Although TAX will earn you 10 points in a game of Scrabble, you will owe at least 2 of those points to the government.
There comes a time in every year which we’d all rather avoid: tax time. It’s not so much paying taxes that’s annoying; it’s that horrible job of having to fill in dreadful government forms to do it. Who the hell saves and files every receipt and pay slip that’s made their way into their wallet? Who the hell wants to add them all up? It’s annoying, frustrating and depressing.
We think that what can be done today can be put off until tomorrow, and we’re now running late with our taxes.
So we thought we’d write a list of some things that you could do if, like us, you want to put off completing those tax forms.
- Calculate pi to a million decimal places.
- Develop a keen interest in test match cricket. This will buy you five days of avoiding your taxes.
- Re-calculate last year’s taxes using hexadecimal.
- Kill your accountant. Then, you’ll have an excuse for your taxes being late. Plus, if you do go to jail, it won’t be for some poxy crime like tax avoidance.
- Earn so little money in the year that you legally don’t have to file taxes.
- Earn so much money in the year that you pay lawyers to structure your affairs so you legally don’t have to file taxes.
- Earn so much money you can buy the government – or at least a few influential people at the tax office.
- Become a charitable organisation. You’ll still need to file taxes, but at least people will just be throwing money at you.
- Develop a muliple personality disorder and distribute your tax equally among all your personalities. The only drawback with that is that you’ll need to file, like 10 tax returns. But they’ll all be in a lower tax bracket, so you’ll save a bundle.
- Spend hours online searching for ways to avoid doing your taxes.
- Try to fix all the bugs in Windows.
- Eat your own earwax.
- Eat your dog’s earwax.
- Call an ambulance after suffering earwax poisoning.
- Eat your doctor’s earwax.
- Attempt to write the entire works of Shakespeare by randomly hitting your keyboard with a pen.
- Translate all your receipts to Arabic and see if there’s a hidden message in them.
- Convert all your recipes to imperial measurements, and back again. See if there’s a difference in the amounts.
- Read the bible backwards, looking for proof that there is a Dog.
- Look for spelling errors and bad grammar in the taxation act.
- Make a handwritten backup copy of the internet.
- Create two accounts on AOL messenger, then spend a saucy night chatting with yourself online.
- Phone your friends and offer to do THEIR tax.
- Search the classifieds for a single, lonely chartered accountant.
Smear your tax returns with dog food and “foolishly” leave them near your dog. That way and you can claim “The dog ate my tax forms.”
Send them a portion of the crops raise in your poor feudal village. Or, return your taxes filled with old candy bars.
Play WoW till you can no longer see more than 1 foot infront of you and you start to believe you are an Orc Rogue… then lose the plot, gank some poor random noob down town screaming “For the Horde!” and then spend a year in a padded cell having really cool conversations with all your new “special” friends.
Destroy all record of you ever existing, and live inside a cave, sustaining youself by eating other people’s tax papers. This way, you will never have to file taxes, and neither will the people who you stole thier papers from.
Look up your favorite politician in the Clerk of Courts’ property record, and find out their social security number. Then file their taxes for them.
Request all your paychecks in paper cash and coinage. They can’t tax you when its untraceable.
In England, if you live in a council house you don’t have to pay taxes (unfortunately you get robbed every other day).
Attatch a helicopter to your forehead. Stick your head into a monkey. Become an extra on Star Wars (people will run away when you tell them) OR use your time machine to rob yourself.
More realistically you could burn down your house.
Or use your tax forms as plates, go don to the tax office and calmly eat duck with some kind of sticky sauce on it off your forms. Leave them there. They wont be able to tell if you didyour tax or not.
Alternatively you could eat your tax forms, jump into the sea and tell everyone you’re King Halter Neck of the Grand Fops
I got of the new simplified “tax forms for dummies” from the Australian tax office this year, it reads:
1. What did you earn this year?.
2. Send it to us!
The two sneakiest little words in the english language? Plus tax!
Try to figure out the “REAL” da Vinci code. Even if you don’t get rich enough to avoid tax, you’ll waste a load of time
Become a percussionist I’m pretty sure the mentally handicapped don’t have to pay taxes.
