How To Achieve World Domination

November 1st, 1999
Bill Gates looking angry

Bill Gates: an evil overlord?

Do you want to be the all-powerful overlord of Earth?

Do you long to command armies to do your bidding?

Would you like gorgeous models to massage you erotically for days on end?

Follow the Gorskys’ tips on how to achieve world domination, and you can have it all.

  • Shave your head. Evil overlords look considerably more potent when blessed with advanced male-pattern baldness.
  • Devise an innovative plan to take control of the world’s infrastructure. Threatening to detonate a nuclear device and thereby pollute the world’s atmosphere just won’t cut it any more. France has been doing it for years, and no one gives a toss.
  • Be creative. Holding all the world’s toilet paper to ransom might be clever, but imagine how much more effective you’d be if you infected the water supply with laxatives first.
  • Threatening to tickle the President of the USA is unlikely to have you appointed Supreme Commander of Planet Earth.
  • Hire minions who can actually hit their targets. Most failed evil geniuses seem to hire cross-eyed sharp-shooters who can’t hit an elephant from one pace. These employment practices, while low cost, simply allow plans to be thwarted with ease.
  • Beware of anyone named James Bond or Batman. They will thwart your plans. If you do capture them, kill them immediately. Whatever you do, don’t give them a detailed explanation of your plan.
  • Make a budget and stick to it. We got this from an article in Cosmo, but it applies as much to potential All Powerful Rulers as the personal assistant on a savings plan. It’s no use getting halfway through building your doomsday device only to approach the bank for a loan of $58 billion because you over-spent on the catering. Bank managers are notorious for their lack of insight an imagination, and will probably refuse the loan.
  • A sausage sizzle to raise funds for your evil plans is unlikely to be effective. You will probably need to hold a series. Say the first Sunday of every month for the next 80 years.
How To Achieve World Domination

Your Tips on How To Achieve World Domination

  1. Form a union with the evil bunnies. There is no point doing all the hard work and taking over the world only to be asasinated by the evil bunnies straight away while you sleep.

    Current score: 0

    Si Anderson [20/04/2004]

  2. Have your world domination manifesto tatooed onto to Pamela Anderson’s breasts. That way it’ll reach the male population.

    Current score: 1

    pammy [25/03/2004]

  3. Write your World Domination message on the back of dirty cars. This way your message will travel fast.

    Current score: 1

    Jess E [12/03/2004]

  4. Somehow get superpowers in a lab accident, then wreak havoc uppon the world. The rest will do itself… or go nuts and threaten world leaders.

    Current score: 0

    Tom “the genius” Pritchard [21/02/2004]

  5. Win the -Superstar or -Idol show of your nation. Win World Idol. Gain audiences with all the world leaders. Hypnotise them with your amazing voice and dancing. Finally, have them turn their power over to you. You will not need secret police or an army, because everyone will love you from your ‘Idol’ days.

    Current score: 0

    K T [20/02/2004]

  6. Go Muahahah at random moments. People will become afraid of you.

    Current score: 6

    Ben slim [16/02/2004]

  7. eat as much as humanly possible, become enormously fat. sit on world leaders until they agree to give their titles to you. liposuction all your fat, sell it to soap factories, with the proceeds buy a fleet of fiat pandas and turn them into killing machines, hey presto your titles and army are complete,take over world.

    Current score: 2

    ma’am ur bitchiness [14/02/2004]

  8. Give everyone a cookie. They will love you for it. Or you can just shoot everyone you see till you and your friends are left and replenish the world and since you will be the oldest and wisest everyone will respect you.

    Current score: 1

    JB Frank [04/02/2004]

  9. If you take over the world, but then your defense grid is smashed by the resistance and you have to send a robot back in time to kill the resistance leader or his mother, hardwire this into the robots programming:
    “When target is in site, run, DO NOT walk, towards it to kill it. Run as fast as your super human abilities allow.”

    Current score: 2

    Kyle Stewart [12/01/2004]

  10. step 1: Travel to a southern africa country. if you can’t decide which one, just pick the one that sounds the prettiest.
    step 2: Overthrow the current gov’t there. shouldn’t take much effort, a musket maybe.
    step 3: Expand your empire
    step 4: Declare yourself king and Jenna Jameson your queen

    Current score: 2

    Matt [11/11/2003]

  11. Who says it has to be OUR world? Conquer Mars!

    Current score: 2

    Supreme Martian [10/11/2003]

  12. Bribe all the heads of state, and every member of every Parliment, and Supreme Court on earth to step down and give your their position. Then vote unanimously to make yourself the Supreme ruler, and find it constitutional.

