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The GORSKYS.COMedy Jokes Collection is a range of old jokes sent in by readers in the late 90’s. We no longer accept jokes as we have since vowed to write our own instead.
Three guys – a Tasmanian, a Queenslander (or “One Nationer”) and a Victorian – are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.
“I will give you each one wish, that’s three wishes total”, says the genie.
The Tasmanian says, “I am a fisherman, my dad’s a fisherman, his dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity.”
With a blink of the genie’s eye, ‘FOOM’ the oceans were teaming with fish.
The One Nationer was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around Queensland, so that we can run our own State how we feel, and no hippie southerner can tell us what to do. I want it so nothing and no-one will get in for all eternity.”
Again, with a blink of the genie’s eye, ‘POOF’ there was a huge wall around Queensland.
The Victorian asks, “I’m very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.”
The genie explains, “Well, it’s about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out.”
The Victorian (Jeff) says, “Fill it up with water.”
– Rookie
ONE NATION MEMBERSHIP APPLICATION
Name: ________________
(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Polly
(_) Billy-Pauline
(Check appropriate box)
Age: ____
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic/ Taxi Driver
(_) Fish and Chip Shop Owner
(_) Skinhead
Spouse’s Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister (_) Brother
(_) Aunt (_) Uncle
(_) Cousin (_) Mother
(_) Father (_) Son
(_) Daughter (_) Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number that are yours: ___
Mother’s Name:_______________________
Father’s Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave
> blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you (_)own or (_)rent your caravan? (Check
appropriate box)
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ ute
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed
Model and year of your Ute: _____________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack? (_) Yes (_) No; please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The Truth (_) Exposure
(_) TV Week (_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Guns & Ammo (_) Lock,Stock & Barrel
___ Number of times you’ve seen a UFO
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable
Color of teeth:
(_)Yellow (_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown (_)Black (_)N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man
(_)Skoal
How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 km
(_)2 km
(_)5 km
(_)don’t know
– Paul Manuel
The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. “Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?” Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um… No.”
“Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?” The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was put off. “Third, that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “Leaving her penniless with three children?”
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…” On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, “…And I don’t give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?!”
– Funny Town
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have had a really bummer day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day.
So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly asked the man, “Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going around the time you died.”
“No problem,” said the man. “Well, I came home one day to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But the lover was nowhere insight. I immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, I couldn’t find him!
“Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But, wouldn’t you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn’t die.
“This hacked me off even more. In a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. And, oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and I died almost instantly.”
The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day, and it was a crime of passion, so he announced, “OK sir, welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,” and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. “OK, here’s the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you had.
“Sure thing,” the man replied. “But you’re not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers!
“Well of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so didn’t die right away. As I’m laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!”
The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story.
“I could get used to this new policy,” he thinks to himself. “Very well,” the angel announces. “Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,”and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. “Tell me about the day you died,” said the angel.
“OK. Picture this,” says the man.
“I’m naked inside a refrigerator…”
Anonymous
Tuesday 26th May 1998, 10:55
London
A joint press Release from Buckingham Palace and Microsoft announced today that the latest operating system from Microsoft, Windows 98, is to be renamed prior to launch as “Diana, Princess of Windows”.
A spokesman for Microsoft said that this was in tribute to the late ex-royal and is a fitting name in that the product will look flash, be mostly superficial, consume vast amounts of resources and crash spectacularly.
Anonymous
The Male Stages Of Life
Age – Drink
- 17 – beer
25 – beer
35 – vodka
48 – double vodka
66 – Maalox
Seduction Line
- 17 – My parents are away for the weekend.
25 – My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 – My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 – My wife is away for the weekend.
66 – My second wife is dead.
Favorite Sport
- 17 – sex
25 – sex
35 – sex
48 – sex
66 – napping
Definition Of A Successful Date
- 17 – “tongue”
25 – “breakfast”
35 – “She didn’t set back my therapy.”
48 – “I didn’t have to meet her kids.”
66 – “Got home alive.”
Favorite Fantasy
- 17 – getting to third
25 – airplane sex
35 – menage a trois
48 – taking the company public
66 – Swiss maid/Nazi love slave
House Pet
- 17 – roaches
25 – stoned-out college roommate
35 – Irish setter
48 – children from his first marriage
66 – Barbi
What’s The Ideal Age To Get Married?
- 17 – 25
25 – 35
35 – 48
48 – 66
66 – 17
Ideal Date
- 17 – Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 – “Split the check before we go back to my place”
35 – “Just come over.”
48 – “Just come over and cook.”
66 – sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.
THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE
Age – Drink
- 17 – Wine Coolers
25 – White wine
35 – Red wine
48 – Dom Perignon
66 – Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
Excuses For Refusing Dates
- 17 – Need to wash my hair
25 – Need to wash and condition my hair
35 – Need to color my hair
48 – Need to have Francois color my hair
66 – Need to have Francois color my wig
Favorite Sport
- 17 – shopping
25 – shopping
35 – shopping
48 – shopping
66 – shopping
Definition Of A Successful Date
- 17 – “Burger King”
25 – “Free meal”
35 – “A diamond”
48 – “A bigger diamond”
66 – “Home Alone”
Favorite Fantasy
- 17 – tall, dark and handsome
25 – tall, dark and handsome with money
35 – tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 – a man with hair
66 – a man
House Pet
- 17 – Muffy the cat
25 – Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 – Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
48 – Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 – Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat
What’s The Ideal Age To Get Married?
- 17 – 17
25 – 25
35 – 35
48 – 48
66 – 66
Ideal Date
- 17 – He offers to pay
25 – He pays
35 – He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 – He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 – He can chew breakfast
Anonymous
Joke Collection (5)