Run around in the middle of the streets with your pants on your head and gloves on where your socks should be.
Don’t buy anything that’s not in some insignificant way work related (eg 2-minute noodles: they give me energy and sustanance to do my job). Sure, you’ll have to spend ages filing the tax return, but you’ll never have to pay actual tax.
Break your mailbox and later, use that as an excuse saying that you didn’t receive any mail for a long long time, including the taxation act. Too bad.
Get eaten by a dinosaur, or, just cry your way to not paying them. (If you got a very simpathetic person it might work….)
Tell the tax man that the accountant who does your tax is serving in Iraq and you have to wait until the War On Terror is over and he gets back.
You can simply…
- Become a kid… kids don’t do taxes
- Become a dead person… dead people don’t do taxes
- Become a rich person… rich people don’t do taxes, or at least until Bush gets out of office
Keep believing you can and will do your taxes by chanting over and over, “I will do my taxes today, I will do my taxes today…” Hopefully, you will have wasted a day chanting, realize you haven’t done your taxes today (or yesterday), shrug, and continue chanting throught the next day (or today).
Hold the government to ransom for the amount of tax that you owe.
Move To Saudi Arabia they don’t have taxes!!!
The taxation office has a really sick sense of humour. When the taxation inspectors started calling me demanding back-taxes money payable immediately (or they would rah rah rah etc,) I just switched them over to my answering service, which plays a 10 minute recording of *crazy frog*. This was really big fun for a while, till the day my visa card stopped working. When I rang the bank and asked to speak to the guy handling my account, crazy frog answered.
Move to Canada!!! **but live in a small cabin in the woods where nobody but those pesky yaks know where youlive….** (better yet, make your house underground)
Become king of the world.
Call the tax office and tell them you’ve come down with a terminal illness.
I just don’t work
When they used to send some tax office auditors over to check my books, I used to just run out completly naked except for my dog’s collar and tags, and dry hump one of their legs. (Well, most have been dry, hi Nigel.. call me!) Nobody bothers me AT ALL any more from the tax office… AND my tax is five years overdue now.
WARNING.
Don’t try this at home.
I’m a six ft two inch lice infested Dirty Sanchez look-alike reclusive millionaire with more hair on my back than godzilla.
If you’re a willowy blonde Paris Hilton look-alike, sporting killer legs, a clit ring and brazilian, this tactic may not quite produce the intended result.
I sent this letter to the Australian Tax Office this year. Don’t think they have a hit squad do you?
To the ATO Canberra.
Dear sirs,
Enclosed is my tax return form together with my payment for the year ending 2005. Please take note of the attached article from the Sydney Morning Herald. In the article, you will note that the government paid $171.50 each for hammers, and the prime ministers dept. paid $600.00 each for four toilet seats.
Please find enclosed in this package
- four toilet seats (value $2,400.00) and
- six hammers (value $1,029.00).
These articles are in payment for my total tax due of $3,029.00.
Out of a sense of patriotic duty, I am also enclosing a 5mm Phillips head screw, for which ASIC duly recorded and approved a purchase value of $22.00 last year, as my contribution to the Australian taxation office Christmas party.
It has been a pleasure to pay my taxes this year, and I look forward to paying them again next year in accordance with officially established government values.
Sincerely,
Another satisfied taxpayer.
I was filling out my tax return when my 5 year old asked what I was doing. I told her that we all pay part of what we earn to the government. Not pausing from her attempt to rid the world of an oversize choc muffin she said “When I grow up, I want to be a govment.”
When they send one of those really nasty auditors to inspect my records, I welcome the man and get him started with a pile of files and receipts, then I like to mess up the rest of the house and slip out the back window. My neighbour makes the coffee while I phone the police to report a break-in. They used to fall for this all the time down at the tax office, but with the no doubt annoying two day bureaucratic delay on posting bail, coupled the auditor’s aversion to being some-ones bitch down at the old lockup, has greatly reduced the incidence of audits. Now they only send the new guys.