Joke Collection (3)

January 1st, 1990

Jokes Pages: [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11] [12] [13]

The GORSKYS.COMedy Jokes Collection is a range of old jokes sent in by readers in the late 90′s. We no longer accept jokes as we have since vowed to write our own instead.


A few days after Christmas a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with is new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said “All of you sons of bitches who want off get the hell off now ’cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on get your asses in the train ’cause we are leaving.”

The mother went in and told her son “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS! When you come out you may play with your train but I want you to use nice language.”

Two hours later the son comes out of the bedroom, and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say “All passengers who are disembarking the train please remember to take all your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with again soon.”

She heard the little boy continue ‘For those of you just boarding we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under the seat. Remember there is no smoking except in the club car. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.’

Then the child added “For those of you who are pissed off at the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen!”

Deb Zbeetnoff


What kind of a bee gives milk?

A booby.

Doug Webber


Two men walked into a bar. You think the second one would have ducked.Noah Robert-James


Two guys are walking down the street when they see a dog sitting on the middle of the sidewalk licking his balls.

“Gee! I wish I could do that.” says one. The other replies “I think you’d better try just petting him first.”

Elise H


A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again, and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested. When the case came before the court, this was the man’s reply when asked why he acted in such a manner.

“When the lady boarded the bus I couldn’t help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read “Coming Soon The Gold Dust Twins”, then she moved under one that read “Sloans Liniments Remove Swelling”. I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read “William Stick Did The Trick”. Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read “Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.”

He won the case.

Elise H


Q: What do Saddam Hussein and Little Miss Muffet have in common?

A: They both have curds in the way.

Frank Crupi – pepper@ozramp.net.au


Engineers Explained

——————-

People who work in the fields of science and technology are not like other people. This can be frustrating to the non-technical people who have to deal with them. The secret to coping with technology-oriented people is to understand their motivations. This chapter will teach you everything you need to know. I learned their customs and mannerisms by observing them, much the way Jane Goodall learned about the great apes, but without the hassle of grooming.

Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. The word “engineer” is greatly overused. If there’s somebody in your life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this test to discern the truth.

ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST

You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked.

You…

  1. Straighten it.
  2. Ignore it.
  3. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.

The correct answer is “C” but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes “It depends” in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on “Marketing.”

SOCIAL SKILLS

Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction. “Normal” people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction:

  1. Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation
  2. Important social contacts
  3. A feeling of connectedness with other humansIn contrast to “normal” people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions:
  4. Get it over with as soon as possible
  5. Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
  6. Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.

FASCINATION WITH GADGETS

To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories: (1) things that need to be fixed, and (2) things that will need to be fixed after you’ve had a few minutes to play with them.

Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don’t understand this concept; they believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.

No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun.

No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary.feature-poor toys.

FASHION AND APPEARANCE

Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.

LOVE OF “STAR TREK”

Engineers love all of the “Star Trek” television shows and movies. It’s a small wonder, since the engineers on the starship Enterprise are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens. This is much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which consists of hiding from the universe and having sex without the participation of other life forms.

DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE

Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function.

Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it’s true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity.

Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions:

  1. Bill Gates.
  2. MacGyver.
  3. Damien Harding
  4. Nick Welsh
  5. Matt Nicol (even though he is not an engineer – Matt shares the interest in Star Trek . . . and the age/attraction matrix)

Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it’s a warm day.

HONESTY

Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That’s why it’s a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can’t handle the truth.

Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below.

  • “I won’t change anything without asking you first.”
  • “I’ll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow.”
  • “I have to have new equipment to do my job.”
  • “I’m not jealous of your new computer.”

FRUGALITY

Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, “How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?”

POWERS OF CONCENTRATION

If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.

RISK

Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake, the media will treat it like it’s a big deal or something.

EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS

  1. Hindenberg.
  2. Space Shuttle Challenger.
  3. SPANet(tm)
  4. Hubble space telescope.
  5. Apollo 13.
  6. Titanic.
  7. Ford Pinto.
  8. Corvair.
  9. Jeff Kennett’s hair style

The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:

RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.

REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.

Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain.

If that approach is not sufficient to halt a project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defense: “It’s technically possible but it will cost too much.”

EGO

Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:

  1. How smart they are.
  2. How many cool devices they own.

The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it’s solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal — a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature.

Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex – and I’m including the kind of sex where other people are involved.

Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can’t be done (a code phrase that means it’s not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: “I’ll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems.”

At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.


What do Darren Millane (Collingwood footballer killed in a recent car crash) and a blonde have in common?

Put either of ‘em in a car and their fucked.


Why did the guy fall out of the tree?

A fridge pushed him.

Brian


Three worst Chinese torture tests

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he’s hopelessly lost.

It’s been nearly three weeks since he’s eaten anything besides what he could forage and he’s been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can’t see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone’s home.

He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says “What do you want?”

The man says “I’ve been lost for the past three weeks and haven’t had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most grateful if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight”

The old Chinese man says “I’ll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter”

The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying “I promise I won’t cause you any trouble. I’ll be on my way tomorrow morning”

The old Chinese man counters “Ok, but if I do catch you then I’ll give you the three worst chinese torture tests ever known to man.”

“Ok, Ok” the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?

Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn’t keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.

That night, the man snuck into the girls’ bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, “Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience.”

The next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying “1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb rock on your chest”.

“What a lame torture test” the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying “2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle”.

The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying “3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bed post”.


WHY ASK “WHY ?”?

Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?

Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas station when smoking is prohibited there?

Do you need a silencer on a gun if you are going to kill a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the morning?

If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day and 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?

If you tied a piece of buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If you’re driving a vehicle at the speed of light, what will happen when you turn on the headlights?

You know most packages say “open here”. What is the protocol if the package says “open somewhere else”?

Why do they put braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on a driveway?

Why is it that when you transport something by car it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship its called a cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes. Why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

-


The old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer.

“I want to become a lawyer. How much is it for that express degree you told me about?”

“It’s $50,000″, the lawyer said, “But why? You’ll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?”

“That’s my business! Get me the course!”

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing, and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, “Please, before it’s too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?”

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said: “One less lawyer”.


YOU MIGHT BE A LIBERAL IF…

You’ve named your kids “Deduction one” and “Deduction two”

You’ve ever referred to someone as “my poor working class friend”

You’ve ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to social security.

You’re a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.

You think “proletariat” is a type of cheese.

You think Huey Newton is a cookie.

The only union you support is the AFL Players, because heck, they’re richer than you.

You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.

You’ve ever referred to the moral fibre of something.

You’ve ever uttered the phrase, “Why don’t we just bomb the sons of bitches.”

You’ve ever said, “I can’t wait to get into business school.”

You’ve ever called a secretary or waitress “Tootsie.”

You answer to “The Man.”

You don’t think “The Simpsons” is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.

You faxed the CIA and ASIO a list of “Commies in my Neighbourhood. “You don’t let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of “sexual deviance.”

You scream “Dit-dit-ditto” while making love.

You’ve argued that art has a “moral foundation set in Western values.”

When people say “Marx,” you think “Groucho.”

You’ve ever yelled, “Hey hippie, get a haircut.”

Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.

You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in the world.

You’ve ever said “Clean air? Looks clean to me.”

You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.

You wonder if donations to Parliament House are tax-deductable given it is in stamps or brown paper bags.

You came of age in the ’60s and don’t remember Bob Dylan.

You’re afraid of the “liberal media.”

You ever based an argument on the phrase, “Well, tradition dictates….”

You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch “lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn’t want to contribute to society.”

You’ve ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don’t even have shoes.

You confuse Lenin with Lennon.

You’ve ever called education a luxury.

And now, for the final way you can tell if you really are a liberal: You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.

-


What do call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?

Your Honor.


Which Category would you slot into?

1. A VAIN PERSON

One who loves the smell of his own fart.

