Joke Collection (13)

January 1st, 1990

Jokes Pages: [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11] [12] [13]

The GORSKYS.COMedy Jokes Collection is a range of old jokes sent in by readers in the late 90′s. We no longer accept jokes as we have since vowed to write our own instead.


A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”

Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. Second, I’d advise you to relax. Let’s have a cup of coffee, then ………..

“Let’s put all these Frosties back in the box.”

Elizabeth Tobler


What’s the difference between Clint Eastwood and anal sex?

Clint can make your day, but anal sex can make your entire week

Mike Wilkins


Two men talking over the garden fence.

“Just think Joe, Before I got married…….I had thousands of faults I did`nt even know about!”.

John Hayes


How do you get three old ladies to say “fuck”?

Have the fourth one yell “BINGO”.

Jamie Gillespie


What’s red and sits in the corner?

A naughty fire engine!

Gordy Clarke


There were three friends riding in a car. Their names were Manners, Shutup, and Poop.

They were riding along and they hit a bump in the road. Poop flew out the window, Manners went to see if he was alright, and Shutup went to get help.

Shutup found a cop and said, “help me help me, my friend has fallen out the window!” the cop said, “alright, what is your name?”

“Shutup.”

“NO, what is your name?”

“SHUTUP.”

“Where are your manners?!?!??”

“Down the street pickin up Poop.”


An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when ,all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

“Well, now,” says the old lady, “I guess I would like to be really rich.” POOF her rocking chair turns to solid gold. “And, gee, I guess I wouldn’t mind being a young, beautiful princess. “POOF! She turns into a beautiful young woman.

“Your third wish?” asked the fairy godmother.

Just then the old woman’s cat wanders across the porch in front of them. “Ooh can you change him into a handsome prince and make him my husband?” she asks.

POOF! There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone she could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten.

With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, “Bet you’re sorry you had me neutered.”

Jamie Gillespie


Bill Gates dies He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.

“Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call. I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows ’95. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before in your case: I’m going to let you decide where you want to go.”

Bill replied, “What’s the difference between the two?”

St. Peter said, “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.”

“Fine, but where should I go first?”

“I’ll leave that up to you.”

“Okay then,” said Bill, “Let’s try Hell first.”

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

“This is great!” he told St. Peter. “If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!”

“Fine,” said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was very nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. “Hmmm. I think I’d prefer Hell,” he told St. Peter.

“Fine,” retorted St. Peter, “as you desire.” So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall in a dark cave, screaming amongst hot flames, being burned and tortured by demons.

“How’s everything going?” he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, “This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can’t believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?”

“That was a demo,” replied St. Peter.

Jamie Gillespie


EXTREMELY GEEKY THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR

  1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off
  2. Blow your nose, then offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers
  3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: “Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!”
  4. On a long ride, sway from side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator
  5. Belch as loudly and deeply for as long as you can. Pause. Then repeat.
  6. Crack open your briefcase or purse, peer inside and ask “Got enough air in there?”
  7. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator (wear your own upside-down)
  8. Lean over to another passenger, smile broadly and whisper: “Noogie patrol coming!”
  9. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral
  10. Tai Chi exercises
  11. Yell out “Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!” from the back of extremely packedelevators
  12. Hand out religious tracts to each passenger
  13. Pass wind. Smile smugly and look proud about it.
  14. Take bets with other passengers about how many coins you can fit up your nose
  15. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected
  16. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers through it
  17. Attempt to start a sing-along
  18. Play the harmonica
  19. Shadow box
  20. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope
  21. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space”
  22. Bring a chair along
  23. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: “Wanna see wha in muh mouf?”
  24. Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host body”
  25. Wear “X-Ray Specs” and leer suggestively

Charmaine


Two ducks flying along.

One duck goes “Quack”

Other says “can’t go any quacker”

Rod


I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed.

When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her.

She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt.

As luck would have it, they matched.

Adriana L


An old lady walks into a cafeteria for lunch. The guy behind the counter asks her what she wants. She asks for a hamburger. The counter man grabs some ground beef and squeezes it underneath his armpit to make a patty and starts frying it up.

“That’s disgusting!” the old lady gasps to the woman in line behind her.

“Yeah,” says the woman behind her, “but you should see how he makes the donuts.”

Casey


A man with tickets to the AFL Grand Final finds his seat and relaxes. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

“No”, he says. “The seat is empty.”

“That’s incredible”, said the stranger. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the AFL Grand Final and not use it?”

“Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Grand Final we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1967.”

The stranger replies, “Oh…I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. Couldn’t you find someone else – a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?”

The man shakes his head. “No. They’re all at the funeral.”

Karen


A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy “half” a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, “Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce.”

