Joke Collection (5)

January 1st, 1990

Jokes Pages: [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11] [12] [13]

The GORSKYS.COMedy Jokes Collection is a range of old jokes sent in by readers in the late 90′s. We no longer accept jokes as we have since vowed to write our own instead.


Three guys – a Tasmanian, a Queenslander (or “One Nationer”) and a Victorian – are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.

“I will give you each one wish, that’s three wishes total”, says the genie.

The Tasmanian says, “I am a fisherman, my dad’s a fisherman, his dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity.”

With a blink of the genie’s eye, ‘FOOM’ the oceans were teaming with fish.

The One Nationer was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around Queensland, so that we can run our own State how we feel, and no hippie southerner can tell us what to do. I want it so nothing and no-one will get in for all eternity.”

Again, with a blink of the genie’s eye, ‘POOF’ there was a huge wall around Queensland.

The Victorian asks, “I’m very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.”

The genie explains, “Well, it’s about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out.”

The Victorian (Jeff) says, “Fill it up with water.”

- Rookie

ONE NATION MEMBERSHIP APPLICATION

Name: ________________

(_) Billy-Bob

(_) Billy-Joe

(_) Billy-Ray

(_) Billy-Sue

(_) Billy-Mae

(_) Billy-Polly

(_) Billy-Pauline

(Check appropriate box)

Age: ____

Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:

(_) Farmer

(_) Mechanic/ Taxi Driver

(_) Fish and Chip Shop Owner

(_) Skinhead

Spouse’s Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:

(_) Sister (_) Brother

(_) Aunt (_) Uncle

(_) Cousin (_) Mother

(_) Father (_) Son

(_) Daughter (_) Pet

Number of children living in household: ___

Number that are yours: ___

Mother’s Name:_______________________

Father’s Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave

> blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_)own or (_)rent your caravan? (Check

appropriate box)

___ Total number of vehicles you own

___ Number of vehicles that still crank

___ Number of vehicles in front yard

___ Number of vehicles in back yard

___ Number of vehicles on blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:

____ ute

____ truck

____ bedroom

____ bathroom

____ kitchen

____ shed

Model and year of your Ute: _____________ 194_

Do you have a gun rack? (_) Yes (_) No; please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

(_) The Truth (_) Exposure

(_) TV Week (_) Soap Opera Digest

(_) Guns & Ammo (_) Lock,Stock & Barrel

___ Number of times you’ve seen a UFO

___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis

___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:

(_)Weekly

(_)Monthly

(_)Not Applicable

Color of teeth:

(_)Yellow (_)Brownish-Yellow

(_)Brown (_)Black (_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:

(_)Red-Man

(_)Skoal

How far is your home from a paved road?

(_)1 km

(_)2 km

(_)5 km

(_)don’t know

- Paul Manuel

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. “Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?” Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um… No.”

“Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?” The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was put off. “Third, that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “Leaving her penniless with three children?”

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…” On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, “…And I don’t give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?!”

- Funny Town

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have had a really bummer day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day.

So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly asked the man, “Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going around the time you died.”

“No problem,” said the man. “Well, I came home one day to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But the lover was nowhere insight. I immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, I couldn’t find him!

“Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But, wouldn’t you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn’t die.

“This hacked me off even more. In a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. And, oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!

The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and I died almost instantly.”

The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day, and it was a crime of passion, so he announced, “OK sir, welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,” and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. “OK, here’s the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you had.

“Sure thing,” the man replied. “But you’re not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers!

“Well of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so didn’t die right away. As I’m laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!”

The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story.

“I could get used to this new policy,” he thinks to himself. “Very well,” the angel announces. “Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,”and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. “Tell me about the day you died,” said the angel.

“OK. Picture this,” says the man.

“I’m naked inside a refrigerator…”

Anonymous

Tuesday 26th May 1998, 10:55

London

A joint press Release from Buckingham Palace and Microsoft announced today that the latest operating system from Microsoft, Windows 98, is to be renamed prior to launch as “Diana, Princess of Windows”.

A spokesman for Microsoft said that this was in tribute to the late ex-royal and is a fitting name in that the product will look flash, be mostly superficial, consume vast amounts of resources and crash spectacularly.

Anonymous

The Male Stages Of Life

Age – Drink

    17 – beer

    25 – beer

    35 – vodka

    48 – double vodka

    66 – Maalox

Seduction Line

    17 – My parents are away for the weekend.

    25 – My girlfriend is away for the weekend.

    35 – My fiancee is away for the weekend.

    48 – My wife is away for the weekend.

    66 – My second wife is dead.

Favorite Sport

    17 – sex

    25 – sex

    35 – sex

    48 – sex

    66 – napping

Definition Of A Successful Date

    17 – “tongue”

    25 – “breakfast”

    35 – “She didn’t set back my therapy.”

    48 – “I didn’t have to meet her kids.”

    66 – “Got home alive.”

Favorite Fantasy

    17 – getting to third

    25 – airplane sex

    35 – menage a trois

    48 – taking the company public

    66 – Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

House Pet

    17 – roaches

    25 – stoned-out college roommate

    35 – Irish setter

    48 – children from his first marriage

    66 – Barbi

What’s The Ideal Age To Get Married?

    17 – 25

    25 – 35

    35 – 48

    48 – 66

    66 – 17

Ideal Date

    17 – Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in

    25 – “Split the check before we go back to my place”

    35 – “Just come over.”

    48 – “Just come over and cook.”

    66 – sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.

THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE

Age – Drink

    17 – Wine Coolers

    25 – White wine

    35 – Red wine

    48 – Dom Perignon

    66 – Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

Excuses For Refusing Dates

    17 – Need to wash my hair

    25 – Need to wash and condition my hair

    35 – Need to color my hair

    48 – Need to have Francois color my hair

    66 – Need to have Francois color my wig

Favorite Sport

    17 – shopping

    25 – shopping

    35 – shopping

    48 – shopping

    66 – shopping

Definition Of A Successful Date

    17 – “Burger King”

    25 – “Free meal”

    35 – “A diamond”

    48 – “A bigger diamond”

    66 – “Home Alone”

Favorite Fantasy

    17 – tall, dark and handsome

    25 – tall, dark and handsome with money

    35 – tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain

    48 – a man with hair

    66 – a man

House Pet

    17 – Muffy the cat

    25 – Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat

    35 – Irish setter and Muffy the Cat

    48 – Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat

    66 – Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat

What’s The Ideal Age To Get Married?

    17 – 17

    25 – 25

    35 – 35

    48 – 48

    66 – 66

Ideal Date

    17 – He offers to pay

    25 – He pays

    35 – He cooks breakfast the next morning

    48 – He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids

    66 – He can chew breakfast

Anonymous

Joke Collection (5)  

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