Joke Collection (11)

January 1st, 1990

Jokes Pages: [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11] [12] [13]

The GORSKYS.COMedy Jokes Collection is a range of old jokes sent in by readers in the late 90′s. We no longer accept jokes as we have since vowed to write our own instead.


Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, on the seventh day, Michael the Archangel found him resting.

“Where have you been?” asked Michael.

God sighed a deeply satisfying sigh and whilst proudly pointing towards the clouds said, “Look Michael, look what I’ve made.”

Archangel Michael look puzzled and said, “What is it?”

“It’s a planet” replied God, “and I’ve put LIFE onto it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance.”

“Balance?” inquired Michael.

God explained, pointing to different parts of the Earth, “Yes balance Michael. For example, this is North America and this will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, whilst this is South America a place of poverty and corruption.

“Over here I’ve placed a continent of white people and over here a continent of black people”.

God continued “This area will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.”

The Archangel, impressed with God’s creation, then pointed to a small land mass and asked, “What’s this one?”

“Ah,” said God, “That’s Britain, the most glorious place on Earth. A place blessed with beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and hills. A place where the people are modest, intelligent and humorous as well as hard working, extremely sociable and always high achieving. They will be known throughout the world as diplomats’ and ‘carriers of peace’ and others will always look up to them as a nation of inspiration.”

The Archangel gasped in wonder and proclaimed, “God, you said there would be balance in this world; where is the BALANCE?”

God replied wisely, “Just wait until you see the wankers I put next to them in France”

Basidon Bond


There’s this famer and he can’t get his sheep to fall pregnant, so he goes and see a vet about it. The vet says to him “You will need to artificially insemenate the sheep. If the sheep fall pregnant, they will lie down on their stomachs” Unsure what this meant, the farmer guessed that it meant that he’d have to impregnate them himself. Confused he thanked the vet and went on his way.

The next day, the farmer loaded all his sheep into his truck. He drove them out to the forest and one by one, screwed them all. Satysfied by his marathon effort, he loaded them back into the truck and went home. The next day he got up and looked out the window. No sheep were lying down so he loaded them into his truck and repeated the process. this went on for days with no avail.

The farmer got up one day, totally defeated and asked his wife to look out the window for him becuase he could not stand failure once more. So she looked out and replied “Sorry honey none of them are ling down but they are all in the truck and one’s beeping the horn.”

Missy Moo


Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?

Because they dont have balls to scratch….

Adriana L.


What has two legs and bleeds?

Half a dog

ruck


A profesor of mathematics sent this fax to his wife:

Dear Wife,

You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain need which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerly hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you recieve this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18 year old teaching assistant. I’ll be home by midnight.

-your husband

When he arrived at the hotel there was a faxed leeter waiting for him. It read as follows:

Dear Husband,

You, tpp are 54 years old and by the time you recieve this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18 year old poo boy. Sinve you are a mathmatician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times then 54 goes into 18. Therefore dont wait up.

-Your Wife

Adriana L.


Paramount Pictures plans a series of high budget movies with big name stars playing famous composers.

Keen to get Arnold Schwarzenegger on board before the steroids finish their job and turn him into a horse (a slow, steady transformation that is becoming more apparent all the time, as evidenced by his ever-deteriorating ability to speak English and the inexplicable foot-stamping, neighing and devil-may-care on the spot defecation he indulged in throughout “Junior”), Paramount executives invited him to lunch (light salads and salt licks) where they explained “we’ve had Tom Hulce as Mozart, Gary Oldman as Beethoven and coming up we’ve got Dustin Hoffman as Chopin and Pauly Shore as Brahms.

“Who would you like to play, Arnold?”

The big man paused, thought, licked, neighed and shat for a moment. Finally he spoke.

“I’ll be Bach,” he said.

Jamie Forbes


A duck walked into a chemist and asked for a packet of condoms and then the lady behind the counter said do you want it on your bill and the duck said what do you think i am a dickhead!

Cameron Carter


What’s the difference between an Irish funeral and an Irish wedding?

One less drunk.

Funny Shit


How do you know when a blonde’s done raking the leaves?

When she falls out of the tree.

Funny Shit


A man told his female co-worker that her hair smelled nice. Immediately she went and reported it to their boss as sexual harrassment. The boss said to her, “I don’t see how this is sexual harrassment by what he said about your hair.” Then the lady said, “He’s A Midget!!!”

