Joke Collection (2)

January 1st, 1990

Jokes Pages: [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11] [12] [13]

The GORSKYS.COMedy Jokes Collection is a range of old jokes sent in by readers in the late 90′s. We no longer accept jokes as we have since vowed to write our own instead.


The Pope wakes up one morning with a huge erection. Thinking that it wasn’t very Catholic, he tries to get rid of it. Unfortunately, walking around the room, thinking about the Bible and even getting some fresh air on the balcony all fail to soften him up. With only one option left, he sat down on the balcony and relieved himself.

Later, the Pope was walking around Rome, when a man with a camera approached him. “Hello, Mr. Pope,” the man says. “Six o’clock this morning, on the balcony, I think you know what I’m talking about.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what you mean,” the Pope replied.

“Oh, I think you do,” the man retorted, “and 50 thousand will buy you the camera.”

Worried and confused, the Pope paid up and took the camera.

Back in the Vatican, one of the Pope’s aides was asking about the camera. “A chap in town sold it to me for 50 thousand,” the Pope explained.

“50 thousand?” said the aide. “Wow, he must’ve seen you coming.”

Frances O’Brien


Beer and Female Hormones

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn’t drive.

No further testing is planned.

Paul


WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

  • KINDERGARTEN TEACHER:To get to the other side.
  • PLATO:For the greater good
  • ARISTOTLE:It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
  • KARL MARX:It was a historical inevitability.
  • TIMOTHY LEARY:Because that’s the only trip the establishment would let it take.
  • SADDAM HUSSEIN:This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
  • RONALD REAGANI forget.
  • CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK;To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
  • HIPPOCRATES;Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
  • ANDERSEN CONSULTING;Deregulation of the chicken’s side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) , Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken’s people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals in delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken’s mission,vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
  • LOUIS FARRAKHAN;The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken “crossed ” the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
  • MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.;I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
  • MOSES;And God came down from the Heavens, and he said unto the chickens, “Thou shalt cross the road”. And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
  • FOX MULDER;You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
  • RICHARD M. NIXON;The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
  • MACHIAVELLI;The point is that the chicken crosses the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
  • JERRY SEINFELD;Why does anyone cross the road? I mean, why doesn’t anyone ever think to ask, what the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?
  • FREUD;The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
  • BILL GATES;I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book.
  • OLIVER STONE;The question is not, “Why did the chicken cross the road?” Rather, it is, “Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?”
  • DARWIN;Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross the roads.
  • EINSTEIN;Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference.
  • BUDDHA;Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
  • RALPH WALDO EMERSON;The chicken did not cross the road….it transcended it.
  • ERNEST HEMINGWAY;To die. In the rain.
  • COLONEL SANDERS;I can’t believe I missed one.

Melinda Coyne


A nursery school teacher says to her class, “Who can use the word definitely’ in a sentence?”

First little girl says, “The sky is definitely blue.”

The teacher says, “Sorry Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange depending on the weather.”

Second, a little boy says, “Trees are definitely green.”

“Sorry, but in the autumn many trees are brown or gold,” said the teacher.

Little Matthew, from the back of the class, stands up and asks, “Does a fart have lumps?”

The teacher looks horrified and says…”Matthew! That’s disgusting, of course not!!!”

“OK… then I DEFINITELY shit my pants.”

Trevor Smith








These 2 cows are standing in a paddock. They strike up a conversation, as cows are want to do.

“Hi, how are you?”

“Good, how are you”

“Oh, pretty good. . . actually that’s not quite true. I’m a little worried really”

“Good heavens, why. What could you have to worry about?”

“Well, it’s Mad Cow Disease, actually”

“But we’re in Australia; it’s not going to effect us”

“You never know. Viruses are very good at traveling. You can never be sure where they’re going to turn up next. To be honest, I can’t believe you’re not concerned yourself”

“About Mad Cow disease?”

“Yeah”

“Well it’s not really my problem is it”

“Why not!”

“Well I’m a rabbit”

Mark Levi


How many corporate attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?

Who knows, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.


How many defense attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?

How many can you afford?


How many divorce attorneys does it take to change a light bulb? It only takes one divorce attorney to change your light bulb to his light bulb.


How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb? Three — one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.


How many contract attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer”, and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb”, do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.

2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part (“Receptacle”), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part (“New Light Bulb”). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as “Partnership.”


Three whales were swimming in the ocean,- mummy whale and two baby whales when along came a harpooning ship and harpooned mummy whale. Baby whales were quite upset and so they discussed a plan of action.

“Right” said baby whale 1, “Let’s go under the harpooning ship and blow water out our spouts and tip the boat over!!!”

“Alright” said baby whale 2, so they did and all the sailors were tossed out of the boat and were left swimming around.

