How To Achieve World Domination

November 1st, 1999
Bill Gates looking angry

Bill Gates: an evil overlord?

Do you want to be the all-powerful overlord of Earth?

Do you long to command armies to do your bidding?

Would you like gorgeous models to massage you erotically for days on end?

Follow the Gorskys’ tips on how to achieve world domination, and you can have it all.

  • Shave your head. Evil overlords look considerably more potent when blessed with advanced male-pattern baldness.
  • Devise an innovative plan to take control of the world’s infrastructure. Threatening to detonate a nuclear device and thereby pollute the world’s atmosphere just won’t cut it any more. France has been doing it for years, and no one gives a toss.
  • Be creative. Holding all the world’s toilet paper to ransom might be clever, but imagine how much more effective you’d be if you infected the water supply with laxatives first.
  • Threatening to tickle the President of the USA is unlikely to have you appointed Supreme Commander of Planet Earth.
  • Hire minions who can actually hit their targets. Most failed evil geniuses seem to hire cross-eyed sharp-shooters who can’t hit an elephant from one pace. These employment practices, while low cost, simply allow plans to be thwarted with ease.
  • Beware of anyone named James Bond or Batman. They will thwart your plans. If you do capture them, kill them immediately. Whatever you do, don’t give them a detailed explanation of your plan.
  • Make a budget and stick to it. We got this from an article in Cosmo, but it applies as much to potential All Powerful Rulers as the personal assistant on a savings plan. It’s no use getting halfway through building your doomsday device only to approach the bank for a loan of $58 billion because you over-spent on the catering. Bank managers are notorious for their lack of insight an imagination, and will probably refuse the loan.
  • A sausage sizzle to raise funds for your evil plans is unlikely to be effective. You will probably need to hold a series. Say the first Sunday of every month for the next 80 years.
How To Achieve World Domination

Your Tips on How To Achieve World Domination

  1. Step 1. achieve imortaltity.
    Step 2.Get a steady job at a small company then work your way up in a few thousand years you will be promoted to ruler of the universe.

    Current score: 0

    Faust Lenoir [05/01/2003]

  2. Threaten to drop a fat bloke on every country in the world – it’s more effective and cheaper than anything else

    Current score: 0

    James McAteer [05/01/2003]

  3. Step 1. Kill 1 person.
    Step 2. Repeat Step 1 6billion times.
    Step 3. Declare yourself ruler.

    Current score: 0

    Stalin [05/01/2003]

  4. Take over the cable TV sytem and play nothing but the emergency brodcast sytem all the time. Say "I’ll stop if you give me complete power and follow my every comand". And get a satellite so you can turn their TV’s on all the time. And then get Jennifer Lopez naked and… well you know the rest.

    Current score: 0

    Silent Bob [05/01/2003]

  5. Don’t let some young upstart who you "think" won’t be able to destroy you into your throneroom. And don’t leave yourself with just him and his father, even if his father is one of your minions!

    Current score: 0

    AJ [05/01/2003]

  6. Hire hundreds of old people with cats to repeatedly stroke them forever thus creating static electricity. Once enough power is generated it will power the worlds biggest death ray obtained from grandfathers gunshed. you can then hold the world to ransom…simple but effective.

    Current score: 2

    Ben Whitfield [05/01/2003]

  7. Tell everyone to obey every single thing that you say! If they all say no, then tell them not to obey every single thing that you say, reverse psychology supposidly works well. Though if you hypnotize the world first, then do the reverse psychology, I’m sure you’ll run into a lot of problems.

    Current score: 0

    Peng-Wan Tonic [05/01/2003]

  8. Just ask for it politely. It can’t ever hurt just to ask, and maybe nobody’s asked in just the right way before.

    Current score: 0

    newgodsend [05/01/2003]

  9. Get the biggest gun. Don’t be afraid to use it.

    Current score: 0

    John Einstman [05/01/2003]

  10. Two words….. free booze.

    Current score: 0

    Nathan Randall [05/01/2003]

  11. Remove all the exit signs from major political buildings, now the politicians can not escape and starve, leaving the world free for the taking.

    Current score: 0

    Dom [05/01/2003]

  12. Design a small moon base. Construct it on the moon. Expand the base using the materials already on the moon. Aquire billions of mols of graviton particles. Set this station of particles away from the moon as to slow its velocity and thus its angular momentum. Slowly but surely the moon will descend to earth gaining velocity. Eventually it will collide with the earth in a catostrophic explosion killing all. Return to earth and claim it for yourself.