Funny Shit


What did the fish say when he ran into the wall?

DAM!

Adriana L.


3 Birds in a cage. One above the other. Who legally owns the Cage?

The One on the bottom because the other two are on higher perches.

Peter Riches


Old Irish saying:

If at first you don’t succeed…then skydiving is not for you

Ron Ward


A Mushroom walks into a bar and asks for a pot of beer. The barman looks at him and says “Sorry mate but we don’t serve mushrooms in here” The mushroom quickly replies “Why the hell not? I’m a pretty fungi!”

Dan Frawley


Why did little Timmy fall off his little push bike.

`COS SOMEONE THREW A FRIDGE AT HIM!!

Timmy


Why did the plain crash?

BECAUSE THE PILOT WAS A PIECE OF CHEESE!!

Phil McRakkin


What do you call a female dog covered with spikes?

A Horny Bitch

Mr. D the Online comedian


When is modesty not becoming?

When it becomes a modest pay rise

vida gaigalas


Did you hear about the flea with a broken leg.

HE TRAVELLED FROM ALASKA TO NEW-YORK ON A CRUTCH.

laurie Butcher


what’s the quickest way to kill a blonde?

put a mirror on the bottom of a pool

dean church


Knock Knock

WHOS THERE??

Interrupting Cow

INTERRUPTING “moo, moo, moo” COW WHO???

Dave Knight


A little boy was listening to his parents argue. The mother called the father a bastard and the father called to mother a bitch. Later on the little boy asked his parents what those words meant. “bastard just means gentlemen and bitch just means lady,” they explained to their eager son.

A few days later the son caught them having sex. As he listened on he heard his mother say “DICK! DICK!” and his father say “PUSSY! PUSSY!” When theY realized that he had been standing there, they stopped immediatly.

The son asked what those words meant. “Dick is simply another word for Hat and Pussy is just another word for jacket.” they tried explaining. “OKAY!” the boy said and walked off.

On thanksgiving a while before their party guests began to arrive the boy followed his father around anxiously. As the father was shaving his cut himself and screamed “SHIT!” “daddy, what does shit mean?” the father became quite and said, “oh, its just another word for shaving cream, now go downstairs and help your mom out in the kitchen.”

The boy did as he was told. The mom who was stuffing the turkey got poked with a jagged bone and screamed “FUCK!” The curious boy asked, “Mommy what does Fuck mean?” The mother became embarrased at her inappropriate language and said, “uh…its just another word for stuffing the turkey.” when she said this the doorbell rang. “go and answer that, the guests are here.” “OKAY!” the little boy said excitedly.

As he opened the door he said, “HI ALL YOU BITCHES AND BASTARDS! GIVE ME YOUR DICKS AND PUSSYS AND MY MOM WILL BE OUT AS SOON AS SHES FINISHED FUCKING THE TURKEY AND MY DAD WILL BE OUT AS SOON AS HE GETS THAT WHITE SHIT OFF HIS FACE!”

Jane Doe


What’s the difference between a vampire and a blonde?

A blonde stops sucking at daybreak

max klatt


A woman takes her dog to the vet.

“What seems to be the problem?” asks the vet.

“Well doctor, he seems to have crossed eyes”, says the woman.

The vet picks up the dog and examines him from head to tail, with plenty of Mmms and Aaahs.

“I’m afraid I’m going to have to put him down”, he says.

“Why, because he’s got cross eyes?” asks the shocked woman.

“No, because he’s f*&#%ng heavy” says the vet.

Some Bozo


Two women were walking round Harvey Norman furniture department.

One looks at a chest of drawers and says, “That’s the one I’d get”

And a cyclops jumps out and hits her.

Mick Shields


What does D.N.A stand for?

National Dyslexia Association

Mick Shields


A blonde decided to dye her hair brown because she was sick of hearing blonde jokes.

One day she was walking past the farm where a farmer was rounding up his sheep. The blonde said to the farmer

“If I can guess how many sheep are in your flock can I have one?”

“Sure why not?” the farmer replied.

After much thought the blonde said “46.”

“That’s right” said the farmer “Which one would you like?”

“That one,” said the blonde pointing.

“Ok,” said the farmer “but I have another deal for you. If I can guess the real colour of your hair can I have my dog back?”

Jewel



A blonde was walking past a field when she saw another blonde in the middle of the paddock rowing a boat.

