Joke Collection (10)

January 1st, 1990

Jokes Pages: [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11] [12] [13]

The GORSKYS.COMedy Jokes Collection is a range of old jokes sent in by readers in the late 90′s. We no longer accept jokes as we have since vowed to write our own instead.


Q: Why do dogs lick their balls?

A: Cause they Can!

Junwei


In this public toilet, there’s this magic mirror. Whenever you say something wrong, you disappear.

Anyway, a red head walks into the toilets and says “I think I have the best legs in the world” and puff…she’s gone.

Next a brunette walks into the toilets and says “I think I have the most sexist eyes” and puff…she’s gone

Finally a blonde walks into the toilets and says “I think…” and puff she’s gone!

Bob


A PRAYER FOR THE STRESSED

Grant me the serenity to accept the things, I cannot change

The courage to change the things I cannot accept.

And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today that pissed me off.

And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as… they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me, to always give 100% at work…

12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 10% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday and 5% on Friday.

And help me to remember that, when I am having a really bad day and it seems that people are trying to piss me off.

That it takes 42 muscles to frown, and only 1 to extend my middle finger and say bite me.

Jamie


A German Shepard and a Chihuahua were sitting in the veternary surgons waiting room.

The Shepard looks down and says “what are you in for, mate?”

The Chihuahua looks up and says “well im a bit of a yappy dog by nature and the other day I was yapping around the heels of my mistress when I got a bit excited,again,and bit her on the ankles and she says, “this is the last time” and sadly enough I’m here, today, to be put down”

The Shepard looks down and says “that’s bad luck mate”

The Chihuahua looks up and says “and what are you in for?”

The Shepard looks down and says “well the other day I was sunning myself by the pool next to the mistress, she was naked, she got up on all fours to turn over and I couldn’t help myself, I had to mount her there and then.”

The Chihuahua looks up and says “Well I suppose you going to be put down as well”

The Shepard looks down and says “Nah, I’m just here to have my nails clipped and something done about my breath”:

Leo J Bunyan


An army Sergeant Major walked into a whorehouse one night and approached the madam and said, “My name is Sergeant Major Dick and I’m here for a woman!”.

The madam immediatly escorted the soldier upstairs and selected the best call girl that they had working that night. Segeant Major Dick disrobed and was standing with his hands on his hips while he looked at the prostitute awaiting him on the bed. He then siad, “My name is Sergeant Major Dick. Been in the Army 30 years and I’m a master of my mind and body. Dick, ATTEN-HUN!” Immediatly his penis became fully erect. The prostitute was in awe and asked him how he was able to do that. The Sergeant replied “Like I said, I am a master of my mind and body. Dick, AT EASE!” His penis immediatly went limp. The prositute couldn’t belive the control this man had and asked for another demonstration. He repeated his comands and again the penis responded immediatly. Still amazed, the protitute asked for one last demonstration.

“Dick, ATTEN-HUN!” His penis became erect.

“Dick, AT EASE!”

This time to his amazement, his penis did not go limp. Again, he gave the command, “Dick, AT EASE!” No luck. At this point, he was outraged. “Apparently you didn’t hear me soldier…Dick AT EASE!” Still erect. He moved over to the corner of the room and started to masturbate vigorously. The prostitute asked “Why the hell are you doing that?!”

“This soldier disobeyed a direct order,” the Sergeant replied, “I’m giving him a dishonourable discharge!”.

Nikita


Three gay men’s lovers just died and each had their lover cremated. They discussed afterwards what they were going to do with the ashes.

The 1st man says, “My boyfriend was a great fisherman so I’m going to take his ashes out to the lake and scatter them there.”

The 2nd man replies, “Well, my boyfriend loved to skydive so I’m going to scatter his remains out of a plane.”

The third man retorts, “My man was such an excellent lover I’m going to put his ashes in a pot of chili so he can tear my ass up just one more time.”

Jesse James


Top ten new James Bond films

1) From Galatarasay with Love

2) You Only get Leukemia Twice

3) Hereditory congenital deformitys are Forever

4) Live and Let the Working class die

5) The Man with the Golden State security pension book

6) The Spys who Gang-raped me

7) Shiteraker

8) Pinkeye

9) Bob Hope never Dies

10) The Methadone is not enough

Bob Bollox


Q: What do you call an upside down blonde?

A: A brunette with bad breath.

- Confucious say, man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.

- Confucious say, man who get trapped in sewer, eat shit and die.

- Confucious say boy who go to bed with sex problems, wake up with solution in hand.

- Confucious say man with both feat firmly planted on the ground have trouble putting pants on.

Dan Chillstein


Knock Knock.

Who’s There?

Interrupting Cow.

Interrupting co—?

MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Bob Beard


One day, little Johnny was coming home from school, and as he walked in the front door to his small home, his mother noticed he had a huge grin on his face. Curious as to why her son was so happy, she asked if anything fun had happened at school. Her son replies,”I just had sex with my english teacher!” Shocked and disgusted by her sons remark, she scolded him and told him he must explain this all to his father once he arrived from work.

His father walks in the front door and is promptly informed with his son’s actions. He slowy makes his way to his son’s room, and instead of being apauled at what had happened, he was overcome with joy and pride.

