Joke Collection (4)

January 1st, 1990

Jokes Pages: [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11] [12] [13]

The GORSKYS.COMedy Jokes Collection is a range of old jokes sent in by readers in the late 90′s. We no longer accept jokes as we have since vowed to write our own instead.


A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, “Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball- don’t knock out any windows. It’ll cost us a fortune to fix.” The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.

The husband cringed and said, “I told you to watch out for the houses! All right, let’s go up there, apologise and see how much this is going to cost.”

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, “Come on in.”

They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, “Are you the people that broke my window?”

“Uh, yeah. Sorry about that.” the husband replied.

“No, actually I want to thank you- I’m a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You’ve released me. I’m allowed to grant three wishes-I’ll give you each one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself.”

“OK, great!” the husband said. ” I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.”

“No problem-it’s the least I could do. And you, what do you want?” the genie said, looking at the wife.

“I want a house in every country of the world,” she said.

“Consider it done.” the genie replied.

“And what’s your wish, genie?”, the husband said.

“Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle, I haven’t had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.”

The husband looks at the wife and said, “Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don’t care.”

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said “How old is your husband, anyway?”

“Thirty five.” she replied.

“And he still believes in genies – that’s amazing!”

(Pat Meldrum)



Q. What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?

A. Come behind the pyramid and i will make you a mummy.

Q. What did Newton’s cock say to Newton?

A. Fuck your law of gravity, I am going up.

Q. What is similarity between audio cassette and a girl?

A. You can use them on either side.

Harsha Vardhana .B.V



A man was on holiday in the depths of The Northern Territory where he tried to buy some Crocodile shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting “I don’t give two hoots for your shoes man. I’ll go and kill my own croc.”

To which the shopkeeper replied “By all means, just watch out for the two Marines who are doing the same. So the man went out into the Bush and after a while saw two men with spears standing still in the water.

“They must be the two Marines,” he thought. Just at that point he noticed a crocodile moving in the water towards one of them. The Marine stood completely passive as the croc came ever closer. Just as the beast was about to swallow the lad the Marine struck home with his spear and wrestled the croc up onto the beach where several already lay. Together the two Marines threw the croc onto its back Where-upon one exclaimed “Darn, this one doesn’t have any shoes either.”

Richard Kubow




A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until he finally gave in.

“OK, follow me”, he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. “Now do you see that tree over there?” he asked.

“YES, YES, YES!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

“Good,” said the first bat, “because I didn’t.”

Richard Kubow



Jimmy, a trainee paratrooper was about to perform his first jump. Being dead scared, he allowed all his other friends to jump first. As his turn came, however, he chickened out despite repeated verbal abuses from his training sergeant.

His sergeant couldn’t take it anymore and shouted, “If you don’t jump now, I’ll shove my dick up your ass!”

Relating the story to his father, Jimmy’s dad asked, “So son, did you jump after all?”

“Yeah,” Jimmy replied, “a little at first…”

Tho Loo Yee




A young French city slicker decides to have some exotic experience and enlists himself in the Foreign Legion. Two months later he’s sent to the most remote fort in the middle of the Sahara.

The first month is fun, with all the training. Of course, now he’s concerned about the lack of women around the fort… He decides to ask one of the local how they manage with it.

“Hey, Mustapha! Stop shining your boots and tell me how you can get a good fuck around here.”

“No problem to fuck…just use the camel!”

“What!! Maybe that’s good for you but I need a real woman, you pile of shit…”

“Maybe you’re upset but no other way to get a fuck around here…”

Of course the guy turns around and ends up waiting one more month before he gets to the point where he could fuck anything. He goes back to Mustapha, still shining his boots.

“OK, Mustapha, how do you REALLY get a fuck around here?” “

I told you…use the camel”

“OK, OK. But listen I don’t want you to tell ANYBODY about me using the camel. Now where is that damn camel”

“OK, I won’t tell anybody… The camel is in the barn over there, on the right”

The guy goes to the barn, finds the camel with a stool next to it. Totally disgusted, he climbs on the stool behind the camel and fucks it two or three times.