This made the blonde furios and she yelled out to thblonde that was rowing.

“It’s people like you that gives us blonde a bad name! If I could swim I would come out there and hit you!”

Jewel



A blonde went to the hair dressers to have her hair cut.

The hairdresser said to the blonde “You going to have to remove your headphones or I won’t be able to cut your hair.”

The blonde replied “But if I take them off I will die.”

“But I can’t give you a good haircut with them on,” said the hairdresser.

“Ok,” said the blonde and removed the headphones.

Two minutes later the blonde fell to the floor dead.

Shocked, the hairdresser picked up the headphones and listened.

She heard “Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out.”

Jewel


Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?

Because they taste funny.

Some Bozo


A man walks down the street and sees a prostitute he asks her how much? the prostitute says, $300 and i will do anything so he says fine there you go theres $300 now go paint my house!!

AZZ


What do you call a three legged donkey?

Wonkey.

Abdul Jabbar Karatela


Your mama is so poor when the doorbell rang she ran upstairs and shouted from the top window ding dong.

lukman patel


It was boxing day and a man was driving his new ferrari. A policeman on horseback approached the man and asked him “Did santa get you that for christmas?”.

The man replied”yes he did”. The policeman then noticed that that the front light was damaged and siad”next time ask for one that’s not got a broken light” and gave him a ticket.

The man then replied”Did santa give you that horse for christmas” the policeman replied sarcastically”yes he did”

The man then said next time ask him for one that has got a cunt in between his legs and not on its back.

Abdul Jabbar Karatela


Two women in a helicopter one said,”if we turn upside-down will fall out”

“No,” said the other we will always be friends.”

Bernie Morgan


Q. How do you fit four blonds on a chair?

A. Turn it upside down

Dana Koch


Jesus v. Satan

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally, God said, “Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours, and I will judge who does the better job.”

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They did spreadsheets.

They wrote reports.

They sent faxes.

They sent e-mail

They sent e-mail with attachments.

They downloaded files.

They did some genealogy reports.

They created labels and cards.

They did every known job.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency, and Satan was faster than hell. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the Underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

The electricity finally came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming

“It’s gone! It’s all GONE! I lost everything when the power went out!”

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours.

Satan observed this and became irate. “Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?”

God shrugged and said, “Jesus saves.”


A farmer buys a new prize bull for $50,000 and lets it into the field with his two old bulls.

The new bull idles up to the two old bulls and says “I am the new king pin around here now, and to prove it, I will race you round the paddock and I will even give you a head start”

So off they race.

The farmer is at the kitchen window when he spots his two old bulls being chased by his prize bull and thinks “Bloody hell! I paid $50,000 for a prize bull and the bloody things a homosexual.”

Danny Mc Kain


Q) Why do birds fly upside down over New Zealand?

A) Because Kiwi’s aren’t worth shittin’ on.

Bobbie-Jo McGee



The barman at an hotel opposite a consruction site in a small country town,was amazed to see a small duck walk through the door, fly up on to the stool and ask for a large beer.

The duck then stated that he worked on the construction site and would be in every day for a beer at this time.

The barman asked ”what do you do over there?”

”I’m a bricklayer”replied the duck.

Sure enough, every day the duck was in at noon for his beer

A week later a man entered the bar and in the course of conversation told the barman he was the manager of a travelling circus

”Have i got an act for you”said the barman,and told him about the duck

The circus man was very excited about this ”We’ll make a fortune with this duck,tell him I’ll be in tomorrow to talk terms with him”

When the duck came in next day the barman told him of the offer.

The duck looked a little puzzled and asked–’Travelling circus? Don’t they use tents and travel all over ,moving every other day”

”That’s right” said the barman.

”Well,what the fuck dose he want with a bricklayer?????”

Robert Ferguson


Q: Why was the urban cowboy’s mustache all brown and crusy?

A: He was looking for love in all the wrong places.

Q: How can you tell when a polish woman is not wearing any underwear?

A: By the dandruff on her shoes.

Q: How do you fit 5 comedians in a volkswagon?

A: Two in the front seat, two in the back, and Richard Pryor in the ashtray.

Joe


Two hookers are standing on a street corner when a police car goes whizzing past, sirens a-blaring. one turns to the other and asks, “Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?”

“No”, replies her hooker friend, “but i’ve been swung round by my tits a few times.”

Margot

Joke Collection (11)  

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