US President George W. Bush will be competing in Political Gymnastics at Athens 2004.
The Athens Olympics look like they will be a complete disaster. Venues won’t be completed in time. It’s running hopelessly over budget. The threat of terrorism is ever-present.
In this post-9/11 world, it’s time to reflect on the Modern Olympics, and what they mean. It’s time to update the sporting events to suit modern times.
Here are events we think should be included in the Athens Olympics.
- Hide and Seek – And the Gold goes to Osama bin Laden.
- Political Gymnastics – Leaders of the Coalition of the Willing attempt to justify the war on Iraq.
- Bomb Throwing – Get rid of the stupid hammer-throw and replace it with a sport all terrorists will love.
- Anti-Tank Gun Shooting – Pistol shooting is so 1900s.
- Equestrian – In classic Greek style, all the equestrian events will be held on Trojan horses.
- Fencing – In classic Greek style, all the fencing events will be held in Trojan horses.
- Suicide Swimming – Strap 15 kg of Semtex around each swimmer’s waist. As they hit the water, it blows up. Last one in is a blob of jam.
- Security Scan Sprint – Athletes will be required to run through an airport scanner and elude guards for 400 metres.
- Modern Triathlon – Running, cycling and swimming have been replaced by Grand Theft Auto, Max Payne, and Doom.
- Modern Pentathlon – Due to a lack of funding, athletes must choose to compete in only one of the usual five sports.
- Weight Lifting – Due to the building not being completed, this sport has been automatically awarded to Bulgaria.
- Synchronised Swimming – Funding cutbacks mean teams can only consist of one athlete. This is expected to dramatically improve the event.
- 100-Metre Sprint To Your Death – Run 100 metres to the bus as Israeli soldiers line you up in their sights.
- Weight Lifting – The first event in the weight lifting will involve contestants attempting to lift the roof onto the the swimming pool arena.
- Separatist Shot Put – The longest shot-put attempt between Greece and Turkey wins Cyprus.
- Archery – To solve Athens’ feral cat problems, all archery events will improve moving targets.
- West Bank High Jump – Athletes will try to clear the border wall.
- 10,000-Metre Walk – Walk through Athens streets from venue to venue because the public transportation system wasn’t completed in time.
- 10-Metre Sprint – Originally the 100-metre sprint, but the athletes all got too ill trying to run that far through Athens’ smog.
- 100-Metre Marathon – There are too many chances for accidents on a 42-mile incomplete track, so this event has been modified to suit the Athens environment.
- Shooting – To save on building a shooting range, all shooting events will be held in Iraq.
- Diving – Has been replaced by Commando Sky Diving.
- Water Polo – All water polo events will be completed in the first week. During the second week, the pool will be drained and used for polo.
Survivor Whoever can stay in a man-made hole the longest wins. Saddam would win the gold, duh.
Modern Javelin Time to modernise. Each country gets 3 ICBM’s, and 3 chances to neutralise another country, Last man standing gets gold (and all the oil they need).
Hurdles But with landmines, in an unmarked field. Think of it!
OPEC Relay Race Whoever gets the most oil, and makes it out alive, wins!
Blame Throwing and Responsibility Dodging – What with the “weapons of mass destruction” and “children overboard” events of the past few years (among many other impressive feats of athleticism), it should be a pretty close call for the gold.
Due to health and safety regulations, only imaginary events can take place.
The Yawning Competitors battle to stay awake during tedious opening ceremony. Points are awarded to the most imaginative yawning and stretching. Bonus points given for grunts and groans. Points deleted for getting cramp.
Cement Diving
Competitors will dive of the high board only to realise the pool is empty.
Nicky Webster Shooting Spree Bring Nicky Webster back for the opening ceremony, and the audience is given rifles.
National anthem marathon Everyone’s droning national anthems are played on a loop – the last man/ woman/ transgender standing wins! No athletic stadium needed!
Begging Let contestants loose in the crowd, one with most money gets to take all the others’. Penalised if caught by security guards, Disqualified if imprisioned.
Death Hurdles Spikes on the hurdles. Lets see them try and jump that.
Pole Bolt Construction workers need a lot of strength to get those roof beams up, so why don’t we get the world’s strongest and make an event out of it?
Olympic Drug Taking This competition is for those who failed the drugs test! How many performance-enhancing drugs can you inject/swallow before you either die or mutate into some other species.
Suicide bombing How many innocent civilians on a bus can you take out in one bomb blast?
Pop Idol Judge Target-shooting Nah, they dont shoot… they’re the targets!
Political Tap Dancing Bush is the favorite for the Gold, Silver, and Bronze. Bush Sr. said of his son competing, “It just wouldn’t be prudent at this juncture.”
Opening Ceremony Instead of the boring ‘dude runs up to the pot and lights the fire’ routine. Use NAPALM, now that would be worth remembering!
Shark Dodge Import man eating sharks from the abundant supply in Western Australian waters. Get competitors to take it in turns to tap the shark, more points awarded the closer to the nose the tap is. Last one left un-mutilated wins gold
Sychronized skipping
… and China misses! AGAIN!
Political sprint Bush, Saddam and Bin Laden face off in this sprint to the finish. There is a gun at the end of the field and whoever finishs first gets to see the end of their enemies.
Musical Sprint There’s a first violinist, a second violinist a virtuoso viola player and a bass player at 4 corners of the field. a $100 bill is dropped in the middle.
The second violinist wins because the first violinist doesn’t go anywhere for $100, there’s no such thing as a virtuoso viola player, and the bassist hasn’t figured out what’s goin on
Sychronized Smoking- Now don’t think that the former soviet bloc has a lock on this one; there are plenty of ex political prisoners and failed leftist playwrights scattered about the globe who can be tapped for a world class team with the right blend of coaching and chemotherapy. What’s Dennis Leary up to these days?
The heavy-metal-band-shake-the-floor race – a number of heavy metal bands line up at one end of the track. The aim of the game is to create the loudest noise and vibrate the floor so much, that they end up at the other end of the arena (note: all band members and equipment must be over the finish line to finish)
Political Matrix: How long can a politician dodge the bullets of public outrage? The one to speak the most gobbledegook about the Iraq war wins. Well done Messrs Blair and Bush!
Nicky Webster Marathon Turn up the mic real loud, lots of huge amps everywhere, and have her damn annoying voice fill up the world. Last person sane wins gold for thier country.
Rock throwing Whoever gets their person down the fastest wins gold.
Pie Eating And not just any pie, every aussie kids favourite… mud pie!!!!
Who can tell the most WMD lies? Britain will definitely win that one (even if it is the only thing Blair is good at).
Inventing crap events for the Beijing olympics