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.”

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?”

“Queensland, sir,” the boy replied.

“Well, why did you leave Queensland,” the manager asked.

The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but whores and rugby league players up there.”

“Really!” said the manager. “My wife is from Queensland!”

The boy replied, “No s&*t??? Who did she play for?

Karen


Your momma is so fat that when she wears high heels she strikes oil.

Diana Williams


A guy comes home from work and his girlfriend is sitting on the front step with her packed bags sitting next to her. “What you doing?” he asks her.

“I heard you were a paedophile” she answers.

“That’s a mighty big word for a 10 year old” he says.

Kevin Bickerdike


A guy goes to a bar every day after work. He orders a beer drinks it down and then looks at somthing in his wallet.

He then orders another beer. He repeats this ten or eleven times and then goes home.

After about a week of this the barmen who serves him asks “What do you look at in your wallet after every drink?”

The guy takes out his wallet and shows him a photograph.

“This is a photo of my wife,” he says “I dont go home untill she starts looking good.”

chog the frog

Three guys have just got their first pay checkes and one suggests they all buy Rolexes.

Dumb as they are they all agree and then go to the top of the 50-storey Rialto building.

At the top one turns to the other two and says “I’ll give you five hundred dollars if you drop your Rolex, run down and catch it before it hits the ground and breaks”

“Fair enough,” says the first and throws his watch over the edge.

He starts running down the stairs knocking over old women and children as he goes.

When he gets to the bottom and out on to the road his rollex is lying broken in the middle of the road.

So now the second one goes “I rekon i could do that.”

He throws his rollex over the edge and runs down the stairs.

As he goes he knocks over more old women and children. when he gets out to the road his rollex is also lying on the road, broken.

The third guy is laughing at the other two so the second guy turns around and says “Alright then you do it.”

“Fine,” says the first guy.

He takes off his watch fiddles with it and then throws it over the edge. he then starts walkin down the stairs, helps all the people who have fallen over and stops to talk to people. when he walks onto the road he stands in the middle of the road puts his hand out and catches the watch just as it falls.

The other two run up to him and ask “How did you do that?”

“Easy,” he replies “I wound it back 20 minutes.”

chog the frog


did you hear about the irish shop lifter?

he was found dead under Tesco’s

simon t


Three pigs went to eat at a resturant the waiter asked what they wanted to drink one pig said a sprite anothe a coke and the other water lots and lots of water.

He comes back and asked for the meal the first pig said pasta the 2nd said pizza and the 3rd said water lots and lots of water.

He then asked what they wanted for desert the 1st said chocolate cake the 2nd said Ice cream and the third said water lots and lots of water.

When the waiter brought the bill he asked the third pig why were you drinking just water he said one of us has to go wee wee all the way home.

Craig Moore


A man’s on a driving holiday in New Zealand when he sees a man standing by the road gripping a sheep.

‘G’day’ says the tourist. ‘Are you shearing?’

‘No, piss off and find your own.’

magdalene


Q: What’s the difference between a slut and a bitch?

A: A slut will sleep with anyone. A bitch will sleep with anyone but you.

Adam Fitton


Q: What happened when the pope went to Mount Olive?

A: Popeye almost killed him.

james hamilton


A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.

Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home. “So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you alright?”

“It’s pretty nice,” she replied. “Except they won’t let me fart.”

Adriana L


Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”

“Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life,” her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said “So, why’s the groom wearing black?”

Adriana L


Two indians are walking on prairie one indian puts his ear to the ground, listens and says “Buffalo come”.

Other indian replies “How do you know?”

First indian says”ear sticky”

simon t


Q: How do you put a Elephant in the fridge?

A: Open the door and put him in.

Q: How do you put a Giraffe in the fridge?

A: Open the door, take out the Elephant out and put him in.

Q: The Lion King announces there’s a meeting, which animal isn’t at the meeting?

A: The Giraffe, he’s in the fridge.

Q: You come across a river with a sign that say’s ‘BEWARE ALIGATOR’S', What do u do?

A: Swim across, the Aligator’s at the meeting.

Angelic Angel


While I was stationed on Marine base Camp Pendleton (CA) I decided to go to Tiauana for the weekend. I drove there and proceeded to get trashed.

Afterwards I decide to go to a Whore house and get some action. once I got there I say a guy in a Navy uniform arguing with the man behind the counter. the Squid didn’t have enough to pay for a Whore.

“What’s your name” I asked?

“Dick, Dick QueBow”

“Well Dick I’ll pay for your whore.”

“But I need experience”, This guy says.

I told him to go out back and get some experience on the tree with the knot hole out back. He ran out and started humping the tree. two minutes later he ran in screaming. “what’s wrong I asked…”

“there’s bees in that tree” he said holding his pecker.