After he’s done, he walks back to Mustapha and tells him “Jesus. I feel a bit better but I don’t understand how you guys can do that with a camel.”

Suddenly surprised, Mustapha raises his head and says “Hey, what did you do? The camel is for us to go to the village to get some women…!”

forsans



A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting “I don’t give two hoots for your shoes, man, I’ll go and kill my own croc!”

To which the shopkeeper replied, “by all means, just watch out for the two Marines who are doing the same!”

So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. “They must be the two Marines,” he thought.

Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The Marine stood completely passive, as the gator came ever closer. Just as the beast was about to swallow the lad, the Marine struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several already lay.

Together the two Marines threw the gator onto its back, whereupon one exclaimed “Darn! This one doesn’t have any shoes either!”

Richard Kubow – Riverside, CA, USA



A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

“OK, follow me,” he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

“Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked.

“YES, YES, YES!!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

“Good!” said the first bat, “Because I didn’t!”

Richard Kubow – Riverside, CA, USA




A guy goes round to visit his friend, an old Jew he’s known for ages. When he gets there, the whole family of Jews are scraping the wallpaper from the rooms in the house.

“Oh”, says the guy. “I didn’t realise you were decorating.”

His Jewish friend replies, “Decorating? Say what? – No, we’re moving!”

“Jax”



A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it’s a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars the rabbi sees the priest’s collar and says “So you’re a priest. I’m a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There’s nothing left but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.”

The priest replies” I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God.”

The rabbi continues “And look at this. Here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”

Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees takes a few big swigs and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle immediately puts the cap on and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks “Aren’t you having any?”

The rabbi replies “No…I think I’ll wait for the police.”

Tim Lan



Once there were three bears…now there’s bloody millions of ‘em

Petteri Ahomaa



Real Life Cybersex

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse and a miniskirt and high heels. My measurements are 36-24-36. I work out every day. I’m toned and perfect. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I’m 6’3″ and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought at Walmart. I am also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner – it smells a little funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK.

Sweetheart: We’re in my bedroom. There’s soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I’m looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I’m gulping. I’m beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I’m pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I’m unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I’m moaning softly.

Wellhung: I’m taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I’m throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I’m rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and I accidentally rip a hole in your blouse. I’m sorry.

Sweetheart: That’s OK, it wasn’t really too expensive.

Wellhung: I’ll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don’t worry about it. I’m wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, rising and falling, as I breathe harder and harder.

Wellhung: I’m fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it’s stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I’m reaching back and undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I’m picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I’m arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I’m dropping the bra. Now I’m licking your, you know, breasts. They’re neat!

Sweetheart: I’m running my fingers through your hair. Now I’m nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I’m so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I’m wiping your spit off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I’m taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.

Sweetheart: OK. I’m pulling your sweatpants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I’m screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I’m pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I’m pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out, nibbling on your … umm … wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What’s the matter?

Wellhung: I’ve got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I’m choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I’m having a coughing fit. I’m turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I’m running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I’m fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I’m drinking a cup of water. There, that’s better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I’m washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I’m on the bed, aching for you.

Wellhung: I’m drying the cup. Now I’m putting it back in the

cabinet. And now I’m walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it’s dark. I’m lost. Where’s the bedroom.

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I’m tugging off your pants. I’m moaning. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately – our naked bodies pressing against each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don’t you take off you glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can’t see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I’m bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I’m fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom. It’s dark. I’m feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I’m waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I’m done going. I’m feeling around for the flush handle, but I can’t find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What’s the matter now?

Wellhung: I’ve realized that I’ve peed into your laundry hamper.

Sorry again. I’m walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I’m going to put my … you know … thing … in your … you know … woman’s thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I’m touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I’m having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I’m moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can’t stand it another second! Slide it in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I’m flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I’m limp. I can’t sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I’m standing up and turning around, an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I’m shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I’m going to get my glasses and see what’s wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I’m getting dressed. I’m putting on my underwear. Now I’m putting on my wet, nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I’m squinting, trying to find the night table. I’m feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I’m buttoning my blouse. Now I’m putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I’ve found my glasses. I’m putting them on. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I’m pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell. I’m logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!