    Current score: 0

    Kyle Stewart [05/11/2003]

  13. Steps to quick and easy world domination
    (for children under 10, why must adults have all the fun?)

    1. Save up pocket money and purchase a mobile phone.
    2. Hold it next to your head until a tumor appears.
    3. Get someone to nominate yourself for a ‘sick kiddies’ wish program thing… (this plan will ultimately work better if the show goes to air live and has a large audience)
    4. When you are asked what you wish for, simply state that you wish to be in control of the entire world… (make sure that you look as cute and pathetic as possible)
    5. The ‘bleeding heart’ producers will give in to your demands (who could say no to someone in your condition?)… and you now have control of the world.
    6. Make sure that you commission the worlds best scientists to come up with a cure for your tumor (or otherwise it might be a fairly short reign)
    7. Once you are cured, and have lost your youthfull-cuteness, make sure that you maintain your power with an army of radioactive mooses
    8. … enjoy!
    Current score: 0

    molly jones [02/11/2003]

  14. Search everyones homes telling them you are looking for Al Qaeda. Take everything they own when you leave. Do this to every house in the world. When you have all everyone’s stuff tell everyone they can have it back if they accept you as supreme ruler. Once they do, keep their stuff just to be evil.

    Current score: 0

    Grand High Llama [31/10/2003]

  15. Kill Bush and fake his will saying he leaves everything to you. Once you are president, give all the little countries nukes but make sure half the nukes won’t launch. Then tell the little countries to destroy all big countries. (Except US duh.) Sit back and laugh while they all kill themselves. Get the people left to elect you king because you stop the war. When you die, give the world to me.

    Current score: 0

    Grand High Llama [30/10/2003]

  16. Step One: Become President.
    Step Two: Beat up a bunch of little countries you dont like.
    Step Three… Oh wait, Bush is already doing that! Shit! Never mind.

    Current score: 5

    Grand High Llama [30/10/2003]

  17. Step One: Become immortal.
    Step Two: go back in time and find the earliest humans.
    Step Three: Convince them that you are their ruler.
    Step Four: Rule mankind for all of eternity. Muahahahahaha…

    Current score: 0

    Pickle Viktor [24/10/2003]

  18. Wear a black cape. Obtain glowing red eyes.

    Current score: 0

    Tom De Smedt [10/10/2003]

  19. Step 1: Buy some houseplants and feed them great amounts of growth hormone. When they become carnivorous, invite an annoying wealthy person over and feed them to the plants–no body for evidence! Take their wallet. Repeat until rich.
    Step 2: Buy killer robots with your riches. Take killer robots and parachute into the mountains of Switzerland. Proceed to take over in a violent coup.
    Step 3: Ransack Swiss banks, then sell the country to a rich optometrist, gaining great amounts of money. Use money to combine the might of the killer robot army into one mighty war machine.
    Step 4: Take over world (except for Switzerland – hey, you have to honor your agreements.)

    Current score: 2

    Stinky Skunk [20/09/2003]

  20. Have a bake sale!

    Current score: 0

    scott quick [15/08/2003]

  21. Steal everyones left shoe!

    Current score: 1

    diana muahaha [12/07/2003]

  22. Set up speakers all around the world. Then threaten to continuously play bands Cher. Don’t stop ’til they give you the world. It worked at Waco. (Uou might also need ear muffs.)

    Current score: 0

    me again [29/06/2003]

  23. First, become everyone’s friend. Then, once they all trust you, chomp them into submission. Muwahahahaha…

    Current score: 0

    Kate Peterson [07/05/2003]

  24. Make a list of every person alive. Then kill each one in alphabetical order or buy them a Celine Dion cd and let them do the hard work.

    Current score: 0

    john Not’tellin’ya [30/04/2003]

  25. Start with the Ocean…nip to the seaside, and in the sea place a flag, thus making all the water in the world yours. Hey presto…it’s not quite the whole world, but it’s 80%.

    Current score: 0

    Jim the talking Siberian tiger [05/03/2003]

  26. Start World War Three, then use the peoples’ desire to avoid war to take control.

    Current score: 0

    Some Bozo [04/03/2003]

  27. Clone Hitler and use mind control to keep him in your control

    Current score: 0

    Christopher Whitfield [26/02/2003]

  28. 1. Build a time machine
    2. Go back to when dinosaurs ruled the earth
    3. Steal eggs and raise a dinosaur army
    4. Use the time maching to transport you and your new army to a time when armies weren’t strong enough to kill dinosaurs
    5. Conquer all the land
    6. Make everyone grovel before you and have them avert their eyes when looking at you.

    Current score: 0

    Future Ruler of The World [24/02/2003]

  29. Program all furby’s to kill, no one suspects the furby (or the butterfly – but there harder to program and don’t live very long). Then when people are terrified of furby’s bargain for world domination. If they say no – keep the furby’s coming!

    Current score: 0

    Kitty Sedai [13/02/2003]

  30. step 1: obtain large amount of a highly addictive substance.

    step 2: insert in food/beverage product and sell for a retardly low price.

    step 3: once society becomes dependent on your product raise the price.

    step 4: use your new found revenue stream to buy weapons to takeover the world.

    Current score: 0

    silversociety [03/02/2003]

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