“So I hear you laid you teacher eh?”his father said.

“Yep, got that right!” replied his son.

“This calls for a celebration, how about I take you out for some icecream and I get you that bike you’ve been asking for.” says the dad.

“Well, that would be great dad, but do you think we could make it a football, because my ass really hurts?”

Amy


Q: what does a battered wife do when she get’s home from the hospital?

A: the dishes if she knows what’s good for her.

Lint


LANGUAGE OF LOVE

I am very busy for the next few weeks. I never want to see you again.

I’ve met someone. I want to be with anyone but you.

Sorry I’m late, I got caught up at work. I really didn’t want to come.

We have nothing in common. I couldn’t be bothered finding anything in common.

Would you like to call in for a coffee. Don’t dare say ‘yes’, I’ve got an early start tomorrow.

I’ll call you. Don’t hold your breath.

You are a very intelligent woman. You don’t turn me on.

You’re the first woman I have been out with for years. I have just forgotten who I was out with last night.

I would love to come up but I have a busy day tomorrow maybe next time. Now that you’ve propositioned me, I’ll never return your calls again.

Sorry, I have to cancel our date, my cousin has just arrived from out of town. I’ve had a better offer.

You certainly don’t look your age. I’m kidding!

My shout next time. There never will be a next time.

Here’s my card, give me a call sometime. You’re not worth wasting a phone call on but if you call me when I’m at a loose end . . .

Why’s an attractive lady like you still single? Watch out, I am just about to sweep you off your feet.

I’m not ready to commit. With you!


A man walks into a bar. Ouch!

A horse walks into a bar and the barman asks, ‘Why the long face?’

Q.: There are 3 tomatos on a plate. Which one is the cowboy?

A.: None, they are all redskins.

Q.: Why did the chicken cross the playground?

A.: It wanted to get to the other slide.

Gloss


Q. Where do you get the most fish.

A. Between the head and the tail.

Don Crabb


Why do witches wear underwear?

So they don’t fall off the broomstick.

Why do blondes have legs?

So they don’t stick to the floor.

Stacey


Q. What does a lesbian bring on her 2nd date?

A. Her furniture.

Q. How do you get a frustrated lesbian to climb the walls?

A. Tell her there’s a crack in the celing.

The Dike


Two ugly virgin dwarfs win the lottery, and get a couple of prostitutes for the night. Off they troop back to the hotel, and into seperate rooms.

One of them cant get an erection no matter what the whore does; blowjob, arse tickling, the lot: and all he can hear from next door is “1-2-3 Wahey!” This really pisses him off and eventually he just gives up and decides to wait for his mate.

About five minutes later his mate comes out, and he says to the first dwarf “Whats up with you?” He replies that no matter what happened he couldn’t get a stalk on, and all he could hear from his mates room was “1-2-3 wahey!”.

His mate turns to him and says “I dont know why you are complaining, I couldn’t even get on the bed!”

Paul Evans


THE PROGRESSION OF SEX

First there’s house sex, where a couple has sex all over the house

Then comes bedroom sex, when sex it limited to the bedroom

Lastly is Hallway sex, where a couple pass each other in the hallway saying “Fuck you!”

KC


There was a priest walking down by the river one day when a fisherman spotted him and invited him to fish with him for a while, the priest excepts.

30 minutes later the priest catches a huge fish and pulls it on the the side of the river, the fisherman overwelmed with the priest’s catch says ” Jesus thats a big Fucker”.

The priests being a man of the cloth tells the fisherman off for using such foul language but the fisherman being a quick thinking bloke explains that the fish is actually called a Fucker, the priest apologises for going off at the fisherman.

Not long after the priest bids farewell to the fisherman and takes his fish back to the monastry where he see’s the Bishop.

“Hey Bishop look at this big Fucker I caught”, the Bishop yelled at the priest for useing such foul language, the priest explained that the fish was called a Fucker.

The Bishop apologises and says “well how about I go clean the Fucker”.

After cleaning the fish the Bishop runs into the Mother superior, “look at this big Fucker the priest caught”, the mother superior looked shocked and yelled at the Bishop for using such foul language in a place of worship, the Bishop then explained that the fish was called a Fucker, the mother superior apologises and says ” how about I go cook the Fucker”.

Well, that night the Pope, allmighty leader of the Catholic religeon comes around for dinner.

There seated at the table when the mother superior brings in the fish on a plate and places it on the table.

The priest with a big smile on his face says ” I caught that Fucker ” then the Bishop says “and I cleaned the Fucker” then the Mother superior says ” and I cooked the Fucker”.

The Pope stares at them with a steely gaze then all of a sudden drops a massive fart, kicks off his slippers and puts his feet on the table, sculls a straight shot of whiskey and lights up a cigar then says “hey do you know you cunts are all right”.

Steve Sullivan


I lately hosted an emotions party. The theme therefor being that the guests had to dress up as an emotion.

The first who entered was wearing red and was dressed as anger. The second was wearing green and was dressed as envy. The third was a lady wearing a purple bikini and the party was never the same since.

