All-New Deadly Sins

April 4th, 2008

The Pope hates Jessica Simpson's music.

If the Pope had had his wits about him, he should have also made it a deadly sin to be in possession of any Jessica Simpson album, especially the Christmas album, 'Rejoyce'.

In an effort to make his mark on papal history, Pope Benedict XVI recently sat down with a nice hot cup of altar wine and had a go at adding some new and exciting deadly sins to the seven old deadly favourites.

It’s still naughty to stuff your face with fourteen cheeseburgers, or spend too long sitting on the couch watching The Biggest Loser, but now you can also be damned eternally for harming the environment, fiddling with genes or being Rupert Murdoch.

So, does this mean God has finally been pulled kicking and screaming into the 21st century?

Is the Pope a Catholic?

The original deadly sins also came with appropriate punishment. For example, if you lust after your neighbour’s donkey, of course you risk being smothered in fire and brimstone. But modern sins require modern punishments: if you lust after your neighbour’s new superfast broadband connection, you could be punished with dial-up speeds for all eternity.

Here at GORSKYS.COMedy, we think God’s right-hand man has missed some important candidates for modern deadly sins and their punishments…

• Those who spam – To be force-fed generic viagra and cialis, and then sent on a mission to Africa to find a Nigerian willing to transfer a million dollars to a random foreign stranger.

• Those who produce reality TV – To be forced to only interact with Big Brother contestants until bored to death.

• Those who answer their phone during a film in a cinema – To receive constant and annoying ringtones in the ears.

• Telemarketers – To be interrupted in the middle of every meal forever.

• Those people who cancelled the series Arrested Development halfway through the third season – Be locked in a room watching reruns of Joey for all eternity.

• Those who create crap computer operating systems – To be forced to “permit or deny” every tiny life decision.

• Those who take great old movies and remake them badly – To be locked in a room watching their own life flash past their eyes as a remake starring Tom Cruise.

• Those who fill your email inbox with cliché-ridden forwarded emails of “inspirational”, “real” stories that make you want to vomit – Immediate removal of fingers.

• Those who create Facebook applications that require 20 friends to be invited before you find out the “answers” – To have all their Facebook friends tortured and killed.

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All-New Deadly Sins