“well now you have the experience”.

I gave the owner the cash and he told Quebow to go downstairs. A few minutes after he had gone downstairs we heard the girl screaming for him to stop and that it was too big.

The owner and I ran down to help and the guy was shoving a broom into her again and agan. We grabbed the broom and demanded he tell us what he was doing. He simply said… “Me checking for bees.”

Cpl J. A. Phillips


An Englishman, an American and a frenchmen find a lamp while out walking. They rub this lamp and the genie that appears gives them each one wish.

The American goes firstand says “I want to help my country. I wish that there will allways be prosperity in America.”.

“Fair enough” says the genie “i grant your wish”.

The Frenchman barges in and declares that he will go next saying ” I want to help my country aswell. I wish that there will be a wall around france such that no dirty foriegners may come into my country.”.

“okay, granted”. says the Genie.

The Englishmen looks thaughtfull then asks “im interested tell me about the wall.”.

“Oh” says the genie “Its great, its 100 feet high and 50ft thick nothing can get in or out.”

The englishman says “I wish to help the world. Fill it with water”

Mike Stad


Q: What did the fish say when he bumped into a concrete wall?

A: Dam.

caitlin cody


Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?

A: You won’t get much food with that.

Cheryl Preston


The top 10 songs played on 95.8 Kabul FM on Sunday….

1. Losing my religion – REM (Raving Edict Mullah mix)

2. Unchained Mullahdy – The Self Righteous Brothers

3. Aid Drops Keep Falling on my Head – Johnny Farnham

4. Living on a Prayer mat – TaliBon Jovi

5. Tented love – Soft (Terrorist) Cell

6. Do you really want to shoot me? – Boy George Bush & Capture Club

7. Rockin Allah-ver the World – Status Quaeda

8. I’m too extremist for my turban – Right Said Mullah Omar

9. The Ayatollah Skank – Fatwa Boy Slim

10. (Come up and find me) Mecca me smile – Steve Harley & Northern Rebel Alliance

Some Mad Mullah


Two blondes are facing each other across a wide stream. One yells to the other,

“How do you get to the other side?” to which the other blonde replies, “You are on the other side!”

Daniel Schmitt


Holy Sun-Tanned Left Forearm, or, “How’s My Driving?” by J.B. Pravda

The Brotherhood of Overland Haulers annual convention packed the convention hall to hear a special guest, the beloved Father O’Hanley, himself a former trucker, who had just been awarded a MacArthur Prize for his discoveries in Biblical Archaeology.

A hush fell over the throng as he began to read from an ancient scroll.

“And it came to pass in those days that a young carpenter of the House of Joseph was wont to make deliveries of items.

“On one such occasion, a very large crowd had gathered to witness the miracles that seemed to accompany him.

“As the young man began unloading an especially heavy piece, the people were in awe of the handtruck he used to do so, not to mention the powerful hydraulic ramp of the eighteen wheeler.”


Your mama is so fat, I told her to go to the oven so she could burn calories

isidro arellano


Man walked into a bar and said ‘ouch’.

Simon


What do you get when you cross a lesbian with a hippopotomus?

A lickalotopus!

Anonymous


This one guy walks up to this guy with a dog.

The guy asks, “Can i pet your dog or does he bite?”

The other guy replies,

“Yes you can pet my dog he dosen’t bite.”

So the guy pets the dog and it bites him.

“I thought you said that your dog doesn’t bite.”

“That’s not my dog.”

Lizzy Dannenburger


Q. What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?

A. Swim for your life.

Cyanide Heaven


There were two catipillars sitting on a branch……just as a butterfly flew over them…..one caterpilla turns to the other catapilla and says…….you will neva get me up in one of those………lol

Jacqui Miller


How do you make a baby drink? Put it in a blender.

Brad ley


An irish girl scores a job in he coffee shop of a large resort… The 4 directors arive and sit down, keen to impress she asks for their order… “4 coffees without milk” says the boss she scurries off and moments later returns and says “excuse me doya mind having 4 coffees without cream ??? weve run out of milk”.

john fuller


Why do you fuck a sheep on its back? So you can kiss it!

Nomis Retsbew


What do you call a smart blonde? Golden Retreiver.

Eskimo


What does the Pope find down his toilet? Holy shit.

Jason Fyfe


What have you done if your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen nagging you? Made her chain too long.

Jason Fyfe


What do women and tornadoes have in common? They both start with a blowjob and you end up losing your house.

Jason Fyfe


What’s brown and black and blue and lies in a gutter? A brunette that’s told too many blonde jokes.

Jason Fyfe


What do brunettes miss most about a great party? The invitation.

Jason Fyfe


Joke Collection (13)  

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