How To Achieve World Domination

November 1st, 1999
Bill Gates looking angry

Bill Gates: an evil overlord?

Do you want to be the all-powerful overlord of Earth?

Do you long to command armies to do your bidding?

Would you like gorgeous models to massage you erotically for days on end?

Follow the Gorskys’ tips on how to achieve world domination, and you can have it all.

  • Shave your head. Evil overlords look considerably more potent when blessed with advanced male-pattern baldness.
  • Devise an innovative plan to take control of the world’s infrastructure. Threatening to detonate a nuclear device and thereby pollute the world’s atmosphere just won’t cut it any more. France has been doing it for years, and no one gives a toss.
  • Be creative. Holding all the world’s toilet paper to ransom might be clever, but imagine how much more effective you’d be if you infected the water supply with laxatives first.
  • Threatening to tickle the President of the USA is unlikely to have you appointed Supreme Commander of Planet Earth.
  • Hire minions who can actually hit their targets. Most failed evil geniuses seem to hire cross-eyed sharp-shooters who can’t hit an elephant from one pace. These employment practices, while low cost, simply allow plans to be thwarted with ease.
  • Beware of anyone named James Bond or Batman. They will thwart your plans. If you do capture them, kill them immediately. Whatever you do, don’t give them a detailed explanation of your plan.
  • Make a budget and stick to it. We got this from an article in Cosmo, but it applies as much to potential All Powerful Rulers as the personal assistant on a savings plan. It’s no use getting halfway through building your doomsday device only to approach the bank for a loan of $58 billion because you over-spent on the catering. Bank managers are notorious for their lack of insight an imagination, and will probably refuse the loan.
  • A sausage sizzle to raise funds for your evil plans is unlikely to be effective. You will probably need to hold a series. Say the first Sunday of every month for the next 80 years.
How To Achieve World Domination