Joke Collection (12)

January 1st, 1990

Jokes Pages: [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11] [12] [13]

The GORSKYS.COMedy Jokes Collection is a range of old jokes sent in by readers in the late 90′s. We no longer accept jokes as we have since vowed to write our own instead.


Yo mama so stud she thought a quarterback was a refund.

Some Bozo


What do you call two lesbians in a cupboard?

A liquour cabinet

Karen


One day, a general of the army, an admiral, and an air force general are having an argument about whose branch of the military is braver.

So the admiral yells to a passing sailor, “Sailor, catch that falling anchor!”

The sailor snaps to attention, shouts, “Yes, sir!”, runs under the anchor, and is crushed to death trying to catch it.

The admiral turns to the others and says “Gentlemen, that was bravery.”

The army general says, “That’s nothing,” and yells, “Private, stop that moving tank!”

The private snaps to attention, shouts “Yes, sir!” and is crushed under the tank while trying to stop it.

The army general turns back to the others and says, “Gentlemen, that took guts.”

Finally, the air force general takes his turn. “Airman, catch that landing plane.”

The airman snaps to attention and shouts “F*ck you, sir.”

The air force general turns to the others and says, “Gentlemen, _that_ took balls.”

Karen


How can you tell when a blonde is having a bad day?

Her tampon is behind her ear, and she cant find her pencil!

Jim Bob-Bob


A geezer’s runnig down the road, as fast as he fucking good! Another bloke turns round and shouts, “Why you running mate?”

He goes, “A pissed off rhino has escaped from the zoo!”

The bloke says, “Which way did it go?”

He replied, “You dont think I am fucking chasing it do you?”

Jim Bob-Bob


Q: What did the two balls said to each other?

A: Dont talk to the middle person, he is a dick..

Robin Minhas


Q:If a woman wants to become a man she has to have a dick right? Well what phone number does she call?

A:1-800-CALL-ATT

Katrina


THE RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF:

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play — normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have play on or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player’s equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played on for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner’s permission before attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner’s request.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

** Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course.

Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.**

Trevell Metoyer


There’s a man lying in bed naked and his son comes in.

“What’s that thing” sais the son

“A little green man” replies the father

“Can I play with it” the son sais

“yes” replies the father

The next day the father is in the hospital.

“How did I end up in hospital?” asks the father

“The little green man squirted water on my face so I bit its head off” replies the son

Luke


A surgeon, an architect an a lawyer are having a heated barroom discussion concerning which of their professions is actually the oldest profession.

The surgeon says: “Surgery IS the oldest profession. God took a rib from Adam to create Eve and you can’t go back further than that.”

The architect says: “Hold on! In fact, God was the first architect when he created the world out of chaos in 7 days, and you can’t go back any further than THAT!”

The lawyer puffs his cigar and says: “Gentlemen, Gentlemen…who do you think created the CHAOS??!!”

Nathan Brattan


What is brown and yellow?

A brown a yellow hat

David Boston


Nose Picking Glossary:

The Kiddie Pick

When you’re by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, there’s no time limit!

Camouflaged Kiddie Pick

When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue,

then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.

Fake Nose Scratch

When you make believe you’ve got an itch but you’re really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.

Making A Meal Out Of It

You do it so furiously, and for so long, you’re probably entitled to dessert.

Surprise Pickings

When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurtling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.

Autopick

The kind you do in a car, when no one’s looking.

Pick Your Brains

Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.

Pick And Save

When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don’t catch on to what you did.

Pick And Roll

No explanation needed.

Pick And Flick

Ditto.

Pick And Stick

You wanted it to be a “Pick and Flick,” but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.

Paydirt

The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.

Trevell Metoyer


The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day.

The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.

“Howdy, stranger…”

“Howdy, Sheriff…”

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss right on the horses ass.

He dropped the horse’s tail,stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.

“Hold on, Mister…”

“Sheriff?”

“Did I just see what I think I just saw?”

“Reckon you did, Sheriff…I got me some powerful chapped lips…”

“And that cures them?”

“Nope, but it keeps me from lickin’ em.”

Trevell Metoyer


Three chicks were driving down the road when the driver hits the brakes. The two passengers ask her what she’s doing.

The driver replies, “there’s a dead man on the road.”

They all get out of the car and look at this body.

The driver says to the other two chicks, “I bet ya $10 if I sit on his face for two minutes he’ll wake up coughing.”

The other passengers say, “no worries you’re on.”

The driver goes up to the dead bloke, sits on his face and after two minutes nothing’s happened.

The second chick says,” I bet ya $100 if I sit on his face for two minutes he’ll wake up coughing.”

Two minutes later nothing’s happened either.

The third chick goes, “I bet you $1000 if I sit on his face for thirty seconds he’ll wake up coughing.”

