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Avoid Taxes, Or At Least Filing Them

September 1st, 2005

Although TAX will earn you 10 points in a game of Scrabble, you will owe at least 2 of those points to the government.

There comes a time in every year which we’d all rather avoid: tax time. It’s not so much paying taxes that’s annoying; it’s that horrible job of having to fill in dreadful government forms to do it. Who the hell saves and files every receipt and pay slip that’s made their way into their wallet? Who the hell wants to add them all up? It’s annoying, frustrating and depressing.

We think that what can be done today can be put off until tomorrow, and we’re now running late with our taxes.

So we thought we’d write a list of some things that you could do if, like us, you want to put off completing those tax forms.

  • Calculate pi to a million decimal places.
  • Develop a keen interest in test match cricket. This will buy you five days of avoiding your taxes.
  • Re-calculate last year’s taxes using hexadecimal.
  • Kill your accountant. Then, you’ll have an excuse for your taxes being late. Plus, if you do go to jail, it won’t be for some poxy crime like tax avoidance.
  • Earn so little money in the year that you legally don’t have to file taxes.
  • Earn so much money in the year that you pay lawyers to structure your affairs so you legally don’t have to file taxes.
  • Earn so much money you can buy the government – or at least a few influential people at the tax office.
  • Become a charitable organisation. You’ll still need to file taxes, but at least people will just be throwing money at you.
  • Develop a muliple personality disorder and distribute your tax equally among all your personalities. The only drawback with that is that you’ll need to file, like 10 tax returns. But they’ll all be in a lower tax bracket, so you’ll save a bundle.
  • Spend hours online searching for ways to avoid doing your taxes.
  • Try to fix all the bugs in Windows.
  • Eat your own earwax.
  • Eat your dog’s earwax.
  • Call an ambulance after suffering earwax poisoning.
  • Eat your doctor’s earwax.
  • Attempt to write the entire works of Shakespeare by randomly hitting your keyboard with a pen.
  • Translate all your receipts to Arabic and see if there’s a hidden message in them.
  • Convert all your recipes to imperial measurements, and back again. See if there’s a difference in the amounts.
  • Read the bible backwards, looking for proof that there is a Dog.
  • Look for spelling errors and bad grammar in the taxation act.
  • Make a handwritten backup copy of the internet.
  • Create two accounts on AOL messenger, then spend a saucy night chatting with yourself online.
  • Phone your friends and offer to do THEIR tax.
  • Search the classifieds for a single, lonely chartered accountant.

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Avoid Taxes, Or At Least Filing Them