Joke Collection (7)

January 1st, 1990

Jokes Pages: [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11] [12] [13]

The GORSKYS.COMedy Jokes Collection is a range of old jokes sent in by readers in the late 90′s. We no longer accept jokes as we have since vowed to write our own instead.

The GORSKYS.COMedy Jokes Collection is a range of old jokes sent in by readers in the late 90′s. We no longer accept jokes as we have since vowed to write our own instead.


The Professor and 3 College Students

It was friday and class had just gotten out, but before the 3 biggest slackers in the calss could escape the classrom a their physics teacher reminded them of the upcoming final on monday. So later that night they went out and partied, they repeated the same saturday and said theres no way were parying on sunday night. So it 6 PM and the boys are about to study for thier final, after about 5 minutes of studying they get a call inviting them to this great party. Sure enough the 3 guys run off to the party. So the next morning that they get up early and tell the professor they need sometime to study because of a last minute crisis last night

The professor asks what the crisis was. Blankly, one of the boys answered a relative had a delayed flight because of poor weather conditions in Chicago and she needed to be picked up from the airport that night, so the boy continued saying that they got a flat tire and didnt have any spares and waited several hours through the night for a tow truck. os the professor gives the to 4 PM that day. So the boys study thier Asses off. Eventually it comes time for the final and puts each boy in a different room. So one boy starts the test and see a simple question: Which of the followeing best definest gravity… and so on, so he comes to the end of the test, this question is worth 50% OF THE TEST. So he thinks how this one must be tough, so he reads the question: Which tire was flat?

Doug Linker


The Jewish Beer Awards Caremony

And now for best brewed beer…

He-brews

And now for best light tasting beer

Is-Real-lites

Doug Linker


Some time ago Mr Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement at short notice.

The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking man named Jon.

The President voiced his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the best they could do at such short notice.

Just before the meal, the Presient noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to the chief of staff about the cook, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef.

The meal went OK but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.

It was getting worse and worse till finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end and this made him feel even worse. By now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that couldn’t remember which door led to the bathroom.

He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened and as he undid his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky’s office with his trousers around his knees.

As he was just about passout, she bent over him and heard her president whisper in a barely audible voice, “sack my cook”.

Email


Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man:

  1. Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won’t have to sleep in the wet spot.
  2. Cucumbers don’t play the guitar and try to find themselves.
  3. You won’t find out later that your cucumber (a) is married, (b) is on penicillin, (c) likes you — but loves your brother!
  4. A cucumber won’t care what time of the month it is.
  5. A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet.
  6. Cucumbers don’t say “Let’s keep trying until we have a boy”.
  7. Cucumbers won’t tell you size doesn’t count.
  8. A cucumber won’t leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
  9. Cucumbers don’t fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow.
  10. Cucumbers don’t care if you make more money than they do.
  11. With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.

Norrin Radd


By picking your favourite coloured teletubbie there is so much one can tell about you.

Okay pick your colour

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

If you picked purple you are gay

If you picked green you are gay

If you picked yellow you are gay

If you picked red you too are also gay

Cooper


A guy staggers out of a bar in the early hours after a heavy night on the grog. He sees this nun standing on the corner, she’s in his way. He clocks the nun in the face with a clenched fist. Subsequently, she drops in a messy heap:

“not so tough tonight Batman!”

ben prebemi’moo


Children’s Books that didn’t make it

  1. You Are Different and That’s Bad
  2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
  3. Dad’s New Wife Robert
  4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
  5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
  6. The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking
  7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
  8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
  9. All Cats Go to Hell
  10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
  11. Some Kittens Can Fly
  12. That’s it, I’m Putting You Up for Adoption
  13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
  14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
  15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
  16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
  17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
  18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
  19. You Were an Accident
  20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
  21. Pop! Goes The Hamster…And Other Great Microwave Games
  22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
  23. Your Nightmares Are Real
  24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
  25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
  26. Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
  27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
  28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
  29. Green Eggs and Crack

Email


A murderer is taking a little girl into the forest.

Little girl: I’m scared!!

Murderer: How d’ya think I feel? I’ve gotta walk back on my own!

Simon Hannon


A man visits his doctor and complains that he is not feeling well. The doctor examines him and tells him “There’s nothing wrong with you”.

“I don’t accept that” says the man. “I want a second opinion”.

“Very well”, says the doctor, and whistles loudly.

Through the door comes a large Labrador dog who circles round the man, sniffing at him, then quietly walks away.

“There, you see”, says the doctor, “he also found nothing wrong with you”.

“I’m still not satisfied” says the man, “I insist on yet another opinion!”

“Very well” says the doctor, and calls into the room a large Persian cat. This warily circles the man and then, with nose and tail in the air leaves the room.

The doctor says “You see, nothing wrong!”

The man says “Look, I’ve had enough of this nonsense,” and leaves the surgery in high dudgeon.

His anger is compounded when, a few days later, he receives an enormous bill of $300 for the visit.

On examining it closely he finds it itemised into three amounts:-

Consultation – $100

Lab test – $100

Cat scan – $100


The LAPD, FBI and the CIA were all to prove that they were the best at apprehending criminals. The President decided to give them a test. He released a white rabbit into a forest and each of them had to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all the plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they bomb the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They make no apologies; the rabbit had it coming. The LAPD go in. They come out after just two hours, with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, “Okay, okay, I’m a rabbit, I’m a rabbit”.

The Australian Prime Minister hears about this and decides to test Australian Law Enforcement Agencies. He releases a white rabbit into the forest just outside Canberra.

The Victorian Police go in. They return 15 minutes later with a koala, a kangaroo and a tree fern all shot to pieces. “They looked like dangerous rabbits, we had to act in self defence” is their explanation.

The NSW Police go in. Surveillance tapes later reveal top ranking officers and rabbits dancing naked around a gum tree stoned out of their brains. F***ing, s**t, F**k up the stupid f**ker” is the only intelligible phrase picked up by the microphone.

The Queensland Police go in. Shortly afterwards, they come out driving a brand new Mercedes, scantily clad rabbits draped all over them. The QLD Premier congratulates them on maintaining traditional family values.

The NCA couldn’t catch the rabbit, but promise if they are given a budget increase they can recover 90 million from the rabbit in unpaid taxes and proceeds of crime.

The Western Australia police went into the forest and caught the white rabbit, but the rabbit inexplicably hung itself in the cell when the attending officer “slipped out momentarily” for a cup of coffee.

The NT and SA police join forces to belt the crap out of every rabbit in the forest except the white one. They know it is the black ones who cause all the trouble.

The Australian Federal Police refuses to go. They examine the issues, particularly cost and decide that because of the low priority and cost to the organisation as a whole, the matter should be rejected and returned to the referring department for investigation.

ASIO went to the wrong forest.


morton went to the doctor and asked if he could help him,

“whats the problem morton”,said the doctor.

“well”,said morton,”everytime i touch my arm with my finger it hurts”.

“oh”,said the doctor.

“and every time i touch my chest with my finger it hurts”.

“ohh”,said the doctor looking puzzled.

“yeah and when i touch my leg with my finger it hurts too”.

“do you know what the problem is doc”

“yeah morton” said the doctor, “you got a broken finger”

matthew ballard


Joke Collection (7)  

Comments are closed.