at GORSKYS.COMedy to investigate other books you should probably avoid.

(Biographical links provided by s9.com – the biographical dictionary)

  • The ‘Tastes Like Chicken’ Cook Book by Hannibal Lecter, with a foreword by Jeffrey Dahmer.
  • A Prequel Too Far by George Lucas.
  • 20 Great Things To Abuse When You’re Drunk by Mel Gibson.
  • Phone-Kwan-Do: Self Defence for the Telecommunications Age by Russel Crowe.
  • Underexposed: Bits of Paris Hilton You Haven’t Seen Yet by Paris Hilton – A photobiography using the latest in internal photography techniques.
  • I Love Lindsay Lohan by Lindsay Lohan; foreword by Lindsay Lohan.
  • The Complete Atlas Of U.S. America And Such And Other Countries Such As South Africa And Iraq (With Maps And Such) by Lauren Caitlin Upton, Miss Teen South California 2007.
  • How To Spot A Religious Nut by Tom Cruise.
  • You’re Not Beautiful Unless You Can Count Your Ribs: The Olsen Diet by Mary-Kate Olsen.
  • Any Publicity is Good Publicity by Wayne Carey.
  • White Boys Can Rap by KFed; fore-rap by Vanilla Ice.
  • Knowing When To Let Go by John Howard (The sequel to Knowing When to Say ‘Sorry’).
  • Knowing When To Shut Up by Peter Costello.
  • DIY Costume Design by Janet Jackson.
  • I Won’t Stop Until I Own Everything by Rupert Murdoch.

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Books You Should Not Read Before You Die

Your books to avoid...

  1. Chompy EarSteaks by Mike Tyson
    Heavy Weight Chomp By Mike Tyson
    Chompy 1 by Mike Tyson
    Chompy 11 by Mike Tyson

    Current score: 0

    femi dada [21/08/2008]

  2. "How to win Elections" By Dick Cheney

    Current score: 0

    Andrew Dean [13/06/2008]

  3. “How To Speak English Good” By G. W. Bush

    Current score: 0

    CozB [18/04/2008]

  4. “How to be a good mother” by Britany Spears

    Current score: 0

    martin scarbrough [04/04/2008]

  5. “Home Hair Styling” by Britany Spears

    Current score: 0

    martin scarbrough [04/04/2008]

  6. “Living clean” by Ben Cousins.

    Current score: 0

    alan kaider [23/02/2008]

  7. “Taking it on the chin.” by Mark Latham. A guide to accepting defeat graciously and developing loyalty. Now includes the bonus chapter “How to cut your own hair.”

    Current score: 0

    alan kaider [23/02/2008]

  8. “An Idiot’s Guide to Satire” by Wil Anderson.

    Current score: 0

    Mark Woodward [21/02/2008]

  9. “Questions Don’t Elude Me Anymore – A Biography of the Man Who Thought The Gorskys Advice Column Was Serious and Became A Billionnaire By Inventing the Perfect Question Generator” by Ryan The Great. Includes footnotes on Pascal programming and high school computing classes.

    Current score: 0

    Ryan The Great [20/02/2008]

  10. The Art of Male Grooming by Donald Trump

    Current score: 0

    Patrick Coyle [15/02/2008]

  11. How To Beat The Bottle with David Hasselhoff

    Current score: 0

    Patrick Coyle [15/02/2008]

  12. 69 Childhood Games Just Before Bed by Michael Jackson

    Current score: 0

    Patrick Coyle [15/02/2008]

  13. The Keys To A Successful Marriage by Elizabeth Taylor

    Current score: 0

    Patrick Coyle [15/02/2008]

  14. The complete guide to modern medecines and their correct dosages by Heath Ledger.

    Current score: 0

    Robyn McGregor [12/02/2008]

  15. Drive Safe – A learners guide to the road rules by Paris Hilton

    Current score: 0

    Robyn McGregor [12/02/2008]

  16. “35 ways to manage your mental illness” by Martin Bryant.

    Current score: 0

    alan kaider [06/02/2008]

  17. “How To Write A Hymn Or Song Of Praise” By Kevin Bloody Wilson

    Current score: 0

    Wee Mad [05/02/2008]

  18. "How To Get People To Take You Seriously" By Weird "Al" Yankovic.

    Current score: 0

    Wee Mad [05/02/2008]

  19. “Fashion Tips For Weddings” by Marilyn Manson.

    Current score: 0

    Wee Mad [05/02/2008]

  20. "Why Macintosh Are THe Best" By Bill Gates

    Current score: 0

    Wee Mad [05/02/2008]

  21. “Why Whiskey And Marijuana Are Good For You” By Willie Nelson

    Current score: 0

    Wee Mad [05/02/2008]

  22. “Who Let Off The B.O.M (Boring Old Men)” – A collection of rip roaring speeches given after major sporting events by Boring Old Men by virtue of the fact they are the CEO’s of the major sponsor. Great bed time reading, if you want to get to sleep really quick.

    Current score: 0

    martin hearn [04/02/2008]

  23. “Marriage and Fidelity” by Shane Warne, Bill Clinton & Jack Nicholson. Foreword Woody Allen.

    Current score: 0

    martin hearn [04/02/2008]

  24. Why I Am Hated: A Complete Guide To Why You Are Not Loved By Anybody (This Includes Your Mom)

    Current score: 0

    Punky Joe [04/02/2008]

What books do you recommend not to read

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