Here’s a joke – The English Monarchy.

Katie Lawrence




A Doctor was asked to speak to his Rotary Club and they asked if he would speak on sex and a happy marriage. He spoke and everyone thought he did a great job. He went home that night and his wife asked if he talked to the club? he said yes? she asked what his subject was? He thought he had better not tell her what he talked about so he said that he spoke on sailing. Next day his wife met one of the Rotary men at the store and he told her what a wonderful talk her husband had made, and told her that he sure was an expert on the subject.

A kid was sitting on the side of the road. He was hold a bottle when a priest came up to him and asked what he had.

The kid replied, “Turpentine – The most powerful thing in the universe.” The priest looked in awe and said, “Son the most powerful thing in the universe is holy water, If you rub it on a pregnant woman’s belly she’ll pass a baby boy.”

The kid look up in bewilderment and said, “Shit, you rub this on a cat’s ass and it will pass a motorcycle.”

twin90s




I’M GLAD I’M A WOMAN

I’m glad I’m a woman, yes I am, yes I am.

I don’t live off Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam.

I don’t brag to my buddies about my erections

I won’t drive to Hell before asking directions.

I don’t get wasted at parties and act like a clown

and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down

I won’t grab your hooters, I won’t pinch your butt

My belt buckle’s not hidden beneath my beer gut

And I don’t go around “readjusting” my crotch

or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch

I don’t belch in public, I don’t scratch my behind

I’m a woman you see — I’m just not that kind

I’m glad I’m a woman, I’m so glad I could sing

I don’t have body hair like shag carpeting.

It doesn’t grow from my ears or cover my back

When I lean over you can’t see three inches of crack.

And what’s on my head doesn’t leave with my comb

I’ll never buy a toupee to cover my dome

Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side

I’m a woman, you know — I’ve got far too much pride

And I honestly think its a privilege for me

To have these two boobs and squat when I pee

I don’t live to play golf and shoot basketball

I don’t swagger and spit like a Neanderthal

I won’t tell you my wife just does not understand

Stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band

Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep

then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep

Yes, I’m glad I’m a woman, a woman you see,

You can forget all about that old penis envy

I don’t long for male bonding, I don’t cruise for chicks,

join the Hair Club For Men or think with my dick.

I’m a woman by chance and I’m thankful it’s true

I’m so glad I’m a woman and not a man like you!

I’M GLAD I’M A MAN

I’m glad I’m a man, you better believe

I don’t live off yogurt, diet coke or cottage cheese

I don’t bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts

I can get where I want to north, south, east or west

I don’t get wasted after only 2 beers

and when I do drink, I don’t end up in tears

I won’t spend hours deciding what to wear

I spend 5 minutes max, fixing my hair.

And I don’t go around checking my reflection

in everything shiny from every direction.

I don’t whine in public and make us leave early

and when you ask why, get all bitter and surly

I’m glad I’m a man, I’m so glad I could sing

I don’t have to sit around waiting for that ring.

I don’t gossip about friends or stab them in the back

I don’t carry our differences into the sack.

I’ll never go psycho and threaten to kill you

Or think every guy out there’s trying to steal you

I’m rational, reasonable and logical too

I know what the time is and I know what to do

And I honestly think it’s a privilege for me

to have these two balls and stand when I pee

I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball

It’s more fun that dealing with women, after all.

I won’t cry if you figure out it’s not going to work

I won’t remain bitter and call you a jerk.

Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure

I won’t assume it’s permanent by any measure

Yes, I’m glad I’m a man, a man you see

I’m glad I’m not capable of child delivery

I don’t get all bitchy every 28 days

I’m glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise

I’m a man by chance and I’m thankful it’s true

I’m so glad I’m a man and not a woman like you.

twin90s

Joke Collection (4)  

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