Bill Gates: an evil overlord?
Do you want to be the all-powerful overlord of Earth?
Do you long to command armies to do your bidding?
Would you like gorgeous models to massage you erotically for days on end?
Follow the Gorskys’ tips on how to achieve world domination, and you can have it all.
- Shave your head. Evil overlords look considerably more potent when blessed with advanced male-pattern baldness.
- Devise an innovative plan to take control of the world’s infrastructure. Threatening to detonate a nuclear device and thereby pollute the world’s atmosphere just won’t cut it any more. France has been doing it for years, and no one gives a toss.
- Be creative. Holding all the world’s toilet paper to ransom might be clever, but imagine how much more effective you’d be if you infected the water supply with laxatives first.
- Threatening to tickle the President of the USA is unlikely to have you appointed Supreme Commander of Planet Earth.
- Hire minions who can actually hit their targets. Most failed evil geniuses seem to hire cross-eyed sharp-shooters who can’t hit an elephant from one pace. These employment practices, while low cost, simply allow plans to be thwarted with ease.
- Beware of anyone named James Bond or Batman. They will thwart your plans. If you do capture them, kill them immediately. Whatever you do, don’t give them a detailed explanation of your plan.
- Make a budget and stick to it. We got this from an article in Cosmo, but it applies as much to potential All Powerful Rulers as the personal assistant on a savings plan. It’s no use getting halfway through building your doomsday device only to approach the bank for a loan of $58 billion because you over-spent on the catering. Bank managers are notorious for their lack of insight an imagination, and will probably refuse the loan.
- A sausage sizzle to raise funds for your evil plans is unlikely to be effective. You will probably need to hold a series. Say the first Sunday of every month for the next 80 years.
Have friends spread the good word.
Get five girls together, write some hypnotic lyrics, brainwash the media into thinking they are the ‘next big thing’, saturate every form of media with stories/images/music/etc aboout them, make one of them an ambassador to the UN, Oh hang on… It’s been done already, hasn’t it. Ummm, how about three boys? Get them young, say pre-pubescent….I give up. Who wants to run this crummy world anyway?
Raise money by holding a cake sale then when all the cakes are sold buy more with the profits and sell them again.after a year of doing this taking over the world will be easy because everyone will be too fat to do anything about except sit there.remember to lower there self esteem by having big load speakers and calling them fat fools all the time
Sell everyone moonshine and when they’re drunk, tell them to fill their pants with whisky. Then they won’t have pants and you’ll be the only one with pants and everyone will worship you.
Make several thousand clones of yourself and put them into positions of world power (you can overlook the Canadian Prime Minister). Once intigrated, voila! You will be ruler of the world!
Fool Bill Gates into giving his fortune to you. To do this make a legal form that says he’ll hand over all that he owns. Tell him it is just a routine document to sign. No one really looks at the fine print these day anyway. From there, buy the U.S. and proceed to take over the world one country at a time telling them you want to be their friend.
Convince a major science company to take you in and run bizzare experiments with wasps. An accident is BOUND to occur, transforming you into some kind of wasp like creature with super wasp powers!
Hell even if you don’t take over the world it’ll be fun!
Take over the cable TV sytem and play nothing but the emergency brodcast sytem all the time. Say "I’ll stop if you give me complete power and follow my every comand". And get a satellite so you can turn their TV’s on all the time. And then get Jennifer Lopez naked and… well you know the rest.
Destroy world, then threaten to destroy again if they don’t obey!
Don’t let some young upstart who you "think" won’t be able to destroy you into your throneroom. And don’t leave yourself with just him and his father, even if his father is one of your minions!
Tell everyone to obey every single thing that you say! If they all say no, then tell them not to obey every single thing that you say, reverse psychology supposidly works well. Though if you hypnotize the world first, then do the reverse psychology, I’m sure you’ll run into a lot of problems.
Just ask for it politely. It can’t ever hurt just to ask, and maybe nobody’s asked in just the right way before.
Get the biggest gun. Don’t be afraid to use it.
Two words….. free booze.
Remove all the exit signs from major political buildings, now the politicians can not escape and starve, leaving the world free for the taking.
Design a small moon base. Construct it on the moon. Expand the base using the materials already on the moon. Aquire billions of mols of graviton particles. Set this station of particles away from the moon as to slow its velocity and thus its angular momentum. Slowly but surely the moon will descend to earth gaining velocity. Eventually it will collide with the earth in a catostrophic explosion killing all. Return to earth and claim it for yourself.
Why should I ?
I own it already!
Chew on the techtonic plates until san andreas floods and you can then build on the sea bed
Get a credit card. Use it wisely. Use the good credt rating to get more credit cards. Repeat. Continue until you have a credit card from every company in the world.
Simultaneously get the largest cash advance that you can to form a $50 billion lottery. Offer everyone in the world a free ticket in the lottery if they support you as Supreme Ruler of the Universe.
Take over TV station and pet cute animals. Proclaim they can be adopted at the station. After everyone lines up to adopt, lock them inside and do your thing!!
Step 1. achieve imortaltity.
Step 2.Get a steady job at a small company then work your way up in a few thousand years you will be promoted to ruler of the universe.
Threaten to drop a fat bloke on every country in the world – it’s more effective and cheaper than anything else
Step 1. Kill 1 person.
Step 2. Repeat Step 1 6billion times.
Step 3. Declare yourself ruler.
Dress up in an alien costume and buy an aeroplane that looks like a UFO.Then,ask all Earthlings to bow before you.
I can’t believe no-one mentioned this key point to achieving global domination. Your Name! Ensure you have, or change your name to that which would suite an evil overlord. Be careful, names such as Dr.Evil, The Penguin or The Riddler seem to end up failing their goal so aim for something more simple along the lines of say Mr Magoo or John Howard….noone would ever expect people with names like that to have the ability to take over the world! Take em by surprise!
Convince all hot blond women to join you by offering them shiny nicels…….offer all men hot blondes to make them join you….use men to kill all others……..rule world…..simple.
Hire 1 clown for every major city in the world (Almost everyone is scared of clowns). Irradiate them until they are at least 100 feet tall, then unleash clowny doom upon the earth. If not frightened to death by the sight of nuclear-fire breathing clowns, many will be trampled to death anyway. Sit back and watch the carnage. The truly evil do get pleasure from watching clowns annihilate those pitiful humans HA HA HA…enjoy.
Go out into the world to sell magazine subscriptions with a sob story about ghetto children. The fine print that nobody reads on the contract signs them and their entire family into your slavery. Make your slaves sell magazine subscriptions. When you have enough slaves, use their life savings to purchase weapons of mass destruction and rain destruction on all who will not bow down before you. Everyone will either be dead or your slave, and the plan is completed.
By lots of jello then pour it into the ocean, when the ocean is solid, mine the fish stuck in the jello than broadcast yourself eating fish, everyone will want some. Charge outrageous prices. When you have enough money to buy guns and men and Rule the world Muhahahaha.
Step 1: Start a large and popular cult.
Step 2: Have your cult members vote you into presidential office.
Step 3: Have your loyal followers appointed into key government offices.
Step 4: Take over Canada and Mexico. (It should not prove to be difficult)
Step 5: Take over the world one country at a time.
Step 6: Use genetic engineering to form a race of half goat and half pig devil children to watch over your new empire.