Anna Nicole Smith – R.I.P. To A Ripper Chick

February 23rd, 2007
Anna Nicole Smith, Howard K. Stern and Dannielynn

Liam makes his bid for inheriting Anna Nicole's fortune by impersonating her infant daughter, Dannielynn.

It’s been a couple of weeks since the premature death of Playboy Playmate cum TV celebrity and GORSKYS.COMedy fan Anna Nicole Smith.

It’s sad when someone famous dies. You know there’ll be an entire episode of E! devoted to telling their life story, instead of the 30-second nightly update on what they had for breakfast. From now on, all we’ll get is an annual “On This Day…” announcement that will never be quite as interesting as gawping at the amazing human tragedy that is a celebrity’s life. From Britney Spears’ shaved head to Anna Nicole’s legal tussles, watching the rich and famous is like watching a car crash in slow motion. You hate to do it, but can’t tear your eyes away.

What at the time was a confused and tragic story has become clearer. Smith died of natural causes, insofar as it’s entirely natural for a human heart to struggle to pump blood around such enormous breasts.

Typically for a celebrity, at the time of Anna Nicole’s death there were allegations of drug abuse and excessive alcohol consumption. Witnesses at the bar in the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel said she’d drunk so much she couldn’t walk properly. Well, let’s face it: she was so top-heavy, and even sober she stumbled around a lot.

Anna Nicole had a lifestyle that, at the least, could be described as turbulent and interesting. She was often accused of being a gold-digger, having acquired it by marrying 89-year-old Texas oil magnate Howard Marshall II. But the truth is, her fortune was a result of her natural perky personality and her unnaturally-perky bosom. Together, it was a combination remarkably well-suited to seducing elderly, rich men.

Already, questions are being asked about how her estimated wealth of $474 million should be divided. We’d have thought it was obvious. 50/50: half to each breast.

So far, three men have claimed to have fathered her surviving daughter, Dannielynn. With three men involved, it could be argued that Smith’s money should go to “Orgy Attenders Anonymous”.

The tragedy is that Anna Nicole has left behind an infant child who will now be set upon by callous gold-diggers intent on getting their hands on her money. Happily, Dannielynn will have lots of lawyers eager to make sure that after their fees, there’s no fortune to fight for.

Dannielynn will also face the harsh reality that every child of a Playboy centerfold faces – many of mom’s pictures in the family photo album have staple holes in the stomach.

Anna Nicole, we salute you, dear friend. Her life’s greatest achievement was celebrity, and her untimely death has cemented her place as one of the weirder stars in the firmament.

And, of course, now she’ll be re-united after death with her first true love, Howard Marshall II. They’ll have wild, passionate kinky sex every night. Howard will wonder how much better Heaven can get, and Nicole will wonder what she did to earn damnation in Hell.

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Anna Nicole Smith – R.I.P. To A Ripper Chick

What you'll miss about Anna Nicole

  1. Actually, we’ll only miss three things. Two of them are side by side, and the other is in the middle, about 20 inches lower.

    Current score: 0

    Smokey McPat [11/03/2007]

  2. If I get sad I\’ll miss not being sad about the sad little miss I should miss and be sad about. Have I missed something?

    Current score: 0

    Ivana Sarkuov [27/02/2007]

  3. Hmm… what WILL we miss? This is tough…

    Current score: 0

    Silent Dan [23/02/2007]

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