So she goes and sits on his face. Thirty seconds later the bloke awakens coughing.

The two chicks were in amazement and asked her how she did it. “Simple,” the third chick replied. “Blood transfusion.”

trade


A man is shipwrecked on a deserted island for ten long years.

One day he sees a ship on the horizon and starts waving his arms until the ship heads for the shore

The captain of the ship and the man began talking. “I thought I’d never get rescued.” “How long have you been here?” the captain asks.

“Ten years” the man replys. “How have you coped with all that time alone?”

“Well I’m a very resourceful fellow. I built a house, learned to hunt and fish.”

“But ten Years without sex” the captain exclaimsed.

“Not completely” the man replied. “About six months ago I was down here on the shore when I noticed an ostrich with it’s head in the sand.

I crept up behind it and …”

“Oh you poor man, that must have been horrible.”

“Well it was fine for the first five miles” the man replied, “but then we got out of step.”

Trevell Metoyer


Yo mama’s so fat she uses a vcr as a pager

carlos perez


Once there was a little boy he had a speech probelm and his mum gave him some money to by some gum, a bucket and a cockerspaniel.

So the little boys goes in the shop and said “can i have some bum” and the clerk says “you mean gum” and then the little boys said “can i have some fucket” and the clerk said “oh you mean a bucket” then the little boys said “can i have a cock and spank” it then clerk said oh you mean a cockerspaniel.

So the little boy walks home and says to the old man “can you hold my bum and fucket while i get out my cock and spank it, please.”

Jessica Abbott


A guy gets a job at a remote mining camp.After a couple of days work, he goes into the local bar, has a few beers, and asks a local about the lack of woman in the camp.”No sheilas for 200 miles” says the local.

“What does a man do for sex?”

The local points to a large barrel in the corner.”Just put ya dick in the hole in the side.Any day except Thursday.”

The guy wanders over,pokes his dick in the hole, and within 2 minutes,blows his lolly.

“Christ,thats not bad” he thinks.

He returns the next two nights,and gets the same result.On the third night,he asked the local if the barrel was free.

“Yup, like I said, any day except Thursday”

“Why not Thursdays?”the guy asks.

“Cos Thursdays your day in the barrel.”

Darryl


Your momma is so fat when she sits in the bathtub the toilet water raises.

Joshua Dale O’Neil


It got crowded in heaven, so it was decided only to accept people whoever had a really bad day on the day they had died. On the first morning when the policy was employed, St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said the first man in line, “Tell me about the day you died.”

The man said, “Oh it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early from work one day to catch her in the act. I searched all over the apartment and couldn’t find him anywhere. So finally I went out on the balcony (we lived on the 25th floor) and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. So I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, of course, but he landed in some bushes and lived. So I went inside, got the refrigerator, and pushed it out over the balcony and it crushed hi, The strain of the act, though, gave me a heart attack, so I died.”

St Peter couldn’t deny that this was a pretty bad day and that it was a crime of passion, so he let the man enter heaven. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died.

“Well, sir, it was awful. I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment, when I slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment beneath me but then some maniac came out and started pounding my fingers! I fell, of course, but I landed in some bushes and lived! But then the guy came out and dropped a refrigerator on me!”

St. Peter chuckles a bit, lets him into heaven and decides that he could really start to enjoy this job.

“Tell me about the day you died, ” he said to the third man.

“Okay, picture this. I’m naked, hiding in a refrigerator …”

Steve Humeniuk


A female reporter visits an Indian tribe and arranges an interview with the chief. Noticing his headress, she asks why he wears so many feathers.

“Me fuck all squaws. Fat squaws, skinny squaws, old squaws, all squaws”.

The woman says,”You oughta be hung.”

“Mmm me hung good. Big like buffalo, long like snake.”

Getting upset,the woman says “There’s no need to be so hostile.”

“Mmmm me fuck ‘em horse style, doggy style, bear style, any style.”

Totally upset now, the woman just says “Oh dear!”

“Mmmm no fuck deer. Asshole too high and fuckers run too fast”

Darryl


Two Aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

Matt Richardson


Two pirates, one somewhat younger than the older, were drinking at a dock-side pub, each recounting their dashing exploits at sea. After a lengthy exchange relating their respective adventures, the younger pirate inquired of the older, “But pray tell, Cap’n, how came ye to gettin’ that wooden peg-leg on what ye hobble about?”

“Arrrr”, interjected the older sea rover, “that happened after me ship was ambushed and overtaken by another pirate outfit. They had us outnumbered three to one. Those of us what survived the skirmish was made to walk the plank. Soon as we hit the water, we was attacked by a school of man-eatin’ sharks. Well, me bucco, I still had me a knife hidden ‘neath me belt, an’ I was of a mind to take whatever fish was to eat me, down with me to Davy Jones’ Locker.