2. AN AMIABLE PERSON

One who loves the smell of other people’s farts.

3. A PROUD PERSON

One who thinks his farts are exceptionally pleasant.

4. A SHY PERSON

One who releases silent farts then blushes.

5. AN IMPUDENT PERSON

One who farts loud then laughs.

6. A SCIENTIFIC PERSON

One who farts regularly, but is concerned with pollution.

7. AN UNFORTUNATE PERSON

One who tries to fart but shits instead.

8. A NERVOUS PERSON

One who stops in the middle of a fart.

9. AN HONEST PERSON

One who admits he farted but offers a good medical reason.

10. A DISHONEST PERSON

One who farts and blames his dog.

11. A FOOLISH PERSON

One who suppresses a fart for hours.

12. A THRIFTY PERSON

One who always has farts in reserve.

13. AN ANTI-SOCIAL PERSON

One who excuses himself and farts in private.

14. STRATEGIC PERSON

One who conceals his farts by loud laughter.

15. INTELLECTUAL PERSON

One who can determine the smell of his neighbour’s farts.

16. ATHLETIC PERSON

One who farts at the slightest exertion.

17. SADISTIC PERSON

One who farts in bed, then fluffs the covers over his bedmate.

-


How do you kill a lawyer when he’s drinking?

Slam the toilet seat on his head.


A lawyer was asked if he like to become a Jehovah’s Witness. He declined, as he hadn’t seen the accident, but replied that he would still be interested in taking the case.


For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

“You’ve been such exemplary statues,” he announced to them, “That I’m going to give you a special gift. I’m going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want.” And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

“You still have fifteen more minutes,” said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, “Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I’ll crap on it’s head.”

-


Dogs vs Man

How Dogs and Men are the same:

Both take up too much space on the bed

Both have irrational fears re vacuum cleaning

Both are threatened by their own kind

Both mark their own territory

Both are bad at asking questions

Neither tells you what is bothering them

Both have an inordinate fascination with women’s crotches

Neither does any dishes

Both fart shamelessly

Neither of them notice when you have a new haircut

Both like dominance games

Both are suspicious of the Postman

Neither knows how to talk on the telephone

Neither understands what you see in cats

How Dogs are BETTER than men

Dogs don’t have a problem expressing affection in public

Dogs feel guilt when they’ve done something wrong

Dogs admit when they are jealous

Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out

Dogs don’t play games with you except fetch (and they never laugh at the way you throw)

Dog don’t feel threatened by your intelligence

You can train a dog

You are never suspicious of your dog’s dreams

The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK the worst disease is rabies but there is a vaccine for it and you get to kill the one that gave it to you.)

Dogs understand what “no” means

Dogs understand when some of their friends can’t come inside

Middle-aged dogs don’t feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner

Dogs admit it when they are lost

Dogs are colour blind

Dogs aren’t threatened if you earn more than they do

Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

Olivia


What’s the difference between God and a lawyer?

God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer.


What’s the difference between a lawyer and a leech?

A leech quits sucking your blood after you die.


What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.


What’s the difference between a lawyer on a Harley and a vacuum cleaner?

The vacuum has the dirt bag on the inside.


What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

A vulture doesn’t get Frequent Flyer points.


What’s the other difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

Vultures can’t take their wing tips off.


What’s one more difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

Vultures wait ’till you’re dead to rip your heart out.


What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

There are skid marks in front of the dog.


What’s the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

Vultures will eat the skunk.


What’s the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

Clothes.


What’s the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of cow manure?

The bucket.


What’s the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.


A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous I take a sip.” So the next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:

1) Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as “the late J.C.”

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as “Daddy, Junior, and Spook.”

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as “the Big T”

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it, for it is my body”, he did not say, “Eat me.”

12) The recommended grace before a meal is not: “Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub; yea, God”

13) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

Bruce Moyle


Why do girls wear perfume & make-up?

Because they stink & they’re ugly!

Arthur Anastas


How do you save a drowning lawyer?

Take your foot off his head.

Joke Collection (3)  

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