The party came to a turn when to my horror, I opened the door to see two naked men. One had his penis lodged in a pair, the second had his penis in a bowl of custard. I told them they had the wrong party and that they were meant to be dressed up as an emotion such as anger or envy.

They answered me by saying, “oh yes sir, we are at the correct party, Im fucking dipair and my friend is fucking discusted”

Zahin Singh


A jew and an irishman are walking down the street, when they both happen to notice a gorgeous woman walking on the other side of the road. The irishman comments “I’d fuck her,” and the jew says “Fuck her out of what?”

Bad Chad


What does a prostuite and a roster have in common?

A roster says cock – a – doodledo and a prostitute says any cock will do

krystle thompson


Two cows are standing in field.

One turns to the other and says “This whole mad cow disease thing has me a little scared.What about you?”

The other cow says “What do you mean?I`m a duck”

Jake Wilson


WHY PARENTS GO GREY

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?”

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?”

“Yes”, whispered the small voice.

“May I talk with him?” the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”

“Yes”, came the answer. “May I talk with her?” Again the small voice whispered, “no”.

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.

“Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child.

“Yes” whispered the child, “A policeman”.

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked “May I speak with the policeman”?

“No, he’s busy”, whispered the child.

“Busy doing what?, asked the boss. “Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?”

“A hello-copper”, answered the whispering voice.

“What is going on there?”, asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.”

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, “Why are they there”?

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: “They’re looking for me.”

Debi


A duck walks into a bar and asks the barman, “do you have any bread?”

The barman replies “sorry, I have no bread.”

The duck pauses, then asks again, “do you have any bread?”

The barman replies again, “no, I have no bread.”

…….”Do you have any bread?”

“No I have no bread.”

“Do you have any bread?”

“No I have no bread.”

“Do you have any bread?”

“No I have no bread.”

“Do you have any bread?”

“No I have no bread.”

“Do you have any bread?”

“No I have no bread.”

“Do you have any bread?”

“No I have no bread.”

“Do you have any bread?”

“No I have no bread.”

“Do you have any bread?”

“No I have no bread.”

“Do you have any bread?”

“No I have no bread.”

“Do you have any bread?”

The barman, now furious, then replies “If you ask ‘do I have any bread’ one more time, I will hammer your beak to the bar!”

There’s a long pause, then the duck asks “……………Do you have any nails?”

The barman replies “This is a bar! Why would I have any nails?!”

“…………….Do you have any bread?”

Angi Novatscou


Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association’s suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a wanker.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose name and/or species you can’t remember).

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, more attractive, and smarter than some really, really big guy named Franz.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause a flux in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.

Nathan


One day a lady walked into her living room and discovered that her dog might be dead so she got right on the phone and called the vet .

“This is canine society how may I help you”

“Yes this is Jill and well I need someone to come over to my house and check my dog because I think that he might be dead.”

” OH Jill have you tried the cat test?”

“No”

“Let me ask you a question have you got a cat”?

“yes i do”

“well all you have to do is put the cat Inside the cage”

“but vet I dont think it is a good idea”

“trust me”

“ok” she said in a frightened voice as she put the joyful cat in the cage.

“ok ” said Jill, “I put the cat in the cage”.

“now wait for a minute”

“fine” as she watched the cat sniffed around the cat and walked out of the cage.

“ok now what do I do the cat went in and came out ”

“Then it is offical, the dog is dead now all you can do now is take the cat down to the vet hospital and I will get your bill ready.”

“What bill!!! ”

“Do you want to know how much you owe”

“no I dont well ya I really do”

“ok I will get on with It It will be $330 dollars”

“why that much money”

“because $30 dollars for the call and $300 for the cat scan”

Nicole


Two cows were standing in a field.

One says “Moo” and the other one says,”Hey I was about to say that!”

Q: How do you put a condom on an elephant?

A: You take the letter “F” out of the word way. What?!?! you may ask? Well, there is no “F” in way.

Moonbeetle








Notice to Employees

SICKNESS

We will no longer accept your doctors statements as proof. We believe if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to work.

LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR SURGERY

We are no longer allowing this practice. As long as you are employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. Anyone having operations will be FIRED immediately.

PREGNANCY

In the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINTUES apart. IF it is false labor, you will have to take an hour’s leave without pay.

DEATH

This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT we would like two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job.

From,

THE MANAGEMENT

Sally


One day little Timmy was in his back yard filling in a hole, carefully shovelling earth in and packing it down with his foot.

When he’s almost finished, his neighbour decided to investigate.

“Whatcha doin?” he asks.

Timmy replies, “My goldfish died and I’ve just buried him.”

“That was an awful big hole for a goldfish, wasn’t it?” asked the neighbour.

Timmy shot back, “That’s because he’s inside your fucking cat.”

Mark Tibbles


There’s an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters.

The Englishman says “I was cleaning my daughter’s room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn’t even know she smokes”.

The Scotsman says ” That’s nothing. I was cleaning my daughter’s room the other day when I can across a full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn’t even know she drank”.

With that the Irishman says “Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter’s room the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn’t even know she had a Penis”.

Patrick Meldrum

Joke Collection (10)  

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