“E lopped off me left leg just under me knee; but it was the last meal ‘e’d ever eat, ’cause I stuck me knife through both ‘is eyeballs, clear down to the hilt!

“Meanwhile, the pirates on board was watchin’ the show an’ must a’ been a-might in awe of me fightin’ spirit, for they asked the cap’n if they could lower a rope an’ pull me back up. ‘Aye!’ ‘e laughed. ‘Bring the rascal aboard! Any man rough-and-ready enough to kill ‘imself a shark, what just bit off ‘is leg, deserves to live!’

“So, the Skipper made me one of his crew, and had me a-swabbin’ the deck, the very day I were healed-up enough to have this peg-leg fitted on.

“Years passed; and during that time, I would work me way up to first mate.”

“Some story, that”, the younger pirate remarked. “And what of that hook on your right arm?”

“Well, sir,” answered the older pirate, “just lemme pick up where I left off, tellin’ you how I made me way up./

“Anyways, after me promotion, the men was beginin’ to look up to me, even more so than the did the Cap’n; who, takin’ notice of my ever-increasin’ stature in the eyes of the crew, grew more an’ more jealous by the day.

“One day ‘e was in ‘is cups with too much rum; an’ ‘e took a notion to back-hand me face in front of the men, for no other reason, I suppose, than he just plain felt like doin’ so.

“Well, sir, I warn’t about to take such an insult from any man, not even the Skipper; I therefore returned a smash to ‘is face with me drinkin’ mug.

“When the Cap’n came to, ‘e was sufficiently sober an’ enraged to challange me to a sword duel on the deck. So, at it we went, for a good hour or more; until the scurvy dog sliced off me sword hand with a sudden forward lunge. That lunge costed him, though, ’cause I still had one good hand to reach for me belt knife and skewer ‘is gut, all in the space of a heart beat.

“With the Cap’n's demise, that made me the new Skipper.”

“And I suppose years later,” mused the younger pirate, “ye would lose yer right eye in another great battle at sea, hence, the eye patch you presently wear?”

After a thoughtful pause, the older pirate said, “Matter of fact, no. I got the patch the same day they fitted the hook I’m wearin’ right now.”

“How so?” the younger pirate asked.

“Well, sir, I was out on the deck, a-lookin’ upward, when, out of the blue, came this damned, lice-infested seagull; an’, doin’ ‘is business, as it were, hit me right square in the eye!”

The younger pirate was incredulous. “Oh, come now, matey! Do you really mean to stand there an’ tell me with a straight face that ye lost yer eye just because it was pooped on by some stupid bird?”

“No, no, me bucco, nothin’ like that,” replied the older pirate. “Like I told you already, IT WAS THE SAME DAY I ACQUIRED ME NEW HAND!!!”

Vincent L.Sartain


The seven dwarfs go on vacation to Italy, and the Pope wants to eat dinner with them since they’re so famous.

They eat a good dinner, and the dwarfes are about to leave, when Dopey tells them to wait up.

He goes up to the Pope and asks, “Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Italy?”

The Pope replies, “No, sorry.”

Dopey asks, “Are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?”

The Pope replies, “No, sorry.”

Then Dopey asks, “Are there any dwarf nuns in all of the world?”

The Pope replies, “No, sorry.”

The other six dwarfs are laughing behind him, and one yells, “HAHA! Dopey screwed a penguin!”

Wade


Three men have to drop something out of a hot air balloon and then go and see what happens. The first man drops an apple, the second a bottle of whisky and the third didn’t know what to drop, so he drops a bomb.

They go down to inspect.

The first man sees a boy crying and asks him what is wrong. “An apple fell out of the sky and hit me on the head” he says.

The second man sees a boy crying and asks him whats wrong. “A bottle fell out of the sky and I fell into the glass” he says.

The third man walks along and sees a boy laughing his head off. “What are you laughing at?” he says.

The boy replies “I just trumped and my house blew up!”

Lauren Lucas


Q. Why do women wear make-up and perfume?

A. Because they’re ugly and they stink.

Tim Goodman


How does a blind man know if Santa Claus has been?

He just feels his presents.

Lewis John Batt


Q.What do Tasmanian teenagers say to begin foreplay?

A. You awake Mum?

Bwad


A bloke goes to the doctors complaining of feeling a bit ill. After the doctor finishes examining him he says, “look I’ve got bad news…you’ve got AIDS and you’ve got about 6 months to live.”

The bloke is beside himself and begs the doctor to help him. So the doctor thinks for a while a nd tell the man the only suggestion he can make is for him to go to the pub on the way drink 12 pints of Guiness, and then go to the local curry house and eat 3 of the hottest curries on the menu.

And the bloke say’s “aw thanks Doc, are you sure it’ll cure me?”

And the doctor says, ” No, but it’ll teach you what your arse is for!!!”

Basildon Bond

Joke Collection (12)  

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