    Current score: 0

    Kyle Hardy [05/01/2003]

  13. Adopt a semi-european, middle Eastern, partially mexican accent. Withe a lisp or stutter. Only then can you appeal to all the countries of the world. And sound really cooool

    Current score: 0

    Gregor Mckay [05/01/2003]

  14. Get five girls together, write some hypnotic lyrics, brainwash the media into thinking they are the ‘next big thing’, saturate every form of media with stories/images/music/etc aboout them, make one of them an ambassador to the UN, Oh hang on… It’s been done already, hasn’t it. Ummm, how about three boys? Get them young, say pre-pubescent….I give up. Who wants to run this crummy world anyway?

    Current score: 0

    Ron Bingham [05/01/2003]

  15. Raise money by holding a cake sale then when all the cakes are sold buy more with the profits and sell them again.after a year of doing this taking over the world will be easy because everyone will be too fat to do anything about except sit there.remember to lower there self esteem by having big load speakers and calling them fat fools all the time

    Current score: 0

    Ken Walsh [05/01/2003]

  16. Sell everyone moonshine and when they’re drunk, tell them to fill their pants with whisky. Then they won’t have pants and you’ll be the only one with pants and everyone will worship you.

    Current score: 0

    Rosqa The Romanian Gypsy Child [05/01/2003]

  17. Make several thousand clones of yourself and put them into positions of world power (you can overlook the Canadian Prime Minister). Once intigrated, voila! You will be ruler of the world!

    Current score: 0

    McLeud [05/01/2003]

  18. Fool Bill Gates into giving his fortune to you. To do this make a legal form that says he’ll hand over all that he owns. Tell him it is just a routine document to sign. No one really looks at the fine print these day anyway. From there, buy the U.S. and proceed to take over the world one country at a time telling them you want to be their friend.

    Current score: 0

    aperson alvitch [05/01/2003]

  19. Convince a major science company to take you in and run bizzare experiments with wasps. An accident is BOUND to occur, transforming you into some kind of wasp like creature with super wasp powers!
    Hell even if you don’t take over the world it’ll be fun!

    Current score: 0

    Daniel Burnett [05/01/2003]

  20. Destroy world, then threaten to destroy again if they don’t obey!

    Current score: 0

    Dr. Isaac Badman [05/01/2003]

  21. Tell everyone, " Humans… I am your father! Join me, and together we can rule this planet as father and children!
    Cutting off one hand of everyone in the world is optional.

    Current score: 0

    Keith Adams [05/01/2003]

  22. Offer everyone in the world a low cost trip to the moon or mars and threaten never to let them come back unless they bow down to you and follow your every command

    Current score: 0

    Benjamin Ray [05/01/2003]

  23. Most Rulers are partial to cats. My suggestion is name it Mr. Puddles. No one likes a tight ass King (or Queen) of the world.

    Current score: 0

    Judith [05/01/2003]

  24. You need a scar. A scar and a naked cat. Sometimes these do not have to be mutually exclusive! Why stop at taking over the world? Take over the universe… but then you’ll be needing a Death Star, a raspy helmet and a long lost son by the name of Luke.

    Current score: 0

    Lauren [05/01/2003]

  25. Okay, you market a sunscreen to the world, but it’s no ordinary sunscreen. When people apply it to them selves, they go into a hypnotic trance and you can assume world power!

    Current score: 0

    Sean [05/01/2003]

  26. Hire half the world to be independent prosecutors. Then charge them with investigating the other half of the world. Of course when the second half has been duly destroyed you can just throw out the prosecutors reports.

    Current score: 0

    David Scott [05/01/2003]

  27. Win the title match in the World Domination Series.

    Current score: 0

    Julie Watts [05/01/2003]

  28. Have friends spread the good word.

    Current score: 0

    Joe Loschiavo [05/01/2003]

  29. Construct a gigantic wooden horse, deliver it to the world as a present. Meanwhile you and your henchmen are hiding in the horse and when the world goes to sleep, you sneak out and burn much of it to the ground…everyone will then bow down infear of your cleverness

    Current score: 2

    Tony Moss [05/01/2003]

  30. Construct a gigantic wooden horse, deliver it to the world as a present. Meanwhile you and your henchmen are hiding in the horse and when the world goes to sleep, you sneak out and burn much of it to the ground…everyone will then bow down infear of your cleverness

    Current score: 4

    Tony Moss [05/01/2003]

Got a great tip on how to achieve World Domination?

Comment