All-New Deadly Sins

April 4th, 2008

The Pope hates Jessica Simpson's music.

If the Pope had had his wits about him, he should have also made it a deadly sin to be in possession of any Jessica Simpson album, especially the Christmas album, 'Rejoyce'.

In an effort to make his mark on papal history, Pope Benedict XVI recently sat down with a nice hot cup of altar wine and had a go at adding some new and exciting deadly sins to the seven old deadly favourites.

It’s still naughty to stuff your face with fourteen cheeseburgers, or spend too long sitting on the couch watching The Biggest Loser, but now you can also be damned eternally for harming the environment, fiddling with genes or being Rupert Murdoch.

So, does this mean God has finally been pulled kicking and screaming into the 21st century?

Is the Pope a Catholic?

The original deadly sins also came with appropriate punishment. For example, if you lust after your neighbour’s donkey, of course you risk being smothered in fire and brimstone. But modern sins require modern punishments: if you lust after your neighbour’s new superfast broadband connection, you could be punished with dial-up speeds for all eternity.

Here at GORSKYS.COMedy, we think God’s right-hand man has missed some important candidates for modern deadly sins and their punishments…

• Those who spam – To be force-fed generic viagra and cialis, and then sent on a mission to Africa to find a Nigerian willing to transfer a million dollars to a random foreign stranger.

• Those who produce reality TV – To be forced to only interact with Big Brother contestants until bored to death.

• Those who answer their phone during a film in a cinema – To receive constant and annoying ringtones in the ears.

• Telemarketers – To be interrupted in the middle of every meal forever.

• Those people who cancelled the series Arrested Development halfway through the third season – Be locked in a room watching reruns of Joey for all eternity.

• Those who create crap computer operating systems – To be forced to “permit or deny” every tiny life decision.

• Those who take great old movies and remake them badly – To be locked in a room watching their own life flash past their eyes as a remake starring Tom Cruise.

• Those who fill your email inbox with cliché-ridden forwarded emails of “inspirational”, “real” stories that make you want to vomit – Immediate removal of fingers.

• Those who create Facebook applications that require 20 friends to be invited before you find out the “answers” – To have all their Facebook friends tortured and killed.

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All-New Deadly Sins

Other sins our readers want added to the Pope's list of Deadly Sins...

  1. People who drive SUVs- should be forced to wear a sign around their neck proclaiming in bold letters their stupidity and utter uselessness for driving 1 block to get a case of beer.

    Current score: 0

    Andrew Dean [13/06/2008]

  2. Being the pope: Forced to attend every nazi, racist or satanist meeting or activity until arrested and jailed with HUGE negro gays. And he should only get slippery soaps.

    Current score: 0

    Anton Heineman [27/05/2008]

  3. The people who dub anime and thus destroy it: A yaoi pairing, that isn’t necessary, and all that dialogue that explains why the hell they can transform into mutant robots, don’t need that. Well: your lungs, heart and right eye, just as useless you pricks.

    Current score: 0

    David Arnold [05/05/2008]

  4. skinny girls who constantly say they are fat in front of other people, just so that the people will tell them how skinny they are (shallow cows!) – should be force fed doughnuts and cookies until they come out of their ears, then have their lips superglued together to stop them complaining.

    Current score: 0

    Tina Smith [02/05/2008]

  5. Annoying teenage girls who yap at the top of their lungs about who they gave head to this week – should be made to prove their skills on every male passenger (and any females who want it).

    Current score: 0

    Silent Dan [30/04/2008]

  6. People who tell you they completed a song on Guitar Hero 3 on Expert and expect you to be impressed – Punishment: to be given a REAL guitar and shoved on stage at a punk rock concert and told to play the song then.

    Current score: 0

    David Arnold [18/04/2008]

  7. Annoying gits on public transport who think that bystanders are impressed by the fact that they have a mobile phone and, just to make sure we notice them, engage in a conversation with an equally desperate friend at a volume that would make a Disaster Area concert seem like a tea dance. SHUT UP YOU SAD LITTLE PONCES! – to have a metal plate surgically riveted to the inside of their lips so that they can’t speak and have Motorola Brick phone surgically attached to their hand.

    Current score: 0

    Matt Blackwell [17/04/2008]

  8. Motivational speakers – should be forced to face a donkey’s ass and have fart blown in their faces for all eternity.

    Current score: 0

    Hassan Mohammed [16/04/2008]

  9. Emo’s who complain there is no happyness in the world and every one hates them – Should be forced to watch Care Bear cartoons till there eye’s bleed.

    Current score: 0

    Wee Mad [07/04/2008]

  10. Blokes who have never been on a horse and never won a bull ride and walk around wearing big ass belt buckles, Americian cowboy hats, blue jeans and blue singlets – Should be tied to a bull or horse and left there untill the rope breaks. Better yet just give then to the hillbillys in America.

    Current score: 0

    Wee Mad [07/04/2008]

  11. People who want to masturbate to a G.G. Allin song- Will be fored to go the way He DID as they are violently masturbated by space to a cher song

    Current score: 0

    Punky Joe [07/04/2008]

  12. People who post naked photos of girls on internet - Should be forced to consume alcohol(a well known poison)every night for the next year and im buying.

    Current score: 0

    martin scarbrough [05/04/2008]

  13. People who fart in elevators – Should be forced to use the bathroom after I have had a curry.

    Current score: 0

    martin scarbrough [04/04/2008]

  14. Traffic Wardens that wait 10 mins for the meter to run out – Should be forced to wash the car whilst wasting taxpayers time .

    Current score: 0

    martin scarbrough [04/04/2008]

  15. Old people who walk round mens locker room at the gym naked for hours – should have to walk home naked cause if i have to see it so does everyone else.

    Current score: 0

    martin scarbrough [04/04/2008]

So many things are sinful.

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