Joke Collection (6)

January 1st, 1990

Jokes Pages: [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11] [12] [13]

The GORSKYS.COMedy Jokes Collection is a range of old jokes sent in by readers in the late 90′s. We no longer accept jokes as we have since vowed to write our own instead.


Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

A: The swallow.

Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?

A: It’s not real bright, but it’s cheap, and spreads easy.

Anonymous

The Ages of Woman:

  1. Between the ages of 13 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.
  2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.
  3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.
  4. Between the ages of 46 and 56 she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.
  5. After 56 she is like Australia; everybody knows it’s down there but who gives a damn?

The Ages of Man:

  1. Between 16 and 26: Tri-weekly
  2. Between 27 and 46: Try weekly
  3. Over 47: Try weakly

Anonymous

Two guys were walking along a road when one points out a dog who is licking his private parts.

One guy says, “Oh man, I wish I could do that!”.

Then the other guy says, “Well, I think you should at least become friends with the dog first, don’t you?”

paulshayne

A man was sent to war in the middle east. Upon entering the camp he is greeted by his superior who informs him that this is a peaceful camp and if he should ever become horny that the answer to all his problems was located behind the camp wall. When he looked over the wall he saw a huge hairy camel and vowed that he would never become horny here and that he could wait until he got home.

Two weeks passe and he soon became extremely horny so he tolded one of his mates his problem. The other guy said ” No problem. Just look over that wall there and there is the answer to all your problems.”

The guys face lights up with joy and he ran over to the wall expecting to see something different but it was still the same old camel. He thought no way in hell and went about his business.

A month later he couldn’t take it anymore. He asked another guy what to do and he said “Behind the wall is the answer to all your problems.” The guy sighed but was so horny he deceided to do it. He climbed the wall and wailed the camel good and hard until he was satisfied.

As he walked back to camp he stopped to tell his mate ” You were right.” to which his mate replied “Oh you finally took the camel to the whores house?”

Debra McGracken

A guy named Jack was having an affair with a married woman. He was at her house one night while her husband was away on business and they were really into making love when they heard the front door open.

“Oh no! It’s my husband!” the woman said.” He’ll kill you. Quick I’ve got an idea.”

The woman took him into the bathroom and rubbed baby oil all over him and then proceeded to pat him all over with white powder. She took him back into the bedroom shoved him into the corner and told him to stand as still as he could, like a statue.

Just in time she turned around to great her husband. He smiled and gave her a big hug. “Hi honey I’ve missed you while I’ve been away.”

“Yes,” she replied ” I though you would be back days ago.”

Just then the husband noticed Jack. “What is that?”

The woman quickly said “It’s a new age statue. The Jones in 3A have one just like it and I thought it would be a good idea for us to get one. ”

“Oh all right ” he said “Whatever makes you happy.”

Later on that night after they had gone to bed Jack was still in the corner trying to be as still as he could. Then the husband got up and went into the kitchen. He made and sandwich and opened a beer from the fridge. He came back into the bedroom and walked straight up to “the statue”

“Here mate.” he said” I was over at the Jone’s house for four days without so much as a glass of water.”

Debra McGracken

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a duck?

A: A lawyer can shove his bill up his ass!

Roger Jewell

A woman walking past a pet shop sawa a sign that said “tit sucking frogs”.

She went in to buy one and the Pet shop owner gave her a little green frog.

She took it home, got undressed, and waited for the frog. Nothing happened.

She calls up the pet shop owner and comes around to her house. He picks up the frog and says, ” Now this is the last time I’m going to show you how to do this”

Sarah and Michelle

This man is walking his dog, he sees a pub on the corner and decides to go in for a drink. When he gets inside the owner comes up to him and tells him dogs aren’t allowed. ” But this is a seeing eye dog, I’m blind”. So the owner sits him down and gets him a free drink.

As he’s walking out he sees his friend walking his dog. He tells him of the free drink. His friend walks into the pub and the owner comes over and tells him dogs aren’t allowed. He says ” But this is a seeing eye dog, I’m blind”. He says “but your dog is a chiuwawa.”

He says” They gave me a chiuwawa!”

Michelle and Sarah

Q: What’s the smartest thing to come out of a woman’s mouth?

A: Albert Einstein’s dick.

Sam Glantzow

An office manager hires a new secretary. Her first day she’s called into the office to take some dictation. While she’s taking dictation, she notices the guy’s fly is open. Not wanting to embarass her boss she says nothing until she’s leaving.

At the door, she turns and says “By the way sir, your barracks door is open.” He looks at her funny but she’s already walked out.

A while later he happens to glance down and notice his fly is open. He decides to have a little fun with her on her first day so he calls her back into the office.

“By the way Ms. Jones, when you saw my barracks door open, did you also happen to see a soldier standing at attention?”

She replied “Why no sir! But I did see a disabled vet sitting on two old duffle bags!

Anonymous

Little Johnny’s riding his bike around the Catholic school yard, when one of the nuns asks “have you a license to ride in the school little Johnny?”

Johnny takes out a slip of paper which the nun reads.

“That’s fine, me boy” she says and off he goes.

Next break, another nun asks the same and little Johnny shows his license once more. Later in the day Johnny rides by the bike shed, under which is sat a priest with his knob in his hand.