Baby whale 1 said to baby whale 2 “Let’s eat some of these bastards”, but baby whale 2 said “No! I’ll do a blowjob but I’m not swallowing any seamen”

Simon Wilkins


Why did the McDonalds employee stop working?

He got electrocuted.

Steven Briggs


A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said “I’m here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.”

“That’s quite a coincidence”, said the engineer, “I’m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.”

The lawyer looked somewhat confused. “How do you start a flood?”, he asked.


During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord’s prayer from “give us this day our daily bread” to “give us this day our daily chicken.” and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined.

Two weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope declined.

A month later the man offers 100 million; this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision “The good news is… that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!”

Ron Milos


Why are seagulls called seagulls? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be called bagels!

Sue Ferguson


The devil visited a lawyer’s office and made him an offer. “I can arrange some things for you, ” the devil said. “I’ll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you’ll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, and their children’s souls rot in hell for eternity.”

The lawyer thought for a moment. “What’s the catch?”, he asked.


How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.

Josh Leonard


An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with “How much is two plus two?” The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, “Four.”

The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Again, the last question was, “How much is two plus two?” Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced, “Four.”

The lawyer was interviewed last, and again the final question was, “How much is two plus two?” The lawyer drew all the shades in the room, looked outside to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and then whispered, “How much do you want it to be?”


If you are an AMERICAN when you go into the bathroom and you are an AMERICAN when you come out of the bathroom….What are you WHILE you are in the bathroom?

EUROPEAN

Amie Alter


A lawyer charged a man $500 for legal services. The man paid him with crisp new $100 bills. After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two bills had stuck together — he’d been overpaid by $100.

The ethical dilemma for the lawyer: Should he tell his partner?


A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm’s senior partner had passed away unexpectedly.

“Is Mr. Smith there?” asked the client on the phone.

“I’m very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night,” the receptionist answered.

“Is Mr. Smith there?” repeated the client.

The receptionist was perplexed. “Perhaps you didn’t understand me I’m afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night.”

“Is Mr. Smith there?” asked the client again.

“Madam, do you understand what I’m saying?” said the exasperated receptionist. “Mr. Smith is dead.”

“I understand you perfectly,” the client sighed. “I just can’t hear it often enough.”


Did you know Salman Rushdie has written a new book?

It’s called “Buddah the Fat Cunt”

Marcus


What happened to Beethoven after he died?

He decomposed

Stephen Hein


Two harp seals walk into a club…

Samara Allsop


Mary was a prostitute but didn’t want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes and the girl was amongst the group. The police lined up all the prostitutes on the street, when Mary’s grandmother walked past. Along comes the grandma and sees her grand daughter.

Grandma asked Mary, “What are you lining up for.”

Mary, frightened to let grandma know the truth said “Some people are passing out free oranges and I’m lining up for some.”

Grandma wanted oranges too, so she went to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from the prostitutes. When he got to the grandma, he was bewildered and asked, “You are so old, how do you do it?”

Grandma (thinking he’s asking her about how she can eat oranges) replied, “Oh, it’s easy, I just take off my dentures and suck them dry.

Nigel Billinton


John is waiting to cross the street when a blind man approaches with his guide-dog. The sign lights to cross and in stead of helping his boss to cross the dog raises his rear leg and pees on the pants of the man. The man reaches in his pocket and gives the dog a cookie. John is amazed and tells the man: “If it were my dog I would have kicked his ass!”. The man calmly answers: “I’m going to. But I need to find the head first”.

Caroline Goolard


A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road.

Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud “THUMP” and then he would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, “Where are you going, Father?”.

“I’m going to the church 5 miles down the road!”, replied the priest.

“No problem, Father! I’ll give you a lift. Climb in the truck”. The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.

Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer.

He turned to the priest and said, “I’m sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer”.

“That’s okay”, replied the priest. “I got him with the door!”

Leonard Wookie


A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. “Well”, he said, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight’s THE night. We’re having dinner with her parents, and then we’re going out. Once she’s had me, she’ll want me all the time, so you’d better give me the 12 pack”. The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, “You never told me that you were such a religious person”. He leans over to her and says, “You never told me that your father is a pharmacist”.

Mark Villiers


How can you tell if a blonde’s been using the computer?

There’s white-out on the screen.

How can you tell if another blonde’s been using the computer?

There’s writing on the white-out.


What do you call the bit of skin between the vagina and anus?

A chin rest.


How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?

By the lipstick on your cucumbers.


Why don’t blondes use vibrators?

They chip their teeth.


Did you hear about the vegetarian cannibal who only ate Swedes?


How many elephants can you fit in a fridge?

None.

Joke Collection (2)  

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