Joke Collection (9)

January 1st, 1990

Jokes Pages: [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11] [12] [13]

The GORSKYS.COMedy Jokes Collection is a range of old jokes sent in by readers in the late 90′s. We no longer accept jokes as we have since vowed to write our own instead.


A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller’s name is Patricia Whack. So he says, “Ms. Whack, I’d like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long holiday”
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says,
“Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she’ll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says: “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral.” She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what the heck is this?”
The bank manager looks back at her and says:”It’s a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone”.
Robyn
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Did you hear about the two antennae that got married?
The wedding was shit, but the reception was fantastic.
Chris
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Things to do in K-Mart
Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they don’t realise it.
Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him “I need some tampons.” (Extra points for this one if you’re male.)
Try on bras over top of your clothes.
Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the rest rooms.
While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible “I smell sex and candy”
Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, “I think we’ve got a Code 3 in Homewares,” and see what happens.
Tune all the radios to a line-dancing station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to “10.”
Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
Test the fishing rods and see what you can “catch” from the other aisles.
Put M&M’s on lay-by.
Move “Caution: Wet Floor” signs to carpeted areas.
Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you’ll only invite them in if they bring pillows >from another aisle.
Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
Nonchalantly “test” the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry loudly: “Why won’t you people just leave me alone?”
Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
While handling knives in the Outdoors section, suddenly ask the attendant if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
Switch the Men’s and Women’s signs on the doors of the rest rooms.
Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from “Mission Impossible.”
Set up a “Valet Parking” sign in front of the store.
In the auto department, practice your “Gaultieresque-Madonna” look with various funnels.
Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like “Pick me!!, Pick me!!”.
When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the foetal position and scream, “No, no! It’s those voices again!”
Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don’t get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
Email
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Jill was on her deathbed with her husband, Bob, maintaining a steady vigil by her side. As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face, splashed onto her face, and roused her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly.
“My darling Bob,”she whispered.
“Hush, my love,” he said. “Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don’t talk.”
But she was insistent. “Bob,” she said in a tired voice. “I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you.”
“There’s nothing to confess,” replied the weeping Bob. “It’s all right. Everything’s all right, go to sleep now.”
“No, no. I must die in peace, Bob. I slept with your brother, your best friend and our next door neighbour.”
Bob mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand.
“Hush now, Jill, don’t torment yourself. I know all about it,” he said. “Why do you think I poisoned you?
Bobby
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One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. Reverend,” she said, “I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It’s very embarrassing. What should I do?”
“I have an idea,” said the minister. “Take this hat pin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg.”
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this,the preacher put his plan to work. “And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?” he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
“Jesus!”, Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hat pin.
“Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones,” said the minister.
Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. “Who is your redeemer?” he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
“God!” Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hat pin.
“Right again,” said the minister, smiling.
Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hat pin again.
The minister asked, “And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?”
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, “You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I’ll break it in half and shove it up your ass!”
“Amen,” replied the women of the congregation.
Email
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“Have you heard the latest blonde joke”
“hey I’m a blonde”
“sorry I forgot I will tell it slowly and explain the big words”
Anonymous
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A man is walking along a beach with two lobsters in his hands. Suddenly a Department of Conservation official leaps out from behind some rocks with a clipboard and pen.
“Hey! Those lobsters are undersized. I’m gonna have to fine you for this!”
“What?” The man says. “No, you got it wrong. These are my pets.”
“What?”
“Yeah! I bring em down to the beach every day, let them into the water, watch them swim around and after two hours I whistle and they come back to me and I take em home. The salt water does them good.”
“I don’t believe you!”
“Here, I’ll prove it, says the man.” He walks over and lets the two lobsters loose.
“Ok,” Says the official. “Let’s see you call the lobsters back.”
“What lobsters?”
Ryan Wolf
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The TRUE ending to “the Empire Strikes Back”
A furious lightsaber duel is underway. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader, chops off Luke’s hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there’s nowhere to go but straight down.
Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.
Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!
Darth Vader: No… I am your father!
Luke: No, it’s not true! It’s impossible.
Darth Vader: Search your feelings… you know it to be true…
Luke: NO!
Darth Vader: Yes, it is true.. and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?
Luke: Threepio?
Darth Vader: Yes… Threepio… I built him… when I was 7 years old…
Luke: No…
Darth Vader: Seven years old? And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn’t even levitate your own ship out of the swamp…
Luke: I destroyed your precious Death Star!
Darth Vader: When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!
Luke: Well, it’s not my fault…
Darth Vader: Oh, here we go… “Poor me… my father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday… boo hoo, my daddy’s the Dark Lord of the Sith… waahhh wahhh!”
Luke: Shut up…
Darth Vader: You’re a slacker! By the time I was you’re age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!
Luke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar’s Canyon!
Darth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor… 10 years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open… Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer… right here baby!
Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.
Darth Vader: I was wrong… You’re not my kid… I don’t know whose you are, but you sure ain’t mine…
Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft.
Darth Vader looks after him.
Darth Vader: Get a haircut!
Email
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Three guys are out in the desert and they come across this sign that is sitting in front of this white line in the sand.
The sign says, “if you make a statement, and cross this line, that statement will come true”…so the first guy says, “I want a hot girl to take me home and have sex with me all night”…so he crosses the line and this gorgeous blonde appears and they walk off together.
The second guy says, “I want a Ferrari”, so he crosses the line, and poof, a Ferrari appears and he drives off.
So the third guy is thinking… and he finally decides what he wants and as he is getting ready to walk across the line he trips and says ” oh shit!” and he falls over the line, and turns into a turd where he dries out in the desert for eternity.
Brad Spahr
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Make the woman happy
Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, but that’s the way the game is played!
Here is a guide to the point system:
Simple Duties-
Social Engagements-
Her Birthday-
A Night Out With The Boys:
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A Night Out-
Your Physique-
The Big Question-
Communication-
Bobby
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An Irishman’s been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.
“So, you’ve been out drinking again!!”
“What makes you say that?” he asks as he puts on an innocent look.
“The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again.”
Adrienne Beiles
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In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit’s end trying to control them.
Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The father replied, “Sure, do that before I kill them!”
The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest.
The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind.
For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, “Where is God?”
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.
Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, “Where is God?”
Again the boy looked all around but said nothing.
A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy’s nose, and asked, “Where is God?”
The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, “We are in BIG trouble!”
The older boy asked, “What do you mean, BIG trouble?”
His brother replied, “God is missing and they think we did it.”
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A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should come bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
“Are you the landlord?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
“Actually, no” he replies.
“Can you get him for me – I need to speak to him?” she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
“I’m afraid I can’t” breathes the barman – clearly aroused. “Is there anything I can do?”
“Yes there is. I need you to give him a message” she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
“Tell him that there is no loo paper in the ladies”
Email
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What’s thick and white and runs down the inside of a toilet?
George Michael’s latest release.
Rich
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Why don’t women fart as much as men?
Because they don’t shut up long enough to build up the pressure.
Rich
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Q: How many Artists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None they all think it really works.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fish.
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Clubbers in the north of England have taken to injecting ecstacy directly
into their mouths. The process is known as E-by’gum.
Stephen Vale

Joke Collection (9)  

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