“Can you come over here for a few minutes please, little Johnny?”

“Oh no” thinks Johnny, “NOT THE BREATHERLYSER AGAIN!!!”

Peter Ryan

What’s better than winning gold at the paralympics?

Walking.

How do you make a woman come?

Who cares?

Anonymous

Q: How do you control a fast woman in Arkansas?

A: Put a Governor on her.

Linda Walker

Two young boys were playing football in a park in Washington D,C, one pretty day, and as they were playing a huge Rottwieller came from no where and attacked one of the boys.

The other boy, seeing his best friend was in serious trouble, pried a board loose from a nearby bench and went to help his buddy. He took the board and put it under the collar of the dog, pried up and twisted it, breaking the dogs neck, killing him instantly.

A local newspaper reporter saw what happened and went over to interview the hero. He asked the boy if he was a football fan and was told yes, so he wrote “Redskins fan saves friend from savage dog”.

The boy said , ” Sorry sir , but I’m not a Redskins fan.” The reporter then asked him if he was a Baltimore Ravens fan; again the boy said no.

So the reporter asked him who his favorite team was, the boy said “I really like the Dallas Cowboys sir.” So the reporter wrote, ” Redneck kills family pet.”

dvarney@charlotte.infi.net

On his death and his arrival in hell, the devil is showing his newest arrival around and tells him he will have a choice of rooms in which to pass away the time in hell. The first room the devil take him in to is boiling hot, with flames lapping the walls and engulfing the floor and the people in there look none too happy.

He passes on this room and they move on to the next room. Inside it is freezing cold, icicles hang from the ceiling and the people inside have all turned blue with cold.

The guy passes on this room too, and is starting to feel a little concerned about his fate. However, on entering the next room he sees dozens of people sitting at tables sipping cups of tea. The only downside is that there is knee deep shit on the floor. The man considers this for a moment, turns to the devil and says “It’s a bit smelly, but I think I can bear standing in shit for eternity.”

The devil smiles, shows him to a seat and disappears.

The man takes a seat, sips his tea and breathes a sigh of relief…….until the devil walks back in and says “Okay everyone, tea breaks over, BACK ON YOUR HEADS”

(knshinro@apionet.or.jp)

Q: What comes out of ant holes?

A: Cousins!

Dave, Katrina & Ben


Q: What’s black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A: A doberman.

Bob Long


Q: What did the hat say to the hatrack?

A: You stay here! I’ll go on ahead.

Danny Phipps


One day, an actress from Hollywood was driving her Eldorado Cadillac through the backroads of Georgia when she spotted two young guys out in a field plowing. Being very horney, she immediately pulled her car over onto a dirt road and motioned for the two guys to come to her.

Once they arrived at her car, she asked them, “How are you boys doing today?”

“Fine, ma’am,” they replied, “Just fine, thanks. Can we help you with something?”

She then informed them that she was indeed feeling very amourous and asked if they thought they could help her out.

“Oh yes, ma’am!” they both exclaimed, looking excited at this proposition.

“Good,” she then said. “One of you go ahead and get in the backseat of my car and we’ll get started.”

So, the first guy got into the backseat of her Cadillac and proceeded to begin when all of a sudden she stopped and said, “Here, put this on.”

“What is it?” he asked perplexed.

“It’s a rubber,” she explained. “It’s to keep you from catching any disease.”

So he put the rubber on and went to work. Afterwards, the second guy entered the car and did the same thing. Once again, before any action took place, she explained the neccessity of the rubber and he did like his buddy and put it on.

Well, after having these two guys one after the other, this Hollywood actress left the field in Georgia with a satisfied smile on her face.

Two days later, the same two guys are out in the field plowing again when one of them says to the other, “Zeb, do you feel like you catchin’ any disease?”

Zeb looks at his friend and answers, “Not that I can recollect.”

The first guy then asks him, “Well, do you think then it’ll be okay if we take these things off? I gotta piss.”

Danny Phipps


Two cows in a paddock. One of them says, ” I think I’m gonna be a leather jacket when I grow up – what about you?”

The other one says, “Well, I could be suede.”

Andrew Kelly


Q: What is red and green and lays in a gutter?

A: A wounded snot

Penny McQueen


Ain’t it Hell…

A guy dies and wakes up to find he is in hell. He’s really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor. He thinks to himself “I know I led a wild life but I wasn’t that bad. I never thought it would come to this.”

Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and a heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor.

COUNSELOR: What’s the problem, you look depressed?

GUY: Well, what do you think? I’m in hell.

COUNSELOR: Hell’s not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?

GUY: Sure, I love to drink.

COUNSELOR: Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much as you want. We party all night long. You’ll love Mondays. Do you smoke?

GUY: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

COUNSELOR: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart’s desire without worrying about cancer because you’re already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays. Do you do drugs?

GUY: Well, in my younger days I experimented a little…

COUNSELOR: You are going to love Wednesdays. That’s drug day. You can experiment with any drug you want and you don’t have to worry about overdoses or getting hooked because you are already dead! You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?

GUY: Yes, I love to gamble.

COUNSELOR: You are going to love Thursdays because we gamble all day and night. Black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay?

GUY: Well, no I’m not.

COUNSELOR: Oooh , you’re gonna hate Fridays…

Troy Taylor

Joke